My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!
by fukuji mihoko
Summary: Following an amazing speech from Yui, the the light music club girls decide to buy a new pet to keep Ton-chan company- but there's more to their new 'pet' than first meets the eye. :friendship fic, gore & humor & general silliness XD:
1. Yui's amazing speech!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter One  
>'Yui's Amazing Speech!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Don't you think Ton-chan looks lonely?"<p>

"What Ton-chan feels isn't relevant to our up-coming concert," said Nakano Azusa through clenched teeth, glaring at Yui sourly.

Yui, however, was blessed with an incredibly blithe nature; or maybe she was just stupid (Ui, of course, thought Yui was a genius- but Ui's opinion was just a _little _biased). Yui happily ignored Azusa's (incredibly realistic) concerns; instead, she opted to live in cheerful Yui-land, which was a completely separate universe to 'real life' where cakes rained from the sky and mice could sing and you didn't need to revise for tests to get perfect grades and drinking tea really _was_ an acceptable replacement for band practice.

"I think Ton-chan looks lonely," Yui continued, her fingertips still pressed against Ton-chan's glass tank; just like a small child at an aquarium.

Azusa sighed.

"Be that as it may, we still need to practice."

"Azu-nyan, you have no heart!~" Yui shot back, turning to give the twin-tailed guitarist her best puppy dog eyes. "Think of poor Ton-chan!"

"Yui-senpai, it's a _turtle_."

"'It' has a name!" Yui declared, her lower lip trembling. "J-just because Ton-chan's a turtle it doesn't mean she doesn't have any _feelings_! You're so cruel, Azusa! You don't understanddd!~"

"Oh, I understand," said Azusa, voice deadpan, folding her arms. "I understand perfectly."

At this, Yui's eyes brightened up, as though somebody had told her cakes were very beneficial for your health and you should eat them five times a day (not that health advice would've really stopped Yui eating her sugar-coated pastries; she devoured them regardless of their calorie content, and she never gained an ounce of weight. Hirasawa Yui- fuelled by sugar and stupidity; she really _was_ a miracle of modern science).

"Do you understand, Azu-nyan?" Yui squealed, rushing forwards to the give the younger girl an over-enthusiastic hug. "I knew you would!~ You're a kind person behind your cruel exterior aren't you? You understand poor Ton-chan's plight, yes? Yes? Yayyy!"

Azusa sighed. She'd known Hirasawa Yui for a year and a half- and, by this point, she knew it was pointless trying to prise Yui off her. That girl was scarily determined when it came to pulling Azusa into bone-shattering hugs- and she clung on, limpet like, to the twin-tailed guitarist whether she wanted her to or not.

"My heart bleeds for poor Ton-chan," said Azusa stiffly, "but that's beside the point. You're stalling for time, aren't you, Yui-senpai?"

"Whatever do you mean, Azu-nyan?~" asked Yui innocently, eyes wide.

"You haven't practiced for the upcoming concert, and you have no desire to, and you're trying to distract me."

"Eh! N-no!~" Yui squealed, drawing away from Azusa as though she'd been electrocuted. "T-that's so mean, Azu-nyan!"

"But it's what you're doing."

"Well…" Yui pouted, pressing the tips of her two index fingers together. "Maa~aaybe."

Azusa sighed. Even though Yui was her 'senpai', Azusa often felt like a parent with a small child when she was with Hirasawa Yui.

"I thought so," said Azusa simply, flipping a twin tail over her shoulder. "Now let's practice."

"B-but the others aren't here yet!" Yui protested, her arms flailing like undercooked noodles.

Azusa's dark eyes remained impassive, and her voice was cool when she said, "So?"

"So we haven't had any tea or cake yet!"

"We don't need it," said Azusa, frowning. "You always say you'll practice after one more slice of gateau or one more cup of tea, but it _never _works like that! For the sake of the band, I think we should skip out on the food this time."

Azusa made her way across the clubroom with a series of determined footsteps. She took her Fender Mustang out of its case and slung it over her shoulder, her eyes still blazing with the fires of intense concentration Yui only got when she saw a large array of cakes and desperately wanted to sample them all.

Yui wasn't sure if it was possible to tune a guitar 'angrily', but Azusa seemed able to do it. Her eyes were narrowed, her shoulders were tense, and everything about her screamed 'don't irritate me!'

Unfortunately, Yui was never very good at reading the atmosphere.

Either that, or she just liked irritating Azusa.

"Hey, Azu-ny_annn_~" said Yui, her voice adapating a sing-song lilt.

"What?" asked Azusa, looking from her guitar. "You should be practicing, too. We'll give the others a nice surprise."

A 'heart attack', more like. The idea of Hirasawa Yui doing more work than necessary, and not being_ completely_ slovenly, would've been enough to give poor Mio a cardiac arrest; and there was nothing scarier than a determined Yui.

It was really in Mio's best interests, therefore, that Yui had decided to sit down, doing more strenuous than smiling at the irritable Azusa.

Yui only had Mio's best interests at heart.

"Azu-nyan," Yui continued, smiling blithely, "are you on a diet?"

Azusa's face went bright red. "W-what? H-how is that relevant…?"

"Well, you're being really _**mean**_ towards the poor cakes," said Yui, as though it were the simplest thing in the world. "And there's no reason for it, unless you're on a diet, so…"

"T-that has nothing to do with it! I-I just want to practice-"

"But Azu-nyan, you're not even fat!" Yui continued, her eyes sparkling. "Even if you get a little bit chubby I wouldn't mind, 'cause then there'd be more Azu-nyan to love! You'd be all round and soft and squishy! Yayy! Chubby Azu-nyan! It's so cuuute!"

Azusa's left eye twitched.

"I-I say what I mean!" Azusa retorted, her voice stuttering- fragmented with embarrassment. "I'm not on a diet, okay? I-I just thought somebody should take responsibility around here, g-geez! I'm sure Mugi-chan won't mind if we miss out on the cakes this once-"

At that moment, Azusa's angry retort was cut off by the sound of the club room door opening. All at once, the scent of some delicate flower- maybe lilies- filled the room, washing away the negative vibe Azusa had spewed everywhere with her dour-faced guitar tuning and assurances that _no, _she _wasn't _on a diet.

An air of calm surrounded the club room.

An air of calm that could only belong to two rather prominent eyebrows- and the good-natured, smiling girl attached to them.

"Hello, everybody. I hope I'm not interrupting anything," said Tsumugi, walking into the room with the grace of a ballerina in Swan Lake. "Today I thought we could have strawberry daifuku and marshmallow tea- if that's acceptable? Oh, and Azusa-chan… Why are you holding your guitar?"

…Because they were members of the _light music club_, perhaps?

Azusa groaned.

Once more, it looked like another day where they wouldn't get any work done.

Oh, hooray.

* * *

><p>Azusa picked at her cake with an expression that could curdle milk, her eyes downcast. It was true the dessert was delicious- as was all the food Mugi brought in for them to sample- but, somehow, the moment she put it into her mouth it began to taste of cardboard.<p>

Azusa had wanted to practice so badly- and that bitter disappointment left a filthy taste in her mouth.

She knew the other members of HTT were going to graduate soon; and when they left, where would that leave her? She wanted their last few months together to be productive- leaving her with happy memories of how well they'd played together. Eating cakes and drinking tea was fine, but- as a _music _club- they really should have been playing their instruments more.

If Azusa had wanted to drink tea, she would've taken tea ceremony!

However, the others seemed impervious to Azusa's gloomy nature; save for perhaps Mio, who gave the twin-tailed guitarist a small, encouraging smile.

Mugi, Ritsu and Yui, however, were all crowded round Ton-chan's tank; Yui peering into the crystalline water with a plate of strawberry daifuku in one hand, a fork pressed between her lips, and a ponderous expression on her face.

"D'nt y'h thnk Ton-chan looks lon'ly?" Yui muttered indistinctively through her fork.

Azusa only understood what Yui said because the brunette had posed the same question to her whilst stalling for time; but how Ritsu managed to distinguish Yui's unintelligible muttering was a mystery worthy of a series of best-selling detective novels. Then again, Ritsu and Yui shared very similar mentalities; perhaps they also possessed some strange, telepathic bond?

"You're right," said Ritsu, tapping the glass of Ton-chan's tank thoughtfully. "I'd be miserable if somebody cooped me up in a class cage."

"Sometimes I think that would be the best place for you," said Mio, sighing. "You'd pose less of a danger to us 'normal people' that way."

"Hey!" Ritsu gave a mock-indignant cry, turning to glare at Mio. "For the third time, my forehead did **not **make that little kid cry, okay?"

"Poor Ton-chan," said Mugi, in her typical dreamy tones, intercepting some witty comeback Mio had probably intended to make. "I never before stopped to think how lonely it would be, enclosed in a glass tank with no close company…"

"Ton-chan ha' us, b't ju't n't same," Yui agreed (at least, Azusa thought she was agreeing; she couldn't really hear Yui too well through the prongs of her fork).

Ritsu, Mugi and Yui all sighed in unison- "Poor Ton-chan."

Azusa frowned.

"Never mind poor Ton-chan," said the twin-tailed girl. "Poor our audience, when they hear how terrible we sound because we haven't practiced."

"Azu-nyan," said Yui, pulling her fork out of her mouth so her words were perfectly understandable to human ears- sadly, at the wrong point in the conversation- "I already said I'd love you no matter how fat you are."

"Huh?" said Ritsu, turning to look at Azusa. "Azusa's not fat…"

"She doesn't appear to be," said Mugi, still using those honey-coated, silky-smooth tones- but something very strange began to twist her airy words. "But it's difficult to tell a person's true weight with all those clothes in the way…"

Azusa's face went bright red- and her blush only intensified when Yui said, "oh, that's a good idea."

"O-okay!" said Azusa, wrapping her arms protectively round her middle. "Y-you're not allowed to strip me, okay, Yui-senpai? A-and I already said I wasn't on a diet!"

But, apparently, Yui had had enough of that particular topic of conversation- even though Tsumugi looked just a tad disappointed. Azusa didn't want to know what the blonde girl was imagining; but she probably wouldn't like it.

"Azu-nyan, I understand you're going through a very difficult time," said Yui- her voice unusually serious, for once. "I know… that one day- very soon- we're all going to graduate and leave you…"

All of a sudden, Azusa felt a lump well up in her throat.

From humiliation/anger to sappy sentimentalism; Yui really could push Azusa's buttons as no other could. Sometimes, Azusa thought Yui could play _her_ better than she could play her beloved Gitah.

"And when I look at Ton-chan, all lost and lonely, it kind of makes me think of you," said Yui, smiling- just a little; though her sudden, knowledgeable expression was sullied, somewhat, by the crumbs around her mouth. "And I just got to thinking, I like seeing lonely people. And even if I can't help graduating or growing up-"

_No, Yui-senpai, _thought Azusa- though not unkindly, _no matter how old you get, you'll __**never **__grow up._

"-so I'm going to have to leave you for a short while," Yui continued. "But… Um… Hehehe, this might sound silly, but I _can _make sure Ton-chan doesn't get too lonely."

Azusa's eyes widened.

Despite the cake crumbs, and despite the fork in her hands, and despite the small, almost goofy smile on her face, Yui looked a lot more mature than she had ever done before.

Against her wishes- against her greater judgements- Azusa felt herself beginning to get emotional. She'd been trying to ignore her upperclassmen's impending graduation; and maybe that was why she was so desperate to practice, because when she sat and ate cakes it was too easy reminding herself it wouldn't last…

She'd tried to forget.

But Yui had brought it all back up again.

Yui, with her small smile, wouldn't let Azusa forget.

"Y-yui-senpai…?"

"And so…" Yui continued, her voice becoming more exuberant as she stabbed her fist into the air, "I think we should all go out, post haste, and buy a new friend for Ton-chan!"

"Yeah! That's an excellent idea!" said Ritsu, giving Yui a high five. "That totally beats rehearsing!~"

"Like you'd rehearse anyway," said Mio, rolling her eyes; but there was no malice behind it. "But… That could be fun… I suppose."

"I-I'd do anything to ensure Ton-chan isn't lonely!" said Mugi, her eyes filled with determination. "It was selfish of me not to have thought of it earlier…"

Azusa, meanwhile, could only sigh.

Had Yui made that 'we'll be graduating soon' speech just so she could go and buy another new (completely unnecessary) pet for the club room? Azusa couldn't help but feel manipulated, just slightly.

And yet, despite that…

Well.

The rest of the band were looking at her expectantly; their eyes all pleading (save perhaps Mio's, who didn't seem to care much either way).

And…

Azusa sighed.

How could she say no now?

* * *

><p><strong>an: **This fic has perhaps the best title ever XDD Actually, it was kind of based on the title of an old 'horror' movie called 'Mutant Weasels Rip My Flesh', which was… interesting… The 'weasels' in question were either weird, off-scale models or stock footage of hamsters or w/e, and there was a shark at the end.

So, yeah, I love cheesy old horror movies XD And I decided to write a K-On! fic based on a similar premise to those old movies; i.e. it attempts to be scary, but the 'monster' is so completely ridiculous/stupid you can't take it seriously. So yeah, horror/humor. If I could choose another genre category I'd choose friendship, but I can't, so ffff XD

This fic will be about 7 chapters long and they'll all be reasonably short.

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	2. The birth of Azulapin!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Two  
>'The birth of Azu-lapin!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Wow. Look at all the adorable pets!" Yui squealed, running about the store like a child hyped on artificial colors and sweeteners.<p>

Then again, pondered Azusa, as she tried (the key word being 'tried') to hold Yui back from a display of brightly-colored birds- was there really much difference between Yui and a small child?

The answer was a resounding 'no'.

In fact, Yui was probably more childish than most _children _were; which was a feat to be proud of.

Or embarrassed about; but Yui didn't get 'embarrassed' like normal people. She didn't seem to know the meaning of the word.

Just watching Yui was making Azusa feel exhausted- as though she'd just run another marathon- so how Yui managed to keep herself running around without keeling over was anybody's guess.

"But Azu-nyan!~" Yui pouted, turning to tug on one of Azusa's pigtails lightly. "Azu-nyan, those birds are so cu~ute!"

"I thought were going to buy a fish," said Azusa, voice deadpan, as she struggled to extract her hair from Yui's grabby fingers. "We were going to buy a pet to keep Ton-chan company; remember?"

Yui blinked- and, for a few moments, she looked just like a child who'd fallen asleep in their pushchair at the park, only to awaken two hours later in their home; with no idea how they'd seemingly 'teleported' from place to place.

It was an expression that made Azusa want to slap a palm across her own face. The thought that, some time in the future, the country would be run by people like _Yui…_

Azusa shuddered.

It was incredibly disturbing.

"Okay, okay," said Yui, sighing, as Azusa pulled her away from the display of birds. "I get it. But can't I at least _look _at all the other pretty pets?"

"No."

"Awww! Why not?"

"Because you have the mindset of a two-year-old, and every single shiny, noisy or pretty thing you see out of the corners of your eye you instantly want to pet or hug or stroke or buy!" Azusa snapped back- somehow managed to speak through gritted teeth. "Can't we stick to our original plan, please, Yui-senpai?"

There was no response- save the various scrabbling noises of some hamsters to Azusa's left.

Azusa frowned.

"Yui-senpai…?"

She turned around.

The brunette had- somehow, mid-way through Azusa's very important speech about 'responsibility' and 'being mature'- slipped free of the younger girl's death-grip to go kneel by a hutch of floppy-eared, twitchy-nosed rabbits.

"Aww! Azu-nyan, aren't they cute?~" Yui cooed, turning to Azusa with wide, sparkling eyes- just like twin galaxies. "Hey- do you see that black one in the corner? The one that looks all grumpy, with the really adorable ears? That one looks just like _you_, Azu-nyan!"

Azusa couldn't help but sigh- running her hands through her hair in a distracted motion, as Yui beamed up at her from the grimy floor.

"I thought we were going to get back to school _quickly_," said Azusa- stressing the final word with such force it was a wonder it didn't break up into two separate syllables.

"Oh yeah, we are," said Yui- still crouching on the floor, still doing nothing that could've remotely resembled 'quickly'; not even for a sloth. "We need to finish up the rest of those cakes, right?"

"_Wrong_."

"E-eh, but… but…"

"We were going to practice at least _one _song, right?" said Azusa- her voice filled with something akin to desperation. "Just… just one?"

Yui pulled a face. "But that sounds boring! I want to look at the rabbits and then eat cake! Or maybe both at the same time… Tehehe~"

Azusa sighed- closed her eyes- and counted to ten. She tried to remain in control of her own emotions. She was a leaf floating in the breeze; or the crystalline waters of a smoothly-flowing stream.

She was calm.

She was collected.

She was…

"Eee! The Azu-nyan rabbit just _twitched_ at me! Kyahh! O-oh, I know- I know! Maybe I should call it Azu-_lapin_- that's, like, French! Hehehe! I wonder if I can find an Usa-Ui somewhere in here-"

And then Azusa pulled at the ends of her pigtails and _screamed._

She was surrounded by idiots.

* * *

><p>"Hey, Mio, look at this!" said Ritsu, tugging at Mio's arm.<p>

"What is it?"

The bassist turned to give Ritsu a scathing look; her narrowed eyes filled with so much venom it could've cut through metal, or scoured a sink.

For the last few minutes Ritsu had been dragging Mio around her pet shop like she was a ragdoll, pointing at all the interesting animals and likening Mio to a rather grumpy-looking parrot that had tried to peck at Ritsu's fingers when she prodded them through its metal cage (despite the sign, in bold, red font, that said 'do not pester the animals'. Of course, Ritsu believed that warning applied to everybody but _**her**_; and even had the audacity to act surprised when the Mio-parrot almost took one of her fingers off).

"Mio, Mio, I'm not even joking, it's really cute! Really! Can we buy one?" Ritsu clamoured, dragging her long-suffering friend between the cramped, maze-like shelves that wound all around them- all the while pointing at something Mio couldn't see.

And then…

Mio's face went white; drained of all color- as though somebody had pushed her, head-first, into a bucket of rice flour.

Mio had seen it.

She'd seen it alright.

"Isn't it cute? Do you think it would keep Ton-chan company?" asked Ritsu, a cruel smile sliding across her face, as she pointed at.

A glass cage containing a snake.

It was a very long, thick,_ angry-looking _snake, with hooded eyes and a forked tongue and blood red scales, black and white bands running across its skin at regular intervals.

Mio's whole body froze.

And then (amazingly enough, considering her vocal chords felt paralysed with fear) she gave a horrible wail- like a cat whose tail had been stepped on, or a banshee (or maybe even just a scaredy-cat bassist who really hated snakes)- and backhanded Ritsu across the face.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Mugi was crouched on the floor, staring into a cage filled with fluffy, adorable hamsters, doing fluffy, adorable things.<p>

Mugi sighed.

T-they were so cute…

What she wouldn't give to be a hamster, running around in a wheel forever and ever…

And ever…

For eternity.

* * *

><p>"Okay," said Azusa, breathing heavily- trying to calm her still-fluttering nerves, which seemed poised to break at any moment. "Fish. Let's buy a fish."<p>

"An excellent idea," said Ritsu gravely, massaging the wound on her head. "I don't think poor Mio can handle much more."

The 'poor Mio' in question was stood next to the fish tank, staring intently at the aquatic display inside; but she was trembling, her face was ghostly pale, and she keep shooting nervous looks about her, as though she half expected a phantom Boa Constrictor to slide out of the shadows and swallow her whole.

After her encounter with the snakes in the class case, Mio had vacated the shop faster than you could say 'non-toxic'; and she'd taken refuge in a nearby clothes store for some fifteen minutes- crouched on the floor on the dressing room, rocking herself backwards and forwards into a further state of hysteria. It was only thanks to Ritsu's very profuse and numerous apologises (cheapened somewhat by the fact she kept laughing) and Azusa's reasonable 'it can't hurt you it's not even dangerous' speech that Mio had been able to return to the store at all.

The biggest wonder, however, was not how Mio had managed to overcome her fears by returning to the store; but, rather why on Earth (or any planet, really) had the owner let the group of girls back in when they'd caused such a fuss?

Azusa didn't know- but if she had to hazard a guess, she'd say the store was probably run by Mugi's family.

Mugi's family owned everything.

Maybe they were actually tied to the yakuza?

"I wish I was a hamster~" Mugi mumbled under her breath, her hands clasped at her chest; her eyes shining, lips pulled into a smile that would've looked silly and spaced-out on anybody else, but looked incredibly refined and elegant on Tsumugi.

Azusa sighed, and tried to push any errant thoughts of the yakuza out of her head.

It didn't fit with Mugi's image.

At _**all.**_

"This fish better be worth it," Azusa mumbled her breath- shooting a dubious look at Mio, who was still trembling, as though she were caught in the midst of gunfire. "Because I think it may have broken Mio…"

"Nah, she'll be okay. She always is," said Ritsu, shrugging.

Azusa blinked at Ritsu curiously. "Always…?"

"This one time I showed her a tarantula, right? It was as big as my hand- like…" Ritsu made a round-about gesture with her fingers, grinning all the while. "It was **awesome**! Mio _freaked out_; she had nightmares for WEEKS! It was the funniest thing ever!"

Azusa half-expected Mio to shudder at the mention of the word 'tarantula'; but, worryingly enough, it seemed she was too far gone (too deeply lost in her own insecurities about the snake) to pay anybody or anything else much heed.

Azusa sighed.

"Ritsu-senpai. You're a terrible person."

Ritsu only smiled. "I know!"

Azusa rolled her eyes- and then turned to look at the display of fish once more, her arms folded. None of them really stood out to the twin-tailed guitarist; they were just… well…

_Fish._

Fish were sort of dull, anyway. They couldn't do any interesting tricks- and them swum around in circles over and over again, until one day they decided they'd had enough of swimming in circles and died.

Then again, maybe Azusa was prejudiced towards fish because- for the eighth birthday- her dad had bought her a thankful of tropical fish; and all of the fish had died on their way from the pet store to Azusa's house.

"Speaking of which," Azusa muttered, pressing a finger to her lower lip in thought, "can pet fish even survive in the same water conditions as turtles? I know different fish live at different temperatures, but…"

"What are you talking about, Azu-lapin?" asked Yui, tilting her head to one side with a rather vacant smile on her face. "A fish is a fish. And a turtle is a turtle. And they all live in water!"

Azusa resisted the urge to sigh again.

It must have been nice, being such an air-head.

"Excuse me," said Azusa- adopting the role of 'Miss Mature', as Mio was currently out of commission and Mugi was still lost in her strange fantasy world about being a hamster (Azusa cringed. Even in her head, that sounded strange. Why were her friends so bizarre?)- to the owner of the shop; a very pretty woman, with a cascade of long, salmon-pink hair.

"Yes?" asked the shop owner, leaning her elbows against the counter and smiling a small, elegant smile. "What do you want?"

Azusa… suddenly felt inadequate, when compared to that pretty shop owner. She looked just a little bit like Tsumugi- but aged up a few years, with a bigger chest.

W-why was Azusa looking there, anyway…?

Azusa cleared her throat- her face flushing- as she directed her gaze to the woman's face. It was her job to the responsible one; she couldn't falter now!

"W-we were hoping to buy a fish," said Azusa, her voice trembling slightly (she felt oh-so small and young and immature when compared to smiling pet store owner; it was a little intimidating), "a-and we were wondering if you had any fish that can live in the same water conditions as a turtle? I-I don't know much about it, but…"

"Oh, I have just the animal!" said the salmon-haired woman, smiling; but there was something cold, almost frosty, about her pretty face, that made Azusa feel nervous. "It's a rather rare fish, though- so it's not on display."

"N-no, don't go to so much trouble on our behalf!" said Azusa, shaking her head- her twin tails bounce bounce bouncing with her frantic movements. "I-it's okay- we can just pick on of these fish… A-and anyway, if it's 'rare' we couldn't afford it…"

"Don't worry," said the woman. "I'm giving it to you for free."

Azusa's eyes narrowed.

All of a sudden, she had a rather bad feeling about this.

People didn't give things away for _free_- not in that day and age- and Miss. Aged-Up-Tsumugi-With-Pink-Hair had a **very **sinister smile; so chilling it seemed to strike fear through Azusa's body.

Didn't they always say 'if it looked too good to be true, it was'?

Then again…

Didn't they also say 'never look a gift horse in the mouth'?

And who was this 'they', anyway?

"W-we don't want to bother you-" Azusa began; but then she blinked in surprise, as she felt hands (several pairs of hands) clap themselves about her mouth.

"Of course we'll accept!" Ritsu said- speaking so loudly she made one of the parrots on the other side of the store squawk at her.

"I can never turn down free things! You really know how to get to a girls' heart!~" said Yui enthusiastically.

Miss Pink-Haired (was that her real hair color…?) Store Owner gave another eerie, unreadable smile.

"Well, I do try."

Mugi, meanwhile, continued to smile- swaying to herself, as though lost in her own dream world completely separate from the planet Earth; or the pink-haired woman; or Azusa's doubts about their new 'pet'; or anything that wasn't in some way related to hamsters.

Azusa- her mouth still blocked by Yui and Ritsu's hands- could only frown; though the expression of mistrust was quite lost on everybody assembled.

She had a bad feeling about this.

Then again- they were only buying a fish.

What could possibly go wrong?

* * *

><p><strong>an: **FAMOUS LAST WORDS, AZU-NYAN, FAMOUS LAST WORDS.

review, plox?  
>i'll keep writing this ridiculous story regardless, but they would make me happy XD<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	3. Introducing HTT's new pet!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Three  
>'Introducing HTT'S new pet!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Wow. It sure is an ugly little thing, isn't it?"<p>

"Kyah! Don't be so mean!" Yui squeaked, wrapping her arms round the fish tank as a mother would cradle her young. This over-protective action was just a little ridiculous, though (as were most of Yui's actions). For one thing, Yui's arms couldn't fit round the whole tank. Instead, the top half of Yui's body was smushed against the glass, her fingertips just-barely curled round the corners. For another, it wasn't as if Sawako was _seriously_ contemplating murdering their newest addition to the light music club (at least, Azusa didn't think she was…)

Sawako was only telling the truth.

The innovatively named 'Kon-chan' (Yui and Ritsu's idea, of course. Their creativity knew no bounds) _was_ an ugly fish; perhaps the ugliest Azusa had ever seen. Not that Azusa spent much time comparing and grading fish on their looks, but still. Azusa knew an unattractive creature when she saw one- she wasn't _stupid_- and Kon-chan would never pass for 'cute'. Not even in Yui's eyes- and Yui, blinded by some strange kind of maternal love, thought Kon-chan was amazing.

Azusa thought Kon-chan was 'amazing', too.

Amazingly disturbing.

Kon-chan was round and bloated, like a balloon- to the extent where the 'poor' creature seemed ready to capsize under its own weight. Its scales (a mottled, puce color, like old porridge) were painfully stretched over its body; the fish looked a little like a barrel about to burst its hoops. In contrast to its too-large body, however, Kon-chan's eyes were incredibly small and beady- almost like spots of ink.

And they were watchful.

W-well, of course they weren't; not _**really. **_Fish weren't renowned for their intelligence. Kon-chan wasn't watching Azusa, of course not; Kon-chan was probably staring straight ahead, eyes blank and head even blanker, just like all nice, normal fish.

And yet, even despite this logic…

Azusa couldn't help but feel unsettled.

It would have been far, far easier for Azusa to believe she was being paranoid if Ton-chan hadn't been giving the ugly fish such a wide berth, too.

There was something 'off' about Kon-chan.

Something far more disturbing than its outward appearance.

Did Ton-chan realize this?

Or was Ton-chan merely upset that she had to share her tank with a stranger?

Azusa didn't know; but as she stood there, a small frown tugging at her lips, running her fingers through one of her twin tails in a distracted manner, she couldn't keep her eyes from Kon-chan.

And Kon-chan was staring right back at her…

As though it _understood._

W-wasn't that just a little bit creepy?

Wasn't that-

"Awful! You're awful, Sawa-chan!" Yui said, sticking her tongue out at their long-suffering teacher. "Don't say such mean things to Kon-chan! You'll give her a complex!"

"Is Kon-chan female?" asked Mugi, peering just past Yui's spread-eagled arms to catch a glimpse of their newest pet. "I don't believe that pretty shopkeeper told us…"

Ritsu shrugged. "It doesn't matter. It's like, fifty fifty anyway. So we might as well choose one."

Somehow, Azusa didn't think genders worked that way.

"The gender of that… _thing… _doesn't really matter. It looks awful- like a blimp! Are you sure you didn't get an obese fish?" asked Sawako, shaking her head. A cruel smile had begun to tug at her lips- and it dawned on Azusa that perhaps Sawako wasn't as disturbed by the fish as she claimed. She was merely trying to upset Yui- although that seemed like a very childish thing for an adult to do.

Then again, Sawako wasn't particularly 'mature' herself, what with her love for forcing Mio into frilly outfits at every turn…

Azusa sighed.

She seemed to do that a lot.

"Kon-chan's not awful! She just has a 'unique dress sense'!" said Yui protectively. "You don't understand inner beauty, Sawa-chan!"

"If men cared about inner beauty they wouldn't pass over the mild-mannered, intelligent girls for brainless blondes with sexy bodies, would they?"

"But Sawa-chan," said Ritsu, smirking, "_you're _not mild-mannered."

Sawako glared at Ritsu sourly.

Then, she picked up a book- where she'd taken it from, Azusa wasn't sure; Sawako moved so quickly she was a blur of distorted movement- and gave Ritsu a swift crack across the skull with it.

"I never said I was talking about me!" Sawako said idignantly. "Don't backchat to your teacher like that!"

The abuse Ritsu suffered didn't make the drummer falter, though. If anything, her smile grew wider- even as she massaged the lump Sawako's precise book-strike attack had left on her forehead.

"So you _**were**_ speaking from personal experience then? I knew it! I knew- ow!"

Ritsu really should have seen that coming.

Azusa winced.

…She probably _hadn't _deserved the third _thunk _across the forehead though. Even though Ritsu's vast expanse of forehead did seem to invite- almost compel- people to hit it, that _still_ didn't excuse the violence.

Wasn't corporal punishment _illegal, _anyway?

It wasn't like Sawako was the most refined woman, though- despite her misleading, initial outwards appearance. It was probably illegal forcing your students into maid outfits, too- but that hadn't stopped Sawako (much to Mio's despair).

Azusa watched the display play out before her like something from a slapstick comedy; Ritsu trying to fend off Sawako's blows and calm her down- whilst, at the same time, continuing to insult her even more.

Sawako and Ritsu would never become a real comedy duo, no matter how amusing it was to watch them. Azusa had no idea who was meant to be the tsukkomi and who was the boke- because Ritsu, in her over-enthusiasm, seemed to be playing both roles.

But Azusa, Mio, Yui and Mugi weren't the only ones watching the spectacle before them.

Kon-chan's beady black ink-stain eyes didn't move from Sawako.

Azusa felt a small shudder run up her spine.

Was she imagining things, or did that awful fish look somewhat menacing?

…

But that thought was so ridiculous Azusa quickly pushed it aside.

* * *

><p>Sawako had long since left the club room, muttering something under her breath about 'impudent children'. Following her exit, the club members had taken seats at their usual table- all of them sipping tea Mugi had served- to discuss their newest pet.<p>

"So," said Mio, using her best authoritative tones, "the woman at the shop said there were some conditions for looking after… Kon-chan."

Azusa saw Mio wince as she said Kon-chan's name, even though she tried to hide it. Doubtless, Mio thought 'Kon-chan' was a really stupid name, too; but everybody else had been so enthusiastic about it Mio had been unable to say no.

"They rhyme!" Yui had giggled, as she peered into Kon-chan's tank with overly affectionate eyes. "Kon-chan and Ton-chan! They can be twins!"

"But Kon-chan's a fish," Azusa had pointed out. "And Ton-chan's a turtle."

"Yeah soo…?"

Apparently, Yui had been unable to see a problem in the two animals' differing genetics. If Yui wanted a turtle and a fish to be 'twins', then so be it. Nothing- not even a proper application of taxonomy- would stop her.

Azusa had thought it was a ridiculous name then- and she still did now- but she hadn't wanted to upset the others, either.

Not when Mugi had found it so clever.

"Conditions?" Yui asked, spreading her arms across the table; her head resting in the cradle made by her sprawled-out arms. "That sounds bo~oring!"

"Be more responsible," Mio chastised. "You were the one who wanted to own a fish so badly."

"Hehehe. I'm sorry, Mio-chan," Yui giggled sheepishly. "I guess, as Kon-chan's mommy, I should be more attentive…"

Azusa sighed.

So now, according to Hirasawa Yui, the turtle and the fish were related, and- somehow- Yui (who was unmistakably a human being; even though Azusa wondered sometimes) was their 'mother'.

Wasn't that a pretty messed up family tree?

…It was probably best not to think about it too much.

After all, Yui certainly wasn't.

"The lady at the shop said we needed to feed Kon-chan every single day- no exceptions- even on Sundays when we're not at school," said Mio, counting the points off on her fingers. "That shouldn't be too difficult; it's what we do with Ton-chan already."

"Then shall we stick to the rota we have already devised?" asked Mugi, smiling genially as she poured Yui more tea. Mugi moved with such grace she could have been a geisha from the Edo period, even whilst doing something as simple as pouring tea; and Azusa sometimes felt a little awkward when she compared herself to Mugi.

Mio nodded at Mugi's decision. "That should be fine. And there was another point…" Mio turned to give Yui a piercing stare. "You absolutely _cannot _put your fingers into the fish tank."

"Ehh?" Yui asked, blinking up at Mio in confusion. "W-why are you speaking directly to _me_?"

"Because you're the one most likely to do something like that."

"That's not true! I-I'm mature!"

A rather long pause followed those words- during which Azusa rolled her eyes without even being aware she was doing so. The idea of a 'mature' Yui was, quite frankly, terrifying; almost as bizarre as the idea of a meek Ritsu or a boisterous Mio. If Yui suddenly- magically- became 'mature' over night, she'd cease to be Hirasawa Yui at all. Instead, she'd be a second Ui, minus the ponytail.

And Azusa didn't really like that idea.

It was true that Azusa frequently complained about Yui's childish, air-headed nature. It was true that, at times (_most_ of the time) Azusa found Yui incredibly irritating.

But Azusa liked Yui exactly the way she was.

She wouldn't have swapped Hirasawa Yui for anything in the world.

Azusa knew it was ridiculous. Why was she so desperate for Yui to remain the same? Why did the mere idea of Yui being anything other than her lazy self so depressing? If Yui did become more mature- a second Ui- shouldn't Azusa be glad, because it would mean they'd get more practicing done?

But Azusa… couldn't think thoughts like that.

Because Yui- despite all her faults and flaws- was Azusa's friend; and, no matter how dark her mood, Yui always managed to make Azusa smile.

That was the kind of bright, cheerful person Yui was.

"Well, I could be mature," Yui said, pouting; sticking out her tongue to prove how oh-so-sophisticated she was. "Ricchan's just as likely to poke her fingers in the fish tank as me."

"Ow!" Ritsu gave a noise of mock pain, clutching her hand to her chest. "That stung, Yui-chan! That was a low blow!"

"The truth hurts, doesn't it?"

"Aww man! Not you too, Mio!"

"Nevertheless," said Mio, slamming her hands on the tabletop (Ritsu mumbled mutinously under her breath; something about 'nobody says 'nevertheless' nowadays', but Mio ignored her). "The second point still stands. Do not place your fingers in the goldfish tank. I'm not sure why, but that woman was very insistent upon that…"

"You don't think Kon-chan could be, like, a piranha or something?" asked Ritsu excitedly, her eyes lighting up. "That woman did say she was rare- maybe Kon-chan's, like, some exotic killer-fish with super sharp teeth that can bite through metal!"

"T-that's ridiculous…" said Mio, trembling slightly; though the nervous look she gave Kon-and-Ton-chan's tank seemed to suggest she was having second thoughts. "N-nobody would be so irresponsible to sell a pet like that…"

"That's what you might think!" Ritsu continued, her voice getting louder and louder the more excited she became. She began to gesticulate, too- practically bouncing up and down in her seat. "But that woman was being wa~ay suspicious when she gave us Kon-chan! I mean, how many people would give away a so called 'super rare'," here Ritsu provided quotation marks with her fingers, "fish for free?"

"I see what you mean!" said Yui, her voice almost as enthusiastic as Ritsu's, as she placed a finger under her chin. "Maybe Kon-chan is, like, illegal- and that woman was desperate to give him away before the cops found out!"

"That's just what I was thinking, my brilliant companion, Yui-chan! Sharp reasoning, old bean!"

"Thank you, detective Riichan! Would you like me to write up these notes on 'the Case of the Contraband Fish' for further reference in our zany adventures?"

"That would be most useful, my fine fellow!"

"Roger that, captain!" said Yui, saluting.

"…Wait." Ritsu frowned. "I thought we were being Holmes and Watson here?"

"You couldn't make a decent Holmes if a mystery hit you in the face, Ritsu" said Mio darkly. She looked between Ritsu and Yui with a frown; though it was obvious Mio was only pulling that expression to hide her steadily mounting fear. "K-Kon-chan's not a piranha…"

"No, he could be something MUCH worse!" said Ritsu eagerly. She sounded as though she were telling a horror story- because her voice dropped in volume and became far more atmospheric as she continued. "Imagine this, Mio. You go to feed Kon-chan, being very careful to sprinkle the food into the tank without letting your dainty fingertips brusht he water. But then… DISASTER!"

Ritsu clapped her hands together- and Mio gave a loud squeal.

"Yes!" Ritsu continued, her teasing smile growing, until it almost engulfed half of her face. "Your fingers slip, and then- CRUNCH! Kon-chan opens her mouth to reveal row upon row of sharp, pointed teeth! Blood stains the water- poor Mio-chan screams- and she tries to wrestle her ring finger away- it's hanging on by a few threads of flesh- and- CHOMP! It's torn RIGHT OFF, your finger bleeding from the stump…"

Throughout Ritsu's tale Mio's face had grown paler and paler, until she looked like a ghost. Her mouth fell open in a small 'o', and her arms moved round her body to embrace her shaking shoulders.

But it was Ritsu's final words that really snapped what little remained of Mio's self control.

"And the worst thing is," said Ritsu solemnly, "Kon-chan bit off the ring finger on your _left _hand. You'll never play the bass again."

Mio's whole body shuddered.

And then, she screamed.

"Y-you… Ritsu, you **jerk**! D-don't say things like that! S-s-stupid Ritsu!"

There was a loud crunch- as Mio's fist crunched into the top of Ritsu's head.

Forget Kon-chan.

The frightened Akiyama Mio was the most deadly creature in the club room at that exact moment.

* * *

><p>"I wonder what breed of fish Kon-chan is exactly, though," said Mugi dreamily, peering into the fish tank.<p>

Kon-chan swum around awkwardly- dragging its over-large, obese body behind it as a teenage girl would tote around heavy shopping bags after a trip to the mall. Kon-chan's beady, ink-stain eyes were sharp as ever, though; seeming to spin around in their sockets as the fish took in its surroundings.

Kon-chan… honestly looked as though it was thinking.

Thinking hard.

Somehow, the strange glimmer in that fish's eyes made it look even more intelligent than Yui- who was currently sat at the table in the centre of the room, sipping her tea and kicking her legs back and forth like a child on a swing.

That… was just a little worrying.

The fish shouldn't have looked more intelligent than Yui.

Granted, it wasn't hard to look more intelligent than Yui- inanimate objects managed it fairly frequently- but still…

"Do you not know that type of fish Kon-chan is?" asked Azusa, speaking with some surprise; because she'd always assumed (naïvely, most probably) that Mugi knew everything. The blonde haired girl was rather intelligent- more so than her dreamy appearance let on- and she was a fairly reliable person to turn to in a crisis.

The fact that even Mugi didn't know what type of fish Kon-chan was made the light music club's new pet even more mysterious.

And- Azusa hastened to admit- a little creepier.

"I'm afraid I don't," said Mugi, shaking her head. "I own a large number of pets at home- but I've never seen a fish like this before."

Azusa felt a rather sickening, sinking feeling bud in her chest.

Somehow, Ritsu and Yui's joke from earlier- that Kon-chan might be a very rare, very dangerous species not entirely suited to be a 'pet'- no longer seemed so ridiculous.

If that was the case, it would make sense that the strange, pink-haired woman had been so desperate to give away the supposedly 'rare' fish; even handing Kon-chan away for free.

Azusa sighed.

If it was too good to be true, it probably was.

"Maybe we should take Kon-chan back," said Azusa. She didn't want the light music club to be beleaguered by an 'illegal' fish. That would only create problems.

Yui, however, had very strong feelings on the matter.

"No!" said Yui loudly, abandoning her chair (in her haste the legs of the chair made a horrible _skreeech _across the floor) and diving over to the fish tank. Taking a protective stance, arms spread wide- almost knocking poor Mugi over- Yui pouted at Azusa. "We can't return Kon-chan! As his mother, I won't let you!"

"…I thought we decided Kon-chan was a girl?" said Mugi.

Yui shrugged. "I don't care what gender Kon-chan is- I'll love her all the same! With all my heart! You won't split us apart, Azu-nyan!"

"Yui, we've barely had the fish for ten minutes," said Azusa.

"That's where you're wrong!" Yui stabbed a finger in Azusa's direction- her eyes lighting up, and a small, triumphant smile spreading across her face. "It's been seventy three minutes and five seconds exactly!"

"Y-you kept count?"

"Yep!"

…Azusa should have been surprised.

She really should have been.

But Hirasawa Yui was so bizarre Azusa couldn't find the willpower to even summon a quirked brow. Oh, if only Yui would put as much effort into playing the guitar as she did at being utterly infuriating.

"Okay, okay," said Azusa, placing her hands on her hips. "We won't give away Kon-chan."

"Yay!~" Yui gave a small victory dance- and then pulled Azusa into a quick hug. "I love you, Azu-nyan!"

"_**But**_," said Azusa, wincing as Yui crushed her ribs. "B-but, we are going to take Kon-chan back to the pet store. I want to know what 'fish' she… or he… or, whatever- I want to know what type of 'fish' it is exactly."

And it might have been nice to know its gender, too.


	4. I got bored, I went to bed!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Four  
>'I Got Bored, I Went to Bed!'<p>

* * *

><p>Nakano Azusa sighed as she stared up at the uninspiring beige ceiling of her bathroom. Her body was submerged in water, pooling over her thighs and stomach, and her long hair stuck to her body like seaweed.<p>

Usually, when Azusa sat in the bathtub, she ran through simple chord motions in her head, or visualized the way her fingers would move against her guitar strings when playing through various songs. Azusa didn't like to be idle- not even when she was bathing- and her mind was constantly at work, even without a guitar in her hands.

Azusa wondered, as she sunk down even further into the warm water, whether Yui thought about playing her guitar (sorry- 'Gitah') so seriously. Did Yui, like she did, find herself humming her guitar solos in 'Fuwa Fuwa Time' when she watched TV, or waited for the bus, or sat in the bath?

…Azusa doubted it, somehow.

Yui probably played about with bubbles when _she _was in the bath, just like a little child, giggling all the while as water rolled in rivulets off her flushed skin and-

W-wait…

W-why was Azusa thinking about Yui-senpai in the _bath_? W-wasn't that just a little bit creepy?

Azusa's face flushed strawberry red. As though trying to hide her embarrassment (although nobody was there to tease her. Maybe it was a reflex reaction to such a… humiliating thought), Azusa sunk so far down into the water that only her eyes and nose remained atop of the surface.

She breathed in through her nose slowly; in and out, in and out.

Tried to calm herself down.

Anchor her thoughts.

Azusa tried to force her mind to tune into her part of No, Thank You!- but, just as before, her thought process was completely derailed by an image of that hideous fish.

Kon-chan.

Even though the water was warm, Azusa felt a sudden chill go down her spine. It was a hackneyed expression- 'her face went pale'- but a very similar thing happened to Nakano Azusa, as she sat in her bath with her dark hair floating about her, glistening like oil.

Azusa had been trying to focus on playing the guitar- she really had- but her mind had wandered. It was unusual for Azusa to get sidetracked. She was so disciplined (unless it came to cakes); but she was entirely unable to focus.

Whenever she closed her eyes, the blank ink-spot eyes of Kon-chan seemed to stare back at her.

Watching her.

…

_Stupid._

She was being so stupid.

Tomorrow she would return to the pet shop with Yui and the others, and they would take Kon-chan with them. The pink-haired lady would identify what type of fish Kon-chan was, and everything would be fine.

Azusa knew she was just being ridiculous.

Maybe the water was too hot.

Or maybe she'd been spending too much time with Mio.

Shaking her head- berating herself, continuously, for her stupidity- Azusa reached over, and then she pulled out the plug.

Later, as Azusa toweled herself dry- the steam from the bath water still spread across the mirror, her body shuddering as cold air pressed across her bare skin- she found herself pausing; staring at the open drain.

The black, gaping hole made her think of Kon-chan's blank, staring eyes.

It would have been much easier for Azusa to convince herself she was being silly…

If she hadn't been so sure she was right.

There was something wrong with that fish.

Something terribly wrong.

* * *

><p>Taking Kon-chan back to the pet shop had been more difficult than Azusa first anticipated. Carrying the fish tank there was unfeasible- it was far too large for any of the girls to carry, and even if all five of them banded together the walk into the main shopping centre whilst trying to support a glass tank didn't sound very appealing to any of them.<p>

In the end, Azusa had scooped Kon-chan out of the tank with a handy bucket found in the store cupboard. (There were all sorts of 'interesting' things in that cupboard, Azusa had soon learnt as she prodded about in there. The bug-eyed animal costumes and the picked-apart skeleton of an old bicycle were fairly 'normal', however, when compared to the spiked, lethal-looking _mace_, lying oh-so-innocently on a shelf as though it _wasn't _a dangerous weapon. When Azusa had, falteringly, asked Sawako about it, she'd only laughed, saying something about her "nostalgic high school days"- which made Azusa shudder.

What had she needed a _mace _for?

But Azusa wasn't sure if she wanted to know the answer to that question. The strange, dreamy look that passed across Sawako's face as she began to relive some 'cherished memory' from her bygone days had been quite creepy).

Thus, with Kon-chan swimming about contentedly (well, Azusa wasn't sure if the fish was content- but she didn't much care) about in the bucket, the five members of HTT had set off in their quest to determine Kon-chan's real identity.

Yui had clamoured to hold Kon-chan's bucket for the duration for their ten minute walk into town. As she pestered and pleaded, her voice began to sound more and more childish- a direct contrast to the words coming from her mouth; "I'm Kon-chan's mommy, Azu-nyan!~ Let me hold it!~ I wanna protect Kon-chan!"

"You're not a very good mother," Ritsu had replied, grinning. "You don't even know Kon-chan's gender."

"The gender is unimportant! I'll love Kon-chan regardless!"

"They do say the outside of a person doesn't matter- it's the inside that counts- but I imagine I would be fairly upset if my parents didn't know what my gender was," Mugi had chipped in.

"Don't worry!" Ritsu reassured the keyboardist, giving Mugi a thumbs up. "You could_ never_ be mistaken you for a boy, Mugi-chan. You're so refined!"

"Which is more than can be said for you," said Mio.

"Oh la-di-_daaa_!~" crowed Ritsu, rolling her eyes. "Look at Miss Mio- she's so~oo mature."

"Compared to you I am."

Ritsu stuck out her tongue at Mio.

"...You're proving my point."

"It'd be easier if fish had breasts," said Yui; her contemplative, pensive voice startling both Mio and Ritsu out of their mini-argument- and drawing the attention of various other people passing by, to boot.

"D-don't talk about things like that in public!" Azusa shushed Yui, her own face going red.

"Why not?" asked Yui, blinking large, chocolate brown eyes at Azusa in confusion. "It's easy to see Mugi-chan and Mio-chan and Ricchan are girls 'cause they have boobs, and even if you haven't got any, Azu-nyan-"

"H-hey!" Azusa gave a small yelp of alarm- and she would've hugged her arms to her chest to hide the irritating truth of Yui's words, had she not been holding onto Kon-chan's bucket.

"-you still have lovely long hair," Yui finished, tugging at one of Azusa's pigtails. "But fish don't have breasts or hair. So how do you tell the gender? If there aren't any big physical differences between male and female fishes, does it really matter?"

"...You do have a point," said Ritsu, nodding her head. "Maybe the gender doesn't matter...?"

"Exactly! You see, you see? Ricchan gets it!"

Azusa felt the red flush on her face turn crimson as she saw- out of the corner of her eyes- a group of men sniggering at Yui's childish reasoning. It was only logical a young girl in her school blazer and a short skirt happily discussing the female anatomy with her friends would've drawn some attention- and Azusa had half a mind to shout at Yui "why are you so _**dense**_?"

A-and why didn't Ritsu or Tsumugi seem to care...?

Azusa made a small hissing noise of irritation at the back of her throat, wishing- not for the first time- that the ground would open up and swallow her whole.

"Eee!~ Azu-nyan just made a cat noise!" Yui squealed.

"I-it was so cute~" said Mugi dreamily.

"Azu-nyan, you just made my day!" said Yui, clapping her hands together in excitement. "You were all like- 'nyan!' Or 'nya'? Umm... Mreeowww...?" Yui made a series of strange noises at the back of her throat, as though she had something stuck in her mouth. This strange behavior, of course, only drew more attention to the girls of HTT- until Azusa began to pray for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. "It doesn't matter, it was still cute," said Yui, smiling.

Azusa's left eye twitched.

That was _precisely_ why she wouldn't let Yui carry Kon-chan- regardless of whether she was Kon-chan's 'mommy' or not.

Knowing Yui, she probably would've dropped the bucket and poured her son/daughter down an open manhole, or onto somebody's shoes.

That girl was a complete _airhead._

* * *

><p>Mio had tried to be strong as they reached the pet store, but it was all in vain. Azusa saw the bassist begin to quake as they neared the shop; most likely owing to the traumatic, snake-related event from yesterday. Azusa's suspicions were soon confirmed when Ritsu- grinning from ear to ear- crept up behind Mio, wrapped her arms round her neck, and shouted, "THE SNAKE'S GOING TO <em><strong>GET YOU<strong>_, MIO! Rawwwrrrr!"

Mio's resulting scream had been so loud it nearly broke Azusa's eardrums- and if Yui's talk of breasts from before had drawn unwelcome attention, Azusa was sure Martians out in space had heard Mio's splitting, banshee-like yell.

Ritsu's childish prank earned her a black eye a la the embarrassed Mio- and then Mio had stormed off, her face bright red and her eyes strangely tear-filled, muttering something to herself about 'stupid Ritsu'.

"I think you went a bit too far this time, Ricchan," said Yui, her voice unusually serious, as she watched Mio push her way through the staring crowd with an out of character amount of force. "Poor Mio-chan went off just like a firework."

"Aheh..." Ritsu gave a nervous laugh, scratching the back of her head. "Maybe I did. Aha... I-I should probably go apologize. A-and I don't want Mio to do anything stupid."

"Mio-senpai's not the one who does stupid things," said Azusa.

"Oooh! Did I just get burned by little Nakano?"

"...Burned?"

Ritsu tilted her head to one side, looking at Azusa- before she smiled. "Nah. It doesn't matter. Anyway- I'll meet you guys up outside the store. I'm going to go calm Mio down. And maybe try to force feed her some strawberry smoothie. That'll calm her down."

Giving the three remaining members of HTT a wave, Ritsu sped off down the street- weaving in out of the surprised pedestrians as she tried to catch up with the runaway Mio.

"Ricchan can be quite mature about some things, can't she?" said Mugi, voice light and pleasant as a summer's day, as they watched her retreating form.

"T-that's so true," said Yui, holding a hand to her heart. "Be strong, Ricchan!"

"It would be a shame if your beautiful friendship with Mio-chan ended so cruelly..."

"We're rooting for you, Ricchan!"

"Do your best!"

Azusa watched Mugi and Yui exchange 'good luck's with a small frown.

Sure- it was okay to cheer Ritsu on, but wasn't it Ritsu's own fault Mio had stormed off?

...And snakes didn't go 'rawr', anyway.

* * *

><p>"W-what do you mean, you don't know what it is?"<p>

"I meant what I said, you stupid little kid. What are you, eight?" asked the sour-faced blonde behind the counter.

"Azu-nyan's not that young," said Yui, smiling blithely. "She's just cute and short and teensy-tiny! She's, um... Um... Fun-sized! Y-yeah, that's it!"

"Or maybe pocket-sized?" suggested Mugi, her eyes lighting up like constellations.

"Pocket-sized! Like pocket monsters! A-azu-nyan-mon... Azumon... T-that's so adorable!"

"Too cute!"

Azusa stared at her supposed 'senpai' with narrowed eyes.

She didn't even _want_ to know what Yui and Mugi were imagining.

The irritable blonde girl behind the counter of the pet store continued to glare. Her hair was pulled into a side ponytail that looked incredibly heavy- and she had an awful _lot _of hair; pooling atop the counter in coils of gold. Maybe that was the reason why the side-tailed shop assistant looked so angry; because her incredibly long hair was weighing half her head down.

It was unfair, thought Azusa, that Miss. Side-Tail had accused her of being 'eight', when Miss. Side-Tail was also very short of stature, with a rather flat chest. Wasn't that a case of the pot calling the kettle black? Maybe Miss. Side-Tail was just embarrassed about her own figure, so she was taking it out on Azusa.

According to her nametag, pinned onto her skirt at a slightly crooked angle (the perfectionist in Azusa twitched), Miss. Darkness and Gloom's name was 'Akita Neru'.

'Akita Neru'...?

As in, 'I got bored, went to sleep'?

That's girl's name must have been a self-fulfilling prophecy, because Akita Neru looked incredibly bored, and also rather tired. When Mugi, Yui and Azusa had entered the shop, her head had been against the counter, and she'd been snoring; basking in the small amount of sunlight that filtered through the window like a cat. It had been Yui's cry of "awww! So cute!" that had woken Neru up- and perhaps that was another reason (the stupid hairstyle and flat figure aside) why Akita's temper was so foul.

...Or maybe she was just a horrible person.

"Look, I don't want to be here," Neru hissed, giving Azusa a glare so pointed it cut right through her. "I hate it."

"Then why are you here, Neru-chan?" asked Yui.

"Okay. One- don't call me that," said Neru, holding up one finger as she counted off the points (her fingernails were bright yellow, just like the trim on her shirt and her tie. Somehow, that color didn't suit her disposition). "And two- I'm here because the cell phone companies are all conspiring against me, and it's all a lie! Every time they bring out a new cell I really want, it's just a little bit more expensive than the last, so I work harder to get enough money- and by the time I _**have **_enough money they bring out a new one, so I've got to save up all over again! It's a vicious cycle and it's pissing me off!"

...Wow.

That girl had _problems._

It sounded like she'd been waiting for a while to rant about the rotten nature of the cell phone industry, too. Azusa somehow got the feeling she was the bitter, hate-filled sort of girl who cut into people on internet messaging boards just for fun.

"I hate it," spat Neru. "I don't want to be in this stupid store, and I don't want to look at your... hideous pet abomination, so turn around and get out, okay?"

"Do you know any person who works here who has pink hair?" asked Azusa. "She sold us this fish- I thought she'd know what it is."

Neru wrinkled up her nose. "There's no person who works here who has pink hair. There's Lily, who's a bitch, and Miku, who's a bigger bitch, but they don't have pink hair."

"Are you sure?"

"Look, _Azumon_," said Neru coldly, stabbing a manicured finger in Azusa's face. "I've been working in this hell hole, surrounded by whiny little children who want to buy rabbits they'll completely forget to feed and clean out and KILL in two weeks and stupid tree-hugger hippie types looking for stick insects to increase their karmic energy levels, for over a year now. I know EVERYBODY who works here- and none of them have pink hair."

"But-"

"And we don't have ANY fish in stock like that one," Neru continued. "It's hideous- and we'd give people nightmares if we displayed abominations like that in our 'happy happy family-friendly store'," said Neru, making little quotey marks with her fingers. "So take that hideous, godforsaken waste of scales out of my sight before I barf, and get out of my face. I was _sleeping."_

And, true to her word, Akita Neru rested her head back onto the counter, and closed her eyes.

Azusa could only watch her with poorly disguised disgust.

Some people were so...

So...

_Urgh._

* * *

><p>Yui, Azusa and Mugi met up with Mio and Ritsu at a nearby cafe. True to Ritsu's earlier words, she'd purchased a strawberry smoothie and forced it into Mio's hands. Mio didn't look nearly as pale as she'd done before. The healing powers of the smoothie seemed to have worked its magic on her.<p>

"So the girl didn't know what fish Kon-chan was?" asked Ritsu, placing her fingers under her chin in a 'thinking' position. "That's suspicious..."

"And even suspiciouser-er!" said Yui. "She didn't know who the pink-haired woman from yesterday was, either!"

"Woah... That's like something from a ghost story!"

"I know!"

"Maybe the woman was a dead spirit who loved her goldfish more than anything- so she drii~iifted through the land, trying to find somebody to care for her beloved, long-lost-"

"S-stupid Ritsu! D-don't talk about ridiculous things like that...!"

At Ritsu's 'chilling' ghost story, Mio's shoulders tensed up, and she began to shake.

"A-ah..." Ritsu looked a little abashed, and she gave Mio a small smile. "I'm sorry, Mio. Don't take it too seriously- I'm just joking."

"S-some jokes aren't funny..."

"Huh..." Yui's voice- strangely pensive once more- drifted through Mio and Ritsu's conversation. The brunette was staring into Kon-chan's bucket with a small frown on her face. Somehow, the somber expression made Yui look older. "I guess this means... We're the only family Kon-chan has left, huh...?"

Yui looked up at the assembled members of HTT, the light falling across her face in a way that made her seem almost... _mature._

"I guess we'll have to do our best." Yui smiled. "We'll be the most amazing family _ever."_

* * *

><p>Something was wrong with Mugi.<p>

Throughout the duration fo the walk home, the blonde girl had been smiling to herself, as though delighting in some hidden joke. Finally, Azusa could take it no more- and turned to give the keyboardist a questioning look.

"What's wrong...?"

"I-I can't really vocalize it," said Mugi, still smiling that dreamy smile. "B-but t-that girl at the shop..."

"She was really rude, huh?"

At the sound of the word 'rude', Mugi's eyes began to shine, and she nodded her head. "Y-yes! Yes, she was- that was it precisely!"

Azusa blinked at Mugi in confusion. "So...?"

"N-nobody's ever been 'rude' to me before...! T-that was the first time..." Mugi's face flushed slightly, and her sincere smile grew just a little wider. "S-so that's how it feels to be insulted... I-it's such a strange mixture of emotions, I... I'm quite overcome..."

Azusa couldn't but smile, ever so slightly, at Mugi's bizarre reaction.

That girl was so strange sometimes.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **knowing short-tempered shop girl in this chapter is neru-chan might help some vocaloid savvy fans place a name to the pink haired woman who appeared in chapter two :D  
>more friendshippy stuff, the ~mystery of kon-chan~ deepens, yui is strangely srs? XD;;<br>still focusing on the friendship stuff, horrory stuff to come later when kon-chan's ~true nature~ is revealed XD I hope you stick around until then, & I hope you're still enjoying it ^_^;

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	5. I can't find it!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Five  
>'I Can't Find It!'<p>

* * *

><p>Azusa had been rather unsettled after their visit to the pet store. The blonde-haired girl had done little to soothe her nerves. If anything, she'd only made them worse; like prodding and poking at an already inflamed wound.<p>

Then, after a few minutes of thought- it was impossible to brood in Yui's company anyway- Azusa had been able to calm herself down enough to think rationally. Azusa prided herself on rational thinking (it was a talent many of her friends, quite sadly, seemed to lack), and she didn't like feeling so lost or confused about something as insignificant as a _pet fish._

The answer to her dilemma was fairly simple.

The blonde-haired girl (Akita Neru, was it?) had been lying to them.

The woman who'd given them Kon-chan didn't exist?

_Please._

That sounded like a line from a bad horror movie; hardly something to take seriously in real life. Of course the woman who'd given them Kon-chan existed- otherwise, the light music club wouldn't be in possession of such an ugly pet. The existence of Kon-chan itself was proof the woman who'd given them the gift must have existed. It was unshakable material evidence that would've held up in a court of law!

…At least, it probably would've done. Azusa didn't know how the Japanese legal system worked exactly, but she was sure it would have backed her claims over Neru's any day of the week.

Just because Akita Neru said the woman didn't exist, it didn't mean that was true. Why should Azusa listen to the words of a virtual stranger? If somebody had come up to Azusa in the street and told her, very excitedly, the sky was falling down, Azusa wouldn't have believed them. That was ridiculous.

And so, too, were Neru's assurances the pink-haired woman was no more real than Ritsu's self-control. The only reason Azusa had considered believing Neru in the first place was because she'd already been paranoid and shaken by that stupid fish. By being doubtful, Azusa had allowed herself to be fooled by a cruel girl playing a childish prank.

Akita Neru must have been lying. It was obvious she had to the capacity to do so judging by how rude she'd been. Moreover, it had been fairly evident Neru wanted them out of the shop ASAP so she could put her head on the counter and go to sleep. She'd probably told them a string of lies- saying that woman didn't exist and she didn't know what fish Kon-chan was just so Azusa, Yui and Mugi would leave her to rest in peace.

…Yes.

Azusa was fairly confident with this hypothesis.

Neru had been lying, the pink-haired woman _did_ exist, and Kon-chan was** not** (as Ritsu excitedly suggested) some as-of-yet undiscovered alien race from the planet Pororoca.

That would just have been stupid.

* * *

><p>The following month passed rather quickly, in a strangely productive flurry of activity from the light music club. When Azusa walked into the club room one day to see Yui with her guitar slung round her shoulder, she wondered- quite seriously- whether she'd unwittingly opened a wormhole in the space time continuum and stumbled into a parallel universe.<p>

"Don't look so shocked, Azu-nyan~" Yui had said, smiling at Azusa's shocked expression. "You said you wanted to practice more, right? So, we'll practice more! Just for youuu~"

Azusa was sure her eyes went large and sparkly at those sentiments, even though it was a bit embarrassing. "Y-you mean it…?"

"Tch. She's only saying that because I imposed a ban on cakes and tea if we don't get at least half an hours' rehearsal in every day," said Mio.

"Oh…" Azusa's face fell. "So you're doing it for the cakes instead of me?"

"Well… Why can't I do it for both of you?~ Cakes and Azu-nyan, cakes and Azu-nyan… I can't decide which one I like more!"

"…Thanks, Yui-senpai. It's nice to know, when it comes to a competition between an inanimate object and _**me**_- a living, breathing human being- you can't decide which one is most important to you," said Azusa dryly; but she was still smiling, just slightly, despite her sarcasm.

Azusa turned to Mio and mouthed 'thank you' at the bassist. Mio replied by making a small circle with her thumb and index finger; a sign that clearly read 'it's okay.'

The light music club was working harder than it had done before as the prospect of graduation loomed- ever closer- on the horizon. Azusa had to wonder whether Mio had done this for her sake, to give Azusa pleasant memories of the light music club that didn't merely involve eating cakes and messing around.

However, despite Mio's efforts, both the cake-eating and playful banter was still in abundance. Every time their half an hour of practice was up Yui would dash over to the table (sometimes without removing her Gitah in her hurry) and wait, eyes eager, for her promised cake.

Some people might have found that obnoxious, maybe slightly irritating, but to Azusa it was… somewhat endearing.

Yui was really, really… cute…

S-sometimes.

If only she'd be that energetic about her school work.

Even though Azusa pretended (and, sometimes, she didn't have to pretend) Yui's personality was annoying, she wouldn't have had her senpai any other way. A Yui who was mature and serious would cease to be Hirasawa Yui at all.

Besides (as loathe as she was to admit it), Azusa enjoyed the delicious cakes and teas Mugi brought in for them. Just as a serious Yui wouldn't have been Yui, the light music club wouldn't have been the light music club without tea and cakes. It was what made HTT Houkago Tea-Time, after all. Azusa welcomed the brief period of rest at the end of the day where they could sit, lean back in their chairs (Ritsu sometimes tipped her chair onto two legs- which met with disastrous results when she over-balanced and cracked her head against the floor, to Mio's irritation; 'I told you that would happen. I _kept telling you_') and talk about… well, general things, really. As an unspoken rule, they avoided speaking about graduation. Azusa didn't want to think about depressing things like that; not when her taste buds were being enchanted with the sweet flavor of strawberry cheesecake.

Their concert at the school festival- the event they'd been practicing for under Mio's 'draconian' (in Yui's words) no-cake policy- went better than anybody could have hoped. The atmosphere was almost electric, and as Azusa played she'd been unable to stop herself smiling. When she played music with the rest of HTT- with her _friends_- surrounding her the future seemed so far away and distant a great celestial being might as well have hit the 'stop' button of Azusa's life. How could Ritsu or Mugi or Mio or Yui leave when they had so much fun together?

(And, to a lesser extent, how on earth could Yui graduate when she had the common sense of a minnow? The thought of Yui being let loose on the world was _scary_!)

Azusa soon became lost in the hectic, fast-moving pace of everyday life. She fully intended to spend every waking moment playing music or eating cake with her upperclassman; trying to hold onto what little time remained for HTT before it slipped through her fingers like sand.

Azusa didn't want to think about them graduating.

Azusa didn't want to think about being alone.

So, instead, Azusa concentrated on having fun; trying to banish the cloud of misery from her mind with happy memories and happy times. Every single second Azusa spent with her friends was precious and she wouldn't allow it to go to waste.

At one point Azusa had intended to take Kon-chan back to the pet store and get a second opinion of 'it's' mysterious origins. If Neru had been lying (which seemed 99% likely) then it would only take persistence to hunt down the pink-haired woman who'd given them Kon-chan.

However...

Azusa soon forgot about the pink-haired woman; and even her fears about Kon-chan disappeared, fading into the back of her mind.

It didn't matter.

All that mattered was trying to hold onto time, freeze everything as it was because everything was perfect- the creepy fish notwithstanding.

_Houkago Tea-Time will be together forever and ever._

_And even if that's not possible..._

_We'll always be friends._

* * *

><p>"I've got you this time!"<p>

"Oh no you don't! Rei-chan's gonna pummel you!"

"Ha! Your faith in your friends will be your downfall, Yui-chan! Mikoto-chan's going to unleash her final attack! All limits broken!"

"A devastating show of power! Truly you are a worthy opponent, Ricchan!"

"...Can you even understand what they're saying?" asked Mio, looking at Ritsu and Yui with a confused look on her face. That expression of complete and utter bewilderment was not out of place, either.

Ritsu and Yui were sat cross-legged by the TV in Yui's front room. Their eyes were staring intently at the scene of multi-colored carnage flickering across the screen, as they both hammered buttons on the controllers in their hands. A battle epic proportions between two magical little sisters fighting to defend their 'onii-chans' was being carried out on the TV screen; a battle that could decide the fates of thousands of big brothers everywhere! Ritsu's character, Mikoto, was a twin-tailed, pink-haired little sister in a sailor suit. Yui's character, Reika, was a witch with princess curls and a rather strange... tentacle attack...? Azusa didn't even know what to call_ that_... But the battle between the two devoted little sisters was harsh and fierce. Ritsu and Yui's fingers hammered the buttons of their respective controllers in a mad frenzy, trying to launch as many special attacks as possible whilst, at the same time, trying to avoid the enemy's devastating blows. Yui's tongue was even poking out of the corner of her mouth from the effort of concentration.

_'True Little Sister's Apocalypse, Sispocalypse' _was, to Yui and Ritsu, more than a 'game'. It was a matter of life and death!

...Azusa, on the other hand, thought it was a fairly unremarkable fighting game with a ridiculous premise, and the main characters (a selection of magical little sisters) really should have been wearing more clothes than they were. If you were going to fight in a magical battle, wasn't a sailor suit a bit impractical? Besides, in what cruel, twisted universe would pre-pubescent girls have to go and fight the forces of evil...? Wasn't that unrealistic?

"You have the strangest of games, Yui-senpai," said Azusa, sighing. "I don't know whether to be disturbed or... Disturbed."

"Oh, it's not my game," said Yui."

"Who's is it then?"

"It's Ui's!"

Azusa's face went pale. "...What."

"Oh yeah, Ui has a thing about little sisters," said Yui, smiling blithely. Apparently, Yui saw nothing strange about that sentence, but...

"That's so sweet~" said Mugi dreamily, clasping her hands together. "Perhaps Ui-chan is studying how to be the perfect little sister for you? Maybe that's why she bought that game…"

"Haha, maybe!~ I wouldn't want Ui-chan fighting the forces of evil on my behalf like Reika-chan, though," said Yui. "I wouldn't want her to get hurt."

"Why am I going to fight the forces of evil, onee-chan?" asked Ui, sticking her head round the doorway.

"You're not!" Yui answered. She had to raise her voice so Ui could hear, even though Ui was only a few feet away. The volume of the TV had been cranked right up courtesy of Ritsu, and the loud explosions, little girlish cries of "kyahhh!" and declarations of **'combo burst!' **from the strangely over-enthusiastic narrator emitting from the TV nearly drowned Yui out. "I wouldn't let you go into battle like Reika, Ui-chan! I'd die to protect you! And if you _**did **_go into battle like Reika-chan, you'd have to wear more clothes than that! A cape and a pointy hat aren't good guards against magical mana energy strikes!"

Azusa was astounded Yui had noticed this serious flaw in the game. Yui had been so absorbed in her duel-to-the-death with Ricchan it was amazing to think she'd noticed just how idiotic the game she was getting so fired up over really was.

Yui was a strange person.

Ui smiled and said, "That's very sweet, onee-chan. Now." Ui turned to face the five girls who were lounging in her front room; Ritsu, Yui and Mugi by the TV with folded legs, Mio and Azusa sat on the sofa, rather baffled by how such stupid games could become so popular (or, indeed, why a sweet person like _Ui _liked them). "What would you like to eat?"

"O-oh, you don't need to do all the cooking," said Mio, her eyes turning towards the scene of chaos on the TV screen (Reika had just unleashed her strange, NC17 tentacle attack on the wailing Mikoto). "I-I'll help-"

"M-me too!" said Azusa.

Azusa, like Mio, wanted to escape the strange fighting game before it became any more bizarre- but Ui, still smiling, hadn't realized this.

"Oh no, it's fine~" said Ui. "I'd be more than happy to make all the food myself! You should enjoy yourselves!"

"Yes, but-" Mio began; but Ui cut her off.

"_I _am making the food _myself_. You should _enjoy yourselves_."

Azusa felt a cold chill run down her spine.

Mio gave a small "eep!"

Ui's pleasant smile hadn't faltered, not even for a second, but there seemed to be something darker lurking behind her words…

Did Ui have a dark side?

...That was kind of creepy.

Azusa made a mental note to _never_ interrupt Ui when she was cooking or cleaning. Some people really enjoyed doing menial tasks like that- and if they felt somebody was 'taking their place' they could become quite angry. Even the nicest of people had things that annoyed them?

It wasn't just Ui's voice that made Azusa double take, though. There was something in what Ui had said that had triggered something in Azusa's memory.

Something about food...

Had she forgotten something...?

Something important?

Something like-

_**"Victory for player two!"**_

But a loud explosion of noise from the TV screen cut through any coherent thought Azusa might once have had.

Oh well.

It probably wasn't that important anyway...

Probably.

* * *

><p>"Shit shit shit shit..."<p>

Keeping up a steady string of profanities, Sawako stomped up the stairs that led to the light music club room. With every step she took her anger reached new, unprecedented levels, until she seriously began to contemplate slamming her fist into the wall.

"Shit!"

It didn't help.

It probably would have been best to keep that particular contemplation _as _a contemplation; at least thoughts couldn't leave you with bruised, aching knuckles.

Sawako- if it were not immediately discernable from her one-word vocabulary (but what an expressive word that one word was)- was in a bad mood. It was Sunday, her day of rest- but she'd been awoken at stupid o'clock in the morning by a particularly sadistic cat yowling just outside her bedroom window that just _would not _shut up, even when she's opened said window and thrown the nearest available heavy object (her alarm clock) at it.

Following that, Sawako managed to scald herself in the shower, trip up over a pair of her discarded panties on the floor, get her hairbrush caught in her unmanageable 'morning' hair, and then- the icing on top of the metaphorical cake of rather non-metaphorical misery- her toast got stuck in the toaster and, in a valiant effort to rescue it, Sawako burnt three of her fingers.

The toast hadn't even been that good anyway. It hadn't just been burnt; it had been _incinerated_. Sawako had eaten it anyway, though. She didn't want to feel that her burnt fingers were for naught.

And then Sawako realized- the cherry on the icing of the aforementioned cake- that she'd run out of milk and toilet roll and tampons and her wallet had gone missing; vanished into the ether.

As had her spare car keys and her cell phone.

And, funnily enough, so had the bag she generally carried her wallet, spare car keys and cell phone in.

After racking her brains for a good five minutes- that steady undercurrent of 'shitshitshit' running, non-stop, through her head as it had done for the past two hours- Sawako remembered she had, in fact, left her bag in the light music club room the last time she'd been in there. Cue a frantic rush to Sakuragaoka High School. And that was why, at ten in the morning with a pounding headache and messy hair, Sawako found herself turning the key in the door of the light music club room and letting herself in.

Sawako didn't have to search long to find her missing bag. It had been placed on the table in a rather prominent place by some kindly soul (presumably Mio or Mugi. If Ritsu had found Sawako's bag the little brat probably would've hidden it or stolen her wallet 'for a joke'). A note had been left atop of her bag saying '_don't be so careless next time, sensei!~' _with a cute emoticon at the end. The hand writing was elegant; unmistakably Mugi's.

"Ha. What are you, my mother?" Sawako asked the note, crushing it in her hand. Even so, she couldn't help but smile, just a little...

Her dark mood had lessened somewhat.

Tsumugi really was a sweet-natured girl. It didn't hurt that she kept Sawako well fed and watered with delicious cakes and tea, either. For helping her find her bag, Mugi got +5 moe points (but -1 for the chiding note).

As it stood, Mio was on 238 'moe' points, Azusa on 128, Mugi on 85, Yui on 23 and Ritsu on -9,999.

After rifling through her bag to check everything was there (it was) Sawako slung the bag over her shoulder and turned to leave the club room- but she stopped, fingers on the door handle, as a strange, foreboding chill ran through her body.

It had only been for a brief second, but her eyes had snagged on something...

Something out of the ordinary.

Something in Ton-chan's tank.

Or maybe that should have been something _missing _from Ton-chan's tank.

Sawako's fingers fell away from the door handle. Moving with little input from her head, her legs shuffled her over to Ton-chan's tank, as though she were in some strange dream. Sawako bent down, staring into the glass.

It was empty.

The water... wasn't meant to be that color, was it? Tendrils of light pink snaked through the water like pond weed, uncoiling itself again and again...

That was strange.

What would Sawako tell the others about the 'Case of the Missing Ton-chan'? Sawako wasn't attached to that stupid turtle- not really- but it was... rather unfortunate something like that should happen just before most of HTT graduated. Maybe it was a prank? But who would do something that cruel? Sawako could, conceivably, imagine somebody doing such a thing to Ritsu; after all, that girl was irritating. But nobody would dream of picking on Mugi or Mio. And how had all that pinkish-red... stuff... gotten mixed with the water? Food coloring? Dye? But who would go to such extreme measures to play a joke?

Sawako felt something cold run through her veins.

No student at Sakuragaoka would do something so cruel as to steal Ton-chan; they all knew how much that stupid turtle meant to Yui. Besides, what person in their right mind would willingly steal something as ugly as Kon-chan, anyway?

Kon-chan...

Sawako shuddered. That strange sense of foreboding had crept up on her once more, though she didn't know why.

She was being stupid.

Even so, she felt she had to leave.

It was imperative she left _right now._

Sawako had her bag, she had her wallet, she had her keys, she had her cell phone, and now she could leave, vanishing turtles aside. Such jobs were for pet detectives, not teachers with hangovers!

With those thoughts in mind Sawako turned round.

Then…

She froze.

And screamed.

But she didn't scream for very long.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Getting to all the fun stuff now XD (Thank God! says my exasperated readers XDD)  
>Siscalypse is a made-up game that features in the anime 'my little sister can't be this cute!' XD<br>I was worrying I made this chapter too fanservicey in terms of Ui's strange sister issues, but then I flicked through a random volume of the real K-On manga and was greeted with a few lovely pictures of Mio in a nurse outfit and Yui glomping Azunyan whilst her skirt rides up, and I was all 'hmn. No. All this fanservice and yuri-ness is basically canon anyway' XDD

**~renahhchen xoxoxo**


	6. Master Detective Tsumugi can solve it!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Six  
>'Master Detective Tsumugi can solve it!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Man, Siscalypse is such a cool game! Didn't you see how awesome all those special combo attacks were?"<p>

Mio sighed. Ritsu had been babbling on and on about how 'cool' Siscalypse was for the entire duration of their walk to school. Mio had been rather flattered to find Ritsu waiting for her outside her house so they could walk to school together that Monday morning. Mio's happiness had soon melted away, however, when the first words that spilled from Ritsu's mouth were not 'good morning Mio' but, instead, the rather more underused greeting of 'didn't you see how I kicked Yui's butt at that awesome game? I'm so cool, right?'

Well, that was just typical Ritsu all over. It was always about her, her, her...

Mio sighed again. At this point her brain had completely disengaged from whatever Ritsu was saying. Ignoring her childhood friend was probably quite rude- but so was babbling non-stop about a video game Mio found incredibly dull. Not to mention all the times Ritsu had teased her in the past, about ghosts under her bed and mutants that lived in the sewers and b-b-_barnacles..._

Mio couldn't even think of that word without shuddering, as though icy fingers had pressed against her neck.

That was fine though, Mio tried to reason with herself, as she kept up a steady pace besides Ritsu. The barnacles belonged at the beach; they couldn't hurt her on her walk to school. Nothing frightening was going to happen. Nothing bad was going to-

"_Gotcha!"_

"Kyahhhh!"

A rather high-pitched, embarrassing wail forced itself from Mio's mouth, as a pair of hands clapped against her shoulders and a voice whispered in her ear. In Mio's state of hysteria that 'gotcha' sounded like a threat- and Mio very nearly fell over her own feet, onto the floor.

Luckily, Ritsu caught her before that happened.

_Thump._

Mio's school bag, however, was a lost case. The heavy object hit the ground, tipped to one side, and- somehow- the clasp holding the bag together snapped off, sending Mio's schoolbooks pouring out onto the sidewalk.

And who was the cruel, heartless person who had so callously interrupted Mio's disturbed, mental meanderings with an even more disturbed cry of 'gotcha!' and a pair of hands to her shoulders?

"I-I'm sorry Mio-chan, I-I didn't intend for that to happen! P-please forgive me! I-it was only meant to be a joke!"

...It was none other than Kotobuki Tsumugi.

Mugi's eyes were almost as wide as Mio's. Mugi's body was trembling as she looked at the scene of chaos she'd created. A near comatose Mio was held limply in Ritsu's arms, whilst her schoolbooks littered the road- some half-open like strange, papery, A4 butterflies.

Mio blinked, trying to dispel her quaking nerves. Fortunately, nothing was more comforting than the sight of Mugi's eyebrows. Those bushy brows were nightmare retardant material; soothing enough to calm Mio's frantic heartbeat.

You couldn't really be afraid of somebody when everything about them, from their personality to their eyebrows, was so fluffy.

"N-no..." said Mio, disengaging herself from Ritsu's arms. "N-no, it's okay... I-I'm sorry for startling you... Y-you caught me at a bad time."

"N-no, it's my fault for startling you!"

"Then... Aheh..." Mio gave a nervous laugh, tucking a strand of black hair behind one ear. "Shall we both apologize for startling each other?"

Mugi nodded enthusastically, clasping her hands together at her front.

"O-okay." Mio's voice was still shaking, although she tried to compose herself.

Mugi was about as dangerous as a piece of cotton wool; Mio had nothing to fear. Not really. This knowledge made Mio smile.

"I-I'll just pick up my books-"

"Let me help you!"

"Ouch!"

Both Mio and Mugi, rather over-enthusiastically, bent down to pick up the fallen books- and, at the same time, managed to bump their foreheads together.

Meanwhile, Ritsu rolled her eyes.

"Huh... And you say _I'm _an airhead."

* * *

><p>"I-I'm sorry about your bag," Mugi said.<p>

Mugi had kept up a constant string of apologizes as she walked alongside Ritsu and Mio. Now, as they entered the gates of Sakuragaoka High, she was _still _apologizing.

"No. It's fine," said Mio, trying to assure Mugi with a small smile. "Ritsu does worse things to my personal possessions- and she always does it on purpose, too."

"What?" asked Ritsu, "I do _not_! Stop spreading such cruel lies!"

"Oh. So the time you emptied the contents of a milk carton into my shoe locker in junior high was a complete fabrication on my part, was it? When I had to buy new shoes because my old ones went all funny-smelling and rancid- was that some strange delusion?" asked Mio, her eyes dangerously narrowed.

If one had looked at Akiyama Mio at that exact moment, as her words cut into Ritsu more deeply than any knife could have done, they never would have believed she was the same girl who was deathly afraid of ghosts and monsters and barnacles and being tapped on the shoulder by Kotobuki Tsumugi.

When Mio pulled faces like that, she looked _scary_; far scarier than any of the things that petrified Mio herself.

Ritsu wondered, in a brief flash of genius, whether that was ironic or not.

Ritsu gave a nervous laugh, holding her school bag aloft before her face as a kind of shield. Ritsu, in direct contrast to Mio, was almost fearless- but when Mio was in a foul temper, even Ritsu knew to duck and cover.

"Now, now, Mio-chan, that milk-in-your-shoe-locker thing was purely in the name of science."

Mio said, "Oh, alright then. And the time you left that piece of bread in my desk over Golden Week and it went all moldy… Was that in the name of science, too?"

"No," said Ritsu, smirking. "_**That**_ was in the name of 'let's see how loud we can make Mio scream'! You have to admit, it was kind of sort of hilar- oww!"

Unfortunately, Ritsu had quite forgotten to duck and cover in time.

Ritsu winced as Mio's fist bopped her on the side of the head.

"You see," said Mio, turning to face Mugi. "_That _is what a truly heartless person looks like. What you did was nothing compared to Ritsu's more 'hilarious' jokes."

"N-nothing?" asked Mugi, frowning.

Mio's face blanched. "It's not a competition. Don't try to be like Ritsu."

"You couldn't possibly be like me, O Little Mugi-chan!" said Ritsu confidently, adjusting her yellow headband. "There's only one Tainaka Ritsu! Any more of me and the unbearable levels of awesome I emanate would blow up the planet! You should stick to being the tea girl, Mugi!"

Mugi continued to frown as angrily as a Mugi could frown- that is, not very. "I-I could be 'awesome' too!"

"Pfftt. Not likely," said Ritsu, puffing up her chest. "You haven't got it in the bag like me!"

"I-I _am_ awesome," Mugi retorted, her eyes wide and sparkling. She looked distraught- as though she were a two year old who'd just been told Santa didn't exist. "I-I am... I... Oh... 'In the bag'..." The expression of hurt dissolved from Mugi's face almost entirely, like a tablet in water. "That just reminded me of something..."

"What?" asked Ritsu.

"I need to go and see if Sawa-chan managed to find her bag! I just hope I put it in an obvious enough place... Do you think she got my note?" Mugi fretted.

"I think she'll have gotten your note," said Mio. "It was kind of hard to miss…"

"I'll just go to the club room to check. I won't be five minutes!" said Mugi, smiling. Then, with a quick wave, she walked briskly in the light music club room-wards direction, her hair billowing behind her like a blonde, silken shroud.

Mio and Ritsu watched Mugi walk away for a few seconds before Mio, eyes narrowed, turned to glare at Ritsu.

"You see?" said Mio pointedly. _**"That**_ is what a kind, honest human being looks like. Remember that well."

"Huh?" Ritsu scrunched up her nose. "What're you talking about? I'm a paragon of love and joy!"

"You're certainly a paragon of arrogance and stupidity..."

"Ohhh?~ What was that, Miss. I'm Afraid of Barnacles?"

Mio's face flushed bright red. "S-shut up!"

* * *

><p>Mugi found, much to her surprise, that the door of the light music club room was unlocked. Didn't it usually get locked during the weekend? Had Azusa or Yui gone in there early to practice? In Yui's case, that fairly unlikely- bordering on impossible. Or maybe Sawako had gone to find her bag and she'd forgotten to lock up... The possibilities were endless, really- and one unlocked door wasn't such a big deal in the real world, was it? Of course, Mugi- with her extensive knowledge- knew, if she'd been in a novel, an unlocked door that should have been locked was a Bad Omen (so bad it was deserving of capital letters). An unlocked door that should have been locked was just as telling of disaster as a locked door that should have been unlocked, or a locked door with a dead body behind it, or the beginnings of typhus! At least, that was always the case in mystery novels...<p>

However, in reality (a rather depressing place, by all accounts. Mugi much preferred fantasy), a vast number of harmless coincidences could have come together to cause the normally locked door of the clubroom to be in its unlocked state.

And, in the end, it didn't really matter all that much anyway.

The only slightly upsetting thing about the unlocked door was that Mugi had wasted precious time going to the teachers' lounge to ask for the key to the club room. Mugi sighed. She liked opening doors with keys- it seemed so quaintly anachronistic to her, as all the doors in her mansion opened via highly technological means to thwart potential burglars.

...Oh well.

Being unable to open the clubroom door with a key was disappointing, but Mugi was sure there'd be a next time. Of course, she could have locked the door herself and then unlocked it again- but that wouldn't have been so satisfying.

Mugi had strange rules she followed regarding that kind of thing that other people probably wouldn't have understood.

Shrugging, Master Detective Tsumugi pushed open the door and let herself in.

Immediately, Mugi was met with a sense that something was 'Not Right'. The sense of 'Not Right'ness was so overpowering even an ordinary person without the status of a 'Master Detective' like Mugi could have picked up on it.

There was- for wont of a better word- something _creepy _in the air.

Mugi, however, unlike Ritsu, had actually read Sherlock Holmes, and didn't just throw about detective novel references for the fun of it. Mugi had also read the novels of Agatha Christie and Van Dine. Therefore, she was more adept than anyone to crack this mystery that had sprouted up around the light music club room!

First, Master Detective Mugi decided decisively, she needed to look for clues.

Well…

There was one rather obvious clue lying on the floor. It was Sawako's bag.

How had it been knocked off the table? If the door was open, that implied somebody had come into the club room during the weekend- or early morning, or perhaps even on Friday evening just after the members of HTT had gone home to enjoy the weekend- and disrupted the room... B-but as the door was still open, did that mean this 'somebody else' (most likely Sawako) was still in the room? If they were, though, Mugi couldn't see them.

Was Sawako hiding from her?

Why would Sawa-chan do something like that? It was true Sawako was rather childish, but Mugi couldn't imagine her teacher hiding under a table so early in the morning just so she could play a trick on somebody. That would have been too strange, too out of character... And why would Sawako have dropped her bag on the floor like that? Important items such as her cell phone and a ring of keys were in there; people didn't simply throw such things away...

Had something caused Sawako to drop her bag in fright and run?

"Wow~" said Tsumugi dreamily, as she bent down into a crouch before Sawako's bag. "I feel just like I'm a detective~~ Hehe... This is kind of fun..."

Mugi wondered whether she should crawl around the floor to search for any other clues. Most detectives in TV dramas merely walked around the crime scene- but that wasn't good enough if you wanted to take in every detail! You had to look both at the floor and ceiling rather than just eye level to get a decent look at the crime scene!

As Mugi pondered her next action, however, she became so lost in thought she overbalanced. Mugi fell out of her crouch and onto her butt, her palms hit the floor in an attempt to steady herself-

And then Mugi felt it.

There was something wet and sticky underneath her outstretched fingers.

Slowly, tremulously, Mugi took her splayed fingers from the floor and brought them to her face.

Her fingertips were stained red.

And Mugi was sure that wasn't strawberry jam.

You didn't need to be a detective to deduce that.

* * *

><p>"Mugi-chan's been gone for an awfully long time," said Mio, looking up at the clock on the classroom wall. "Homeroom's going to start in a few minutes..."<p>

Mio and Ritsu were sat in their homeroom. Mio had stolen Yui's chair (for whatever reason Yui was late- but, apparently, she always was. Even with Ui spurring her onwards, Yui was lazy) and had pushed it by Ritsu's desk so the pair could talk.

"If you're so worried about getting in trouble, Miss Perfect, why don't cha go sit back in your own seat?~" Ritsu asked, voice taunting, as she tugged lightly on Mio's hair.

"G-get off," said Mio, shrugging Ritsu's fingers away. "I-I'm just a little worried about Mugi... She's been gone ten minutes."

"Ehh? Is that really why you're still here? Or are you just afraid of leaving my side for two minutes?~"

"W-what are you talking about?"

"You're obsessed with me! Everybody is- don't feel ashamed~ It's just the natural way of the world!" said Ritsu, her voice grandiose, as she spread her arms wide in a gesture that plainly read 'worship me'.

Mio stared at Ritsu for a few seconds, eyes narrowed.

Then- moving with the speed of a missile- Mio reached forwards across Ritsu's desk, grabbed hold of the drummer's trademark headband, and pulled it off her head. Instantly, as though it were alive, Ritsu's bangs sproinged free of their constraints (one could almost hear the separate strands of hair shouting 'freedom!') It took little under five seconds for Ritsu's bangs to eat half her face.

"K-kyah!" Ritsu wailed, flailing her arms in a windmill-like manner. "I can't see! Mio, you've _blinded_ me! Give me my headband back!"

"No."

"Aww, Mi~ooo!"

"Not until you take back what you just said."

"What bit of it?"

"_All of it!_"

"Don't be so childish, Mio. You have to be more specific than that," said Ritsu- her voice suddenly more serious, more mature.

Mio blinked at Ritsu in confusion. "E-excuse me_? I'm_ childish?"

"Yes," Ritsu affirmed. "By telling me I have to take back 'all' the things I've ever said, you have- quite inadvertently, I'm sure- said something rather rude and hurtful. You were implying I have said nothing of worth in my whole lifespan. That is quite cruel. Moreover, it's unfeasible to expect me to apologize for every single word that's come out of my mouth since birth."

By this point Ritsu had managed to push her overly long bangs out of her face, leaving a small gap for her eyes to peer out of. Ritsu's lips were pulled into an upside down 'V' shape that, strangely enough, suited her. It made her look like a moody rock star... Without her headband and sunshine smile, Ritsu looked like a different person- almost like somebody to be taken seriously!

Whoa… Now, that _was _a scary concept.

Mio felt herself flushing slightly, but her will remained iron. Just because Ritsu looked more mature, it didn't mean she _was _more mature. Unless... wait! Mio turned to give Ritsu's headband a suspicious look. Did that headband control Ritsu's mind? Did wearing it reduce your IQ? Could touching it have the same effect? Could-

With a small 'eep', Mio let the headband drop from her fingers. Instantly, she felt her mind clear up, and her previous train of thought dissipating. Perhaps it was a placebo effect, but Mio honestly felt she'd become _stupider _touching that headband...

Mio shuddered.

With her usual smile and a small 'yoink!' sound effect, Ritsu claimed back her fallen headband and pushed back her bangs, letting it rest in its usual place. Then, she sighed, as though she had just received a vision from the future.

"At last~" said Ritsu. "The balance has been restored."

Mio frowned. She'd liked Ritsu better when she wasn't wearing the mind-control headband...

"Aww, don't look so scared just 'cause I know some big words," said Ritsu, grinning at Mio's shocked expression. "I was just teasin' you."

"D-don't do that again..."

"I won't!~ Talking like that was awful," said Ritsu, sticking out her tongue. "It made my head hurt. I don't know how people like Nodoka-chan manage it!"

"A-anyway," said Mio, trying to get her bearings. She felt distinctly disoriented after Ritsu's sudden show of maturity, and she wasn't sure why. It was a rare sight to behold- like a blue moon, or fairies. Not that Mio thought, or had _ever _thought, fairies existed, of course... "I think we should go to find Mugi-chan. It's strange that she would ditch class like that, and I can't imagine why it would take ten minutes to see whether Sawako-sensei had picked up her bag..."

"Sure thing, sure thing, O Eternal Worrier," said Ritsu, stretching. "If it'll make you feel any better."

* * *

><p>Nakano Azusa was sat in her classroom listening to the Math teacher talk about quadratics. It was her first lesson of the day. Only ten minutes into her teacher's lecture, however, Azusa felt her cell phone vibrate in her pocket.<p>

Azusa knew students weren't meant to leave their cell phones on in school, but her mother insisted she take one with her. Azusa loved her mother, but she was fairly over-protective. Azusa didn't live that far from the school; the chances of her getting kidnapped in-between the five minute walk to and from Sakuragoaka were rather slim. Even so, Azusa complied with her mother's wishes, if only to keep her happy. It would have been stupid antagonizing her over something so small.

Azusa was thankful her phone had been set on silent. Once, her mother had phoned her during school to check whether she'd taken her scarf and mittens to school (this was October, when it hadn't even been cold). However, Azusa hadn't changed the settings of her phone, and a rather loud chorus of '_MERUTTOOO toketeshimaisOUUUUU' _had filled her classroom. Everybody had laughed. Jun had afterwards said, smirking, that "I didn't think a serious-looking girl like you would be into such cute music, Azu-nyan!~"

...That had been rather embarrassing.

Discreetly, Azusa fished her cell phone out of her blazer pocket and looked at the screen under her desk. Azusa had expected it to be a standard message from her Mother, saying something along the lines of 'did you pack your bento?' or 'is your head still attached to your shoulders?' or 'are you still alive? Is your tongue still pink? Do you have a pulse, pumpkin?'

However, the message wasn't from her mother.

It was from Ritsu.

The message read: **HELP KON-CHAN ATE MIO**

Azusa blinked at the message in disbelief.

Then, she sighed, and texted back a fairly sarcastic reply: **Yes, and I'm an alien android with magical singing powers from the future.**

Azusa waited for a minute before she received a reply from Ritsu: **Rly? o:**

Azusa keyed in another sarcastic reply- **yes. My hair is actually green.**- before she turned her phone off, flipped it closed, and put it in her skirt pocket.

Azusa rolled her eyes.

Ritsu was such an idiot.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **The plot thickens o:  
>LE GASPE.<br>Writing this was an /insane/ amount of fun XD Detective Tsumugi to the rescue!~  
>Um, maybe not, but I had fun writing it XD;<br>I love Mugi, she's fun to write :D

I hope you guys are still enjoying it, it's fairly slow-moving but I hope the eventual payoff will be worth it, I'm happy if you're still sticking with me regardless of my fic's flaws and yadda yadda yadda. I want to hear what you think ^_^;;  
>Actual stuff with happen next chapter.<br>Awesome stuff XD  
>Well, maybe it won't be awesome, but I hope it will be... :D<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	7. Let's calm down and think about cake!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Seven  
>'Let's calm down and think about cake!'<p>

* * *

><p>"Hey, Yui-senpai-"<p>

"Yay!~ Azu-nyan!"

Azusa winced as, with no warning, she was pulled into a bone-crushing hug by her senpai. Then again, merely being in Yui's presence seemed to be warning enough hugs were imminent. Azusa really should have been used to it by now.

Despite her customary sighs and sounds of irritation, Azusa didn't really have a problem with Yui's love for skinship. Azusa's internal organs had even build up a sort of defense to Yui's affections; no longer did it feel like her lungs and stomach were being compacted into neat little cubes when Yui crushed Azusa's torso in a 'hug' that could have killed a grown man. Perhaps being hugged by Yui was a good thing. Azusa doubted she'd feel any pain anymore if somebody punched her in the stomach. That was a good thing, right?

However, Yui's affections were just a_ little_ bit embarrassing when they were taking place in front of all the girls in Yui's class. Azusa knew friends hugged each other all the time, and it was fairly normal, but even so…

"Azu-nyannomnom~"

"W-what are you doing?~"

"I'm om nomming on Azu-nyan~" Yui sang to herself, though a mouthful of pigtail.

...Okay, maybe friends didn't do things like _that._

Then again, Yui wasn't a normal 'friend'- namely because she wasn't a normal girl. Everybody knew that. Azusa saw, over Yui's shoulder, Nodoka giving her a sympathetic look. It was clear Nodoka wasn't going to help her, though. The look in her face clearly read 'I've put up with Yui most of my life. She's _your_ problem now.'

"Why are you trying to cannibalize my hair, Yui-senpai?" asked Azusa, trying to force the blush from her face through sheer willpower. Surprisingly, it worked quite well. Maybe because Azusa was so stubborn?

"Your hair smells of strawberries~ I wanted to see if it tasted like strawberries, too!" said Yui cheerfully.

"Um... Yui-senpai, you do know smell and taste don't necessarily go hand-in-hand, right?"

"Of course I know that!" said Yui, taking her arms round Azusa's middle. She was still smiling, and a few strands of brown hair were sticking up at funny angles from the force of tackle-glomp killer hug. "I mean, gasoline smells really good, but I think it's poisonous...?"

Azusa stared.

She should have been surprised at such an air-headed comment, but… well, given Yui was the one who'd said it, she wasn't.

Not really.

Maybe that was the truly worrying thing; even more worrying than Yui's serious contemplations about drinking gasoline.

"…Don't drink gasoline, Yui-senpai. That will kill you."

"I know that!" Yui said, pouting. "I'm not an idiot! I just... Well... Maybe..."

"No, seriously. Don't even joke about things like that; I can imagine you actually doing it."

"Aww~ Are you worrying about me, Azu-nyan?"

"Of course I am. If people didn't worry about you, I hate to think what would happen!" said Azusa.

Sometimes Azusa wished she was an anime character. Then her reactions could be more easily summed up with comic drops of sweat or visible veins. As it was, Azusa was only a human, so she could only glare and hope that transmitted her message well enough.

"It's a good job you have a reliable sister like Ui-chan," Azusa continued. "I hate to think what'd become of you without her."

"Oh, I'd probably be dead!" said Yui blithely.

"...I already told you not to make jokes like that."

Yui giggled, rubbing the back of her head with her hand in a sheepish motion. "Sorry, sorry! But I know you love me reeeally! Otherwise you wouldn't get so upset!"

Azusa's face flushed at this comment. So much for willpower, then. Azusa could fight back blushes if she really tried- but when Yui said things like that out of nowhere, it was a little difficult trying to remain aloof and unaffected; even for Azusa.

"I-I don't know what you're talking about-"

"Yeah you dooo~"

"N-no I don't…"

"You do~"

…Okay.

Azusa decided to end that ridiculous exchange then and there. Wasn't 'oh yes you do', 'oh no I don't' a little bit predictable? Azusa could feel her IQ going down the drain the longer she engaged Yui in that pointless argument. Besides, people were beginning to stare…

Azusa needed to change the subject.

What could she talk about? The weather? …No, that wouldn't hold Yui's short attention span long enough! What about something on the news? ...Pfft, yeah, like _that'd _work. Yui'd probably never seen a newspaper in her life. Knowing Yui, she'd try to wear it as a hat or something. What could Azusa talk about? What? Wha-

And then inspiration struck Azusa- hitting her over the head like a brick.

Azusa looked round the classroom, twin tails fluttering, before she finally asked-

"Where are Ritsu-senpai and the others?"

They weren't there. How hadn't she noticed?

Azusa felt the beginnings of guilt stir in her stomach. Was she a bad friend?

It wasn't that Azusa didn't care about them, quite the opposite- but when she was being assaulted by Yui, who'd been trying to prove the 'age-old' theory that Azusa's hair was edible and strawberry-flavored, it was a little difficult to think of anything else!

"I don't know where they are," said Yui.

"Weren't they in school?"

"I haven't seen them all day. Then again, I did get here pretty late... But they wouldn't have come to school just to leave again, right?" asked Yui, placing her thumb and forefinger under her chin in a 'thinking' pose. It didn't suit Yui. She looked like a small child trying to play detective.

Even so, despite the 'trying-to-be-intelligent-and-failing' expression on her face (honestly, Yui would find it easier convincing people she was a newt than convincing them she was an intellectual), Azusa agreed with what Yui had said.

"But Mio-senpai and Mugi-senpai aren't the type of people to skip school..." said Azusa hesitantly.

"I was thinking that too!" said Yui, nodding. "And Sawa-chan wasn't here either!"

Azusa's eyes widened at this. Four people that were connected to HTT had gone missing in the space of one day? Azusa knew Sawako wasn't all that reliable, but she tried to keep up her good-natured, well-mannered and organized front for the rest of her students, even though most of them could see through it by now. From what Mio had told her, Sawako was rarely late to homeroom, and she'd hadn't taken any days off sick. And then Mugi, Mio and Ritsu had- coincidentally- gone missing on the same day? They'd looked perfectly fine over the weekend. They couldn't _all_ have come down with some horrible disease in the space of one day, could they? But if there was some bug going round, then why had only people connected with the light music club gotten it?

...It didn't make any sense.

It didn't any sense at all.

And Azusa didn't like it.

Azusa generally didn't like things that made no sense. That was why she'd always hated Sailor Moon as a child. Funnily enough, the talking cat had been her biggest complaint. The magical girl transformations had been tame compared to **that **travesty of science.

Azusa had horrible memories of trying to teach the next door neighbor's cat how to talk, trying to coax it to say her name. When Azusa finally learnt Luna from Sailor Moon was all one big animated lie, she'd been quite disgruntled. All that hard work- wasted!

…It was strange how Azusa's five year old mind had operated.

"I got a text message from Ricchan halfway through first lesson, though," said Yui.

"Really?" asked Azusa, her eyes widening. "So did I!"

"Oooh~" said Yui, her voice becoming deeper, more ominous. "The plot thickens... I feel like a character in a detective drama! Like that Parrot guy…"

"I think you mean Poirot," Azusa corrected.

"Oh yeah, I like him too."

Azusa thought about correcting Yui again- but then she stopped. Was it really worth it? If Yui wanted to believe there existed a fictional detective in the world of TV and literature called 'Parrot', why crush her dreams?

"I hope we're _not_ in a detective drama," said Azusa, folding her arms.

"Why not, Azu-nyan?"

"Because in those shows people usually die."

"O-oh yeah. Heheh..." Yui gave a nervous laugh. "I didn't think about that. But I don't really want anybody to die..."

"Well, I don't think we should panic just yet," said Azusa, trying to keep her voice calm. "What did the message from Ritsu-senpai say?"

Yui shrugged. "I don't know."

"What do you mean, you don't know?"

"It doesn't make very much sense," said Yui, taking her cell phone from her pocket and flipping it open. "I thought Ricchan was trying to share an inside joke, but I didn't get it... It wasn't very funny. Not even to me. And I find most things funny…"

Azusa took Yui's phone from her and looked at the message Yui had brought up. As she did so Azusa's heartbeat seemed to speed up. Was the text message Ritsu had send Yui related to the one Azusa had received? Did it, too, say something about Kon-chan? Was there really something odd about that fish? Was it even a fish at all? Was Azusa being overly paranoid? Was Azusa ever going to stop asking herself these pointless questions and actually _look _at the damn text message?

The answer to the last one was yes.

Azusa wasn't sure how to answer her other questions, though.

The message read, quite simply: **KING KONG ATE MY OWL.**

...Azusa _stared._

She understood what the sentence meant- and yet, at the time, she didn't. Not at all. Was this some kind of joke? Azusa wouldn't put it past Ritsu- but usually Ritsu's jokes made some kind of sense. This…

This meant _nothing._

Ritsu might as well have smashed random keys on her phone to give Yui a message of: **fjkr9ui34r34.**

But no. Even '**fjkr9ui34r34**' would have made some sense, because it would have been obvious Ritsu was merely mashing keys for fun. **KING KONG ATE MY OWL, **however, _did _mean something… Or, at least, was supposed to mean something.

…Was Ritsu _drunk_?

"I got a message too," said Azusa slowly. "It said 'Kon-chan ate Mio'. But I don't see how the two are connected… Other than Ritsu-senpai is seeing strange visions of creatures eating other creatures…"

Yui, however, didn't look nearly so confused. Her eyes had lit up and, with a wide smile, she clapped her hands together.

"Oh!" said Yui. "I've got it! I have the answer!~ It's all falling into place…"

"What do you get?" asked Azusa, looking down at the text message again, just to double check whether it started making sense when she turned her head away. Nope- the words were still exactly the same, and just as puzzling as ever. **KING KONG ATE MY OWL.**

Azusa didn't know Ritsu _had_ an owl.

"Don't you see, Azu-nyan?" asked Yui, voice excited, as she took her cell phone back. "King Kong ate my owl. Kon-chan ate Mio. They're similar, right?"

Azusa blinked slowly. Once, twice, three times. Was she missing something here?

"It's simple!" Yui exclaimed, throwing her arms akimbo _and_ managing to draw the attention of half the students in the classroom at the same time. "It's clear example of _Predictive Text Strikes Again_!"

"But… Predictive text can't mangle messages _that_ badly, can they?"

"Oh, you'd be surprised, O Ye With Too Much Faith In Cell Phone Technology" said Yui, nodding her head knowledgably. She looked incredibly proud of herself- as though she'd just discovered gravity by having an apple fall on her head. "Many a time have I sent strange messages to people that I didn't really mean. My cell phone has a lot of fun turning 'Gitah' into 'gastritis'. Predictive text gets especially bad if you're rushing, though."

"So... You think Ritsu-senpai was texting you quickly?"

"Probably. You can't mess up _that_ bad unless you're an awful speller or you have really fat fingers or you're texting really really fast."

"Maybe Ritsu-senpai was panicking when she texted you," said Azusa thoughtfully, coiling a pigtail round one of her fingers as she thought. "Maybe something bad really did happen...?"

"I saw Tainaka-san and Akiyama-san this morning," said one of Yui's classmates helpfully. Azusa couldn't remember her full name- wasn't it something like Himeko?- but she was distinctive because of her pretty brownish-blonde hair. "I thought it was odd they weren't in any of their lessons this morning. I can understand Tainaka-san being a bit unruly, but not the others. It was odd, you know?"

Azusa frowned at this knowledge, her mind racing through various scenarios. Had something bad_ really_ happened? And... it seemed ridiculous, completely ridiculous, but had Kon-chan _really_... e-eaten Mio?

It seemed more likely than King Kong eating an owl, at any rate. An owl wouldn't have enough nutrition in it for such a large creature (not that the large part really mattered, considering it was a fictional creature).

"Yui-senpai," said Azusa, "this is bad."

Yui nodded. Her lips were pursed in an upside down 'V' shape of thought, and her eyes were uncharacteristically serious.

"Do you think we should check the club room?" asked Azusa.

"Yeah. Let's go."

Azusa turned, preparing to walk out of the classroom, when she stopped- but she didn't stop out of her own free will. Instead, she stopped because Yui's arms had- all of a sudden- encircled themselves around her waist.

"Y-yui-senpai? W-what are you doing?"

"I'm running low on my daily Azu-nyan intake!~ AND there's some horrible, scary mystery afoot!" Yui explained, using some strange Yui-logic completely separate from normal peoples' understanding of the world. "I need to recharge my energy levels with your healing aura!"

Azusa sighed.

At least Yui was still her usual, dependably, endearing idiotic self, no matter how dire the circumstances.

* * *

><p>When Azusa and Yui made their way to the club room they found, to their surprise, the door was unlocked.<p>

"Does that mean somebody's inside?" asked Azusa, looking between the club room door to Yui and back again.

Azusa had tried to stay strong, but it was getting slightly more difficult now they were away from the sounds of students chatting and eating. The hallways of Sakuragaoka were strangely deserted. It felt as though the classrooms were the only respites of rest in a cold, hard world- and Azusa's imagination was beginning to trip herself up as she thought of Ritsu's text message.

Azusa had thought Ritsu was playing a joke on her- but if it was a joke, why would Ritsu send a similar message to Yui? Yui was far less likely to lose her temper than Azusa. Azusa knew she had a short fuse- and, in comparison, Yui seemed to have no fuse at all. It would simply be no fun trying to play jokes on Yui because she wouldn't understand them, or she'd find them so hilarious she wouldn't care she was being teased anyway.

And Azusa had always thought there was something odd about Kon-chan...

The memory of Kon-chan's black, dead eyes wormed its way into her mind, making her shudder.

They still didn't know what sort of fish Kon-chan was, or whether it was truly a fish at all. W-what if-

"Well, we won't know unless we go in, right?" said Yui, giving Azusa small smile. "Don't worry, Azu-nyan, it'll be okay! If there are any aliens or monsters, I'll beat them all up! Then we can have cake."

"Is cake all you think about?" asked Azusa, sighing. Even so, she couldn't help but feel thankful for Yui's sunny personality. It was comforting.

"No, cake isn't alll I think about," said Yui, smiling cheekily. "I think about Gitah, too. And Mugi-chan's eyebrows! And Ui's cooking! Oh! And I think about you too, Azu-nyan~"

Azusa flushed slightly. "M-me?"

"Yes!~ You're so cute, just like the kitty I never had!"

"Why don't you get a real cat then?"

"…I'd be a horrible pet owner," said Yui, smiling. "In case you didn't notice, Azu-nyan~ Ui'd have to do all the work looking after it, and she does so much already that wouldn't be fair."

Azusa felt strangely touched by these sentiments, even though they weren't directed at her. "Huh. I guess even you can be selfless sometimes, Yui-senpai."

"Yay~ Azu-nyan complimented me! I'll cherish this moment forever!"

"W-well, don't take it too far…"

Giggling to herself, Yui reached forwards, her fingers taking hold of the door knob. She began to turn it- but, as soon as she did, Azusa jolted. It felt like she'd been hit with a bolt of electricity. It was worse than that, though.

Instead, Azusa had been hit by a memory.

Azusa reached forwards, taking hold of Yui's outstretched arms with her fingers.

Yui looked at Azusa curiously, her head cocked to one side like a curious sparrow. "What's wrong, Azu-nyan?"

"I-I just remembered something!" said Azusa, voice urgent. Azusa hated to think she was being the hysterical one whilst Yui was acting so calm and collected, but she couldn't help it. "Do you remember what the woman in the pet shop said to us?"

"Neru-chan?"

...Even in these suspicious circumstances, Azusa had to marvel at Yui's ability to add '-chan' suffixes to a) people she didn't know very well and b) people who obviously hated her. Yui just had a lot of love in her heart...

Or naïveté in her head.

Whatever- both worked.

"No, not Akita. I was talking about the pink-haired woman."

"The one who doesn't exist? Kon-chan's original mommy?"

"Yes, her," said Azusa. "She told us we had to feed Kon-chan every single day, didn't she?"

"I vaguely remember something along those lines..."

"Well, we didn't feed Kon-chan over the weekend!" said Azusa. "On Saturday we all went shopping, and on Sunday we were at your house, senpai- but I don't think we remembered to feed Kon-chan!"

Yui blinked at Azusa curiously, still resembling a sparrow. A messy-haired sparrow with wide eyes and yellow hair clips, but a sparrow all the same.

…Actually, the further Azusa tried to take that simile, the more and more erroneous she realized it was. Yui didn't have a beak, for one thing.

That would actually be terrifying. It was a good thing Yui _didn't_ have beak.

Yui smiled.

"It's okay, Azu-nyan. Fish can live for ages without food, even Kon-chans!~"

"B-but-"

"It'll be fine!~ I appreciate you're so worried about Kon-chan, but it's just one little mistake! I'm sure Kon-chan will forgive us if we just apologize! It won't happen again~ Besides, it's more important to find the others now, right? I don't like seeing you so worried."

Azusa tried to calm her rapid heart beat. She concentrated on breathing in, breathing out.

Then, slowly, with tremulous fingers, she dropped her hands from Yui's arm.

"Y-you're right, Yui-senpai."

Yui grinned. "That's the first time you've ever said that!~ It makes me feel all warm and fluttery inside- like I'm the smart big sister!"

"You are a big sister, Yui-senpai."

"Not necessarily a smart one, though."

Azusa smiled. "Well, I can't argue with that."

"I'm going to reinvent myself as a cool, brave girl starting right now!~ Whenever you have any problems you can just come running to me Hirasawa Yui will solve them!~ All of your worries can be solved with cake!"

"What about obesity?"

"Don't rain on my parade, Azu-nyan. Anyway- let's find the others and eat food! It'll be awesome, I promise!"

And, with that final promise, Yui's fingers turned the door knob-

And opened the door.

* * *

><p>"Ah~ Hello, Azusa-chan, Yui-chan. I've been waiting for you."<p>

Azusa blinked. Then, her eyes widened.

"M-mugi-senpai?"

True enough, sure as the sky was blue and the grass was green, Kotobuki Tsumugi was sat at the table at the back of the room. It was unmistakably Tsumugi, from the way her blonde hair curled about her beautiful face to her over-large eyebrows Yui had once described as being 'cuddly'. Nobody could look that effortlessly graceful in the Sakuragaoka uniform other than Tsumugi.

Mugi, true to her character, was holding an ornate teapot in her hands. From the teapot she was pouring tea (unsurprisingly enough) into equally ornate cups; the same cups that the members of HTT drank from, even though Azusa had always felt a little inadequate drinking from something that was probably worth more than half her house. The table was set for six people, and there was a large, circular slab of coconut cake on a plate in the center of the table.

Azusa could smell the cake from where she stood in the doorway, and it was heavenly- almost other worldly. Yui had been quite overcome by the sight of tea and cake, and had taken a seat opposite Mugi at the table faster than you could've said 'it's a trap!'

"Yay~ Tea and cakes!~" Yui sang, clapping her hands together. "You're so amazing, Mugi-chan!"

"Thank you," said Tsumugi, smiling pleasantly as she slid a cup of tea towards Yui. Then, turning towards Azusa- who was still stood in the doorway of the clubroom- Mugi said, "would you care to sit down, Azusa-chan?"

Mugi's words were polite enough- and yet, even so, Azusa found she couldn't sit down. She couldn't even move. She could only stand and stare.

There was something very, very wrong with this scenario.

And there was something very, very wrong about Tsumugi.

Mugi looked about the same as always, but there was something 'off' about her... Something almost _disturbing. _Her smile was warm, her eyes kind. She looked exactly the same as Kotobuki Tsumugi, down the very last eyelash and freckle and hair on her head. However...

Azusa shuddered.

She couldn't put her finger on it, but there was something odd about Mugi; almost as if she were a doll or robot, or a puppet being controlled by somebody else. A well-made fake operated from within by some hideous parasite...

But wasn't that the same with Kon-chan?

Kon-chan had always looked too intelligent to be a fish, too.

And this Mugi looked too… too 'something-inexplicable-but-still-definitely-there' to be Tsumugi, too. Azusa could hardly even call her 'Mugi' in her head, because that nickname implied closeness; but Azusa felt no closeness with the blonde-haired girl sat at the table.

"Azusa-chan?" asked Mugi, blinking at the twin-tailed girl imploringly. "Don't you want any tea or cake? I prepared it as a treat..."

"N-no, it's okay," Azusa said. It was a wonder she was able to speak at all; her throat felt horribly dry. "I-I'm not thirsty."

"Your voice sounds strained," said Mugi. "Are you sure you wouldn't like some tea? People say it has healing properties. I'm not sure if I can attest to that, but it might help~ Hehe~"

"N-no, really... I-it's fine..."

"You should sit down at least," Mugi said, gesturing towards a spare chair. "I would feel like a horrible host if you had to stand."

The faint chill of panic running up and down Azusa's spine became more intense, more pronounced, as 'Mugi' looked at her with those... curiously dead eyes. T-this Tsugumi was being rather insistent... But one word stuck out in Azusa's mind more than anything.

"H-host?"

Like a parasite?

"I'm the host of this tea party, of course," said Mugi, smiling.

…Of course.

But Tsumugi had never referred to herself as a 'host' before. She wasn't just the 'host' of the light music club's tea parties; she was their keyboardist and their friend, too.

There was nothing friendly about Tsumugi's smile, though.

"I-is that what you were doing all day?" Azusa managed to spit out, her fingers clenching into fists to hide the fact they were shaking. "You were sitting in the club room making _tea_?"

"Hmn?~" Mugi gave a small airy giggle and brushed a few strands of blonde hair out of her face. "Perhaps... Perhaps not."

That didn't sound like a very Tsumugi-like thing to say.

"M-mugi-senpai, you wouldn't skip class just to prepare tea and cake! That doesn't sound like you at all!" said Azusa. "Yui-senpai, don't you think that sounds a little strange?"

"There's nuthin' strange at all about this coconut cake~" said Yui, twisting her cake-encrusted fork between her fingers.

…So much for being a cool older sister. At this point, Yui looked more like a four year old at a birthday party who'd been served both jelly _and _ice-cream.

Azusa's left eye twitched. "Y-yui-senpai! Can't you take this a little more seriously? And Tsumugi-senpai, you shouldn't be so blasé about your education!"

"Is my education really all that important, though?" asked Tsumugi, still smiling that impenetrable little smile that Azusa couldn't quite bring herself to believe in. "It'll make no difference to me~ My family are rich; I'm going to succeed no matter what I do. Hehehe~"

"I can't believe you're saying something so irresponsible- especially to a girl like her!" said Azusa, stabbing a finger at Yui. "I thought you were meant to be mature?"

"Did you? Did you really think that, Azusa-chan?" asked Mugi. She was still smiling, but there was something acidic about her voice. Something subtly mocking.

"I'm not really all that mature~ I'm just a normal human being with faults and flaws," said Tsumugi.

Somehow, she sounded overly defensive when she called herself a 'normal human being'.

Was this Tsumugi actually some eldritch abomination made of moss with a gelatinous body?

"You don't know anything about me, Azusa-chan," Mugi continued, her voice pleasant, as though she were discussing the weather. "To you I'm just the girl who brings in the cake and tea, correct? You don't know anything about what I really think, and you don't care either~ Just so long as you get your tea and cake that's all that matters. Nobody cares about poor little Tsumugi-chan~~ Oh, how miserable! I could cry~ Hehehe~"

More laughter.

More shivers down the spine.

Inadvertently, Azusa took a few steps back- but she collided with the door handle, and a small burst of pain spread through her body.

"You don't care about me," said Mugi. Her voice was stony and cold- and yet, at the same time, unwaveringly polite. "You don't give a damn. All you care about is yourself, Azusa-chan. Selfish, selfish, selfish, selfish..."

The chant of 'selfish' began to sound like a maddened mantra; a chorus spoken by somebody whose mind was slowly unraveling.

It sounded like 'selfish' was the only concept Tsumugi could cling onto.

This...

This wasn't Tsumugi.

"Um... M-mugi-chan?" said Yui, voice concerned, as she reached across the table. "M-mugi-chan, are you-"

But, as Yui reached over- perhaps to lay a hand on Mugi's shoulder, or try to comfort her in some way- Yui's hand brushed against one of the teacups set out at the table. The teacup fell over so quickly Azusa didn't even see it- but she did see the droplets of surely-scalding tea spatter the table top... and Mugi's fingers.

"M-mugi-chan, I'm sorry!" Yui gabbled, taking a handful of tablecloth to dab clean Mugi's fingers. "I-I'm sorry, really, I-I... I... ..."

Then Yui stopped talking.

And, after a short pause...

She screamed.

She had every right to scream, too.

Because the fingers on Mugi's right hand- the hand had been stained with tea- had begun to disintegrate into a bubbling lump of charred flesh; her index finger falling off completely to land, with a splash, into Mugi's own cup of tea.

Half of Mugi's hand had melted. The bubbling mess of skin that remained had turned black, crumbling away like cinders- like wood being consumed by fire.

The tea had eaten straight through Mugi's fingers as though they were made of paper.

T-that wasn't a normal property humans possessed, right? Not even the elusive 'upper class' were built like _that_.

Funnily enough, the only thought running through Azusa's mind was, _that sucks. I guess she won't be able to play the keyboard anymore._

* * *

><p><strong>an: **cliffhangerrrr o:  
>What happened to Mugi-chan? What's going on? Will Azusa and Yui get to the heart of this mystery?<br>Guess you're gonna have to wait to find out ^_^;

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	8. In a burst of flesh the enemy appears!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Eight  
>'In a burst of flesh the final enemy appears!'<p>

* * *

><p>"M-mugi-chan...? W-what happened to your fingers?" said Yui. The horror evident in her face was undermined somewhat by the smear of coconut cake on her cheek, though.<p>

'Tsumugi', however, didn't respond. She didn't make any sound of pain, either. That was especially odd given her index finger had broken clean off her hand as though it were made of glass, and two of her other fingers had melted into a bubbling ooze of moldy black rot.

If that had happened to Azusa she would have screamed.

Or passed out.

Whichever came first.

"U-um..." Yui held the tablecloth in her shaking fingers, gripping it so tightly her knuckles went white. "A-azu-nyan... Do you think I should wipe the tea off Mugi-chan's fingers... or... um..." Yui frowned, hastening to correct herself, "w-what's left of them?"

"I... I don't think wiping the tea off will help now, Yui-senpai... S-she's barely got any fingers left…!"

Azusa was sure her eyes were wide as dinner plates. It was a wonder her eyeballs didn't fall straight out of their sockets, bouncing along the club room floor.

...That was a horrifying mental image.

Azusa quite liked her eyes where they were, thank you very much.

Then again, if Azusa's eyes had fallen out, that wouldn't have seemed _that _strange, given Mugi's right hand looked like a withered, blackened mess of charred skin and pus. Maybe, if Mugi's remaining fingers dropped off and Azusa's eyes fell out, Yui's head could become disengaged from her neck for a grand finale. Maybe this was 'free-spirited limbs disassociating themselves from the rest of your body!' day, and Azusa had never been given the memo.

Mugi was getting into the spirit of the celebration, though. She didn't even look like she _cared_ that her future as a musician had been ruined. Instead, Mugi surveyed her ravaged hand thoughtfully, as though she were contemplating a difficult math puzzle.

Azusa knew Mugi was polite and well-mannered, but she was taking it remarkably well. Under such circumstances, even people like Mugi had to right to scream themselves hoarse.

"D-does this mean HTT will need to find a new keyboardist?"

Well, at least Yui was worrying for the future of the band, even if Tsumugi wasn't.

"H-honestly, Mugi-chan, I didn't know your fingers would fall off if I spilt tea on you!" Yui gabbled, twisting the tablecloth round in her fingers and- subsequently- upending another cup of tea in the process. "I-I didn't know that would happen... D-do you have some sort of skin condition? O-or is it something rich people have because their lives are easier than ours and they don't need to use their hands as much?"

"Y-yui..." said Azusa.

Yui ignored her. She was far too disturbed to do anything other than babble.

"B-but you play the keyboard, Mugi-chan, so I guess you do use your fingers a lot... B-but if they were always that brittle wouldn't they snap off? I-is that why you can't play guitar? Would the strings destroy your fingers? Is that even possible? B-but I don't think it's strange or gross or anything, even if your fingers are all messed up and horrible now, because I'll support you no matter what-"

"Yui-senpai..."

"A-and, ooh, I know! We could start a charity! Like the 'donate to Mugi-chan' charity, and we could do bake sales to pay for your treatment and stuff! B-but I guess you're rich anyway so you wouldn't need us to help, but I've always wanted to organize a bake sale and Ui-chan can make awesome cake and-"

"Yui-senpai!"

Azusa's fearful shout _finally _managed to snap Yui out of her zombie-like trance. The words stopped flowing from her mouth, as though some great, ethereal being had just hit 'mute' on Hirasawa Yui. Yui's eyes, however, began to blink rapidly, until Azusa worried Yui was going to have a seizure.

"Yui-senpai, are you alright?" asked Azusa, rushing to Yui's side.

There was a small pause.

Then, Yui nodded.

It was a jerky, robotic motion. Her head went up once, then down- but Yui's frantically-blinking eyes never left the sight of 'Mugi's' face.

When Yui next spoke, her voice was in a choked whisper; "A-azu-nyan..."

"Yes, Yui-senpai?"

"Why is Mugi-chan melting?"

It was true. Previously, only Mugi's fingers had flaked away. Now, however, Tsumugi's whole body was going through the same hideous process. Tsumugi was shedding her skin as a snake would peel away its unneeded scales (the key difference here being Azusa was 100% certain humans needed all their skin on their bodies to _live_). Dead bits of Mugi's body began to tear away in bits and pieces, and then in large chunks, like lumpy vegetable soup. There was a horrible wet, sucking sound, like feet sinking into mud, as Mugi's skin landed on the floor, on her lap, on the table-top; some bits dropping into the half-filled teacup before Mugi until it was piled with lumps of dead flesh soaked in brown tea.

Mugi didn't move, didn't twitch, didn't tremble. Instead, she merely sat there, her hands on her lap, as her body dissolved like melting candle wax. Flesh ran down her face, drip drip dripping in a thick fluid, as one of her eyes rolled free from the socket with nothing to anchor it in place. As a pink slime of liquefied gums dribbled down Mugi's chin her teeth, too, fell out of her open mouth; caught up in a deluge of sticky, melted gum and lips and tongue. It had the same consistency of gooey cheese on top of a pizza.

There was more than the inside of her mouth and throat being expelled out of Mugi's mouth now, though. There was some horribly, viscous, black fluid- black vomit- that trickled down her chin, staining the front of her uniform/

Mugi didn't bleed. At least, she didn't bleed red. Instead, a putrid sluice of black foam (exactly the same as the black liquid dribbling from her mouth) bubbled out of the sores that cut across Mugi's body. The black liquid smelt of corpses and open graves and raw meat, and it shimmered under the lights of the club room like oil. This black sludge poured from Mugi's every orifice; her mouth, her nose, her empty eye socket- and it created enough pressure to push free her one remaining eye so that, too, fell onto the table, rolling across the wooden surface until it bumped against Yui's empty plate of coconut cake.

The decaying process reminded Azusa of a pointless video she'd seen on the internet once, which showed a watermelon turning to mold across two months- a lengthy process of decomposition which had been sped up to last twenty seconds.

Azusa was going to be sick.

She knew she was going to be sick.

However, the thought of adding 'eau de vomit' to the sickly fetor that already perforated the air was incentive enough for Azusa to clap her hands across her mouth and turn her head away. She was sure, if she was sick once, she wouldn't be able to stop, until all her bodily fluids had drained out of her mouth and spattered across the club room floor.

Azusa didn't want to look at Mugi, but she couldn't help it. It was like witnessing a train wreck, or a natural disaster- impossible to pull your eyes away.

After a few seconds Azusa began to notice something.

Mugi wasn't just falling apart.

It looked more like... there was some other _creature _lodged inside Tsumugi's body... that was _clawing its way out_. There was something buried deep inside Mugi's flesh that was trying to surface for air.

Something was trying to_ escape._

Mugi didn't seem to have any internal organs, either. She had flesh, but it looked like her whole body was comprised of that same _flesh _with little variation in the middle. Mugi had some bones for additional support and structure, but Azusa couldn't see any lungs or intestines or kidneys in the bubbling mess of black blood. Like her skin, Mugi's school uniform had begun to rot away, holes wearing across her stomach- exposing gaping holes that peppered Mugi's flesh and wouldn't stop leaking- but Azusa couldn't see any of the organs in there that were vital for human life.

Then, with a sickening _crunch_, Azusa saw it.

There was a hand.

A hand forcing itself out of Mugi's head.

Something was trying to claw its way out, like the stem of a flower pushing through the earth.

Then there was another _crunch, _lumps of flesh and more black tar slopping wetly down Mugi's sides, as the second arm tore its way through Mugi's ravaged left shoulder.

These two new hands- hands that had sprouted from inside Mugi's body- pawed the black-bloodied remnants of Mugi's body before they both latched onto random points of her skin. Then, like tearing open the wrapping of a chocolate bar, the two alien hands began to pull at Mugi's flesh, the fingers wrapping round her hair and pulling whole clumps free with ease. Mugi's hair began to fall out of her scalp, revealing a bald had that still keep oozing.

With a series of ripping, tearing noises, Mugi's face crumbled away, torn in two, as...

Another human being began to emerge from Mugi's remains.

It wormed its way out of Mugi's fallen-apart corpse as though it were tearing through a paper bag.

* * *

><p>"Ah, that's much better... I feel far more comfortable like this!~ Hehe~"<p>

Azusa and Yui stared. Mugi's remaining eye, still lodged against Yui's empty plate, also stared. It was the only part of Mugi's body which hadn't melted into black, foul-smelling tar and drained away (seemingly) into nothing.

The stench still lingered, though.

It smelt of mold growing on old, damp shower curtains.

The person who had clawed their way out of Mugi's body was definitely female. At first it had been hard to tell because their skin had been covered with Mugi's remains. However, when the girl wiped herself free of black ooze, the ghastly remnants of Tsumugi began to disappear as though they'd never existed at all.

The girl who had pulled Mugi's skin apart from the inside was, surprisingly enough, rather young. If Azusa had to fix an age to her, she would have guessed the girl was about twelve. She had very pale skin, black hair, and was attired- strangely enough- in a yukata.

The strangest thing about her- excepting the fact she'd been spawned from Mugi's stomach like something from _Alien_- was her eyes.

They were black.

Dead.

_Empty._

And also strangely familiar.

Azusa would have recognized those eyes anywhere. They'd haunted her dreams often enough.

"U-um..." 'um'ed Yui. Her face was ghostly pale, her whole body rigid, her eyes wide. Understandably, she was a teensy-tiny bit shocked- as she had every right to be. "W-who are you?"

"Me?" asked the pretty apparition, reaching up to fix her hair. "I think you already know who I am, Yui-chan~"

Azusa knew it had to be true- but, at the same time, it was so completely ridiculous (and ever so slightly INCREDIBLY horrific) she could hardly bring herself to say it.

"Don't tell me you don't know who I am," the girl said, pouting. "I'd be so hurt! Then again, human beings are all selfish creatures. They only care about themselves. Of course you wouldn't remember little old me..." Her black eyes narrowed. "Even though you did call yourself my 'mommy'. I'm so hurt! My own mother doesn't recognize me!"

Yui's eyes widened even further- if such a thing was possible. If they kept on getting any bigger, soon 80% of Yui's face would become purely ocular.

And that would be one the least horrific things Azusa had seen that day.

When Yui next spoke it came out in a soft, disbelieving whisper.

"K-kon-chan...?"

The girl smiled. "That's right!~ I don't have a real name... Or if I did, I've kind of forgotten it. So Kon-chan is as good as any." She pouted again. "Even if it is kind of stupid..."

"Hey, don't call your name stupid! I put a lot of thought into that!" Yui answered defensively, perhaps on autopilot. She was too surprise to respond in any normal way- i.e. screaming, or banging her head on the table and shouting 'what the hell's going on? It's useless, it's all useless!' at the heavens at alternating intervals.

"I see. If that's your idea of an 'original name', I pity for the fates of your future children (that is if yousurvivetohaveanychildren hehehe~). I really, really do." Kon-chan gave Yui a withering look, before turning her attention to Azusa. "It's nice to finally meet you face to face, Azusa-chan!"

"U-um..." Azusa tugged at one of her twin tails in distress. "I-isn't 'chan' a little over-familiar?"

"I don't think so. We've known each other for ages and ages! A whole month now, rii~ight?"

"But you were a fish for most of that time," said Azusa logically (what did 'logic' have to do with this situation anyway?)

"Kon-chan, how did you turn into a human? I've seen loads of fish before, but they never did that," said Yui.

Kon-chan smiled. "Oh you poor, gullible child~ I'm not just any normal fish. I thought that would have been fairly obvious by now."

"If you were paying any attention to us at all during the last month, Kon... san... you'd know Yui-senpai isn't the most observant person."

Azusa was startled to note just how easy it was talking to a parasitic human-fish that had wormed its way out of Mugi's cold, dead body (which, strangely enough, didn't have any internal organs and bled black... which, of course, led Azusa to believe that the 'Tsumugi' they'd spoken to had not, in fact, been 'Tsumugi' at all. Oh, there she was again, trying to apply 'logic' to an illogical situation- how cute!) However, Azusa knew when the full impact of this situation finally hit her, the world would explode from beneath her feet in a puff of logic.

Kon-chan giggled, patting down her straight-across bangs. The long sleeves of her traditional yukata fluttered gracefully.

"You're so cruel Azusa-san~ But I suppose you're right. Yui-chan isn't all that observant. Man." She sighed, rolling her eyes. "I guess I'll have to spell it out for you- who I am, what I'm doing here, what I want with you, yadda yadda yadda. This gets sooo boring after the, like, one thousandth time..."

"You mean you disguise yourself as an ugly fish, get people to adopt you as a 'pet', then reveal yourself to be an evil starfish alien inhabiting the body of a human girl with as-of-yet unexplained ulterior motives on a regular basis?" asked Azusa incredulously.

Kon-chan smiled. "Something like that. It's a long story."

"Whoa. And I thought I had a busy life dealing with Yui-senpai."

Yui frowned. "What do you mean, 'deal with', Azu-nyan? Are you saying I'm a burden?"

"I'm saying, on certain occasions, you can be a little bit annoying, yes."

"Kyah!" Yui wailed, grabbing hold of Azusa's middle and burying her face against Azusa's chest (not that there was anything there for Yui to bury her head in, though). "You're so mean, Azu-nyan!"

Kon-chan gave a small cough, making both Azusa and Yui cease their argument to look back at her.

…How had Azusa forgotten the evil starfish alien in the young girls' body?

Oh, right.

She was trying to blot it out of her mind altogether because it made _no sense._

"A-anyway," said Kon-chan, smiling, "as I was saying... I am not a fish. Neither am I a human, as Azusa-chan rightly guessed. I'm not really sure if I'm an 'alien' either, though. I… Have no idea. I've lived for so very long I must have forgotten along the way..."

"You don't even know what species you are?" asked Azusa incredulously. "You're worse than Yui-senpai. She may be an airhead, but she at least knows she's a _human_."

"You look like a twelve year old girl to me," said Yui.

"Appearances are deceiving. This isn't my real body. This," Kon-chan gestured towards her 'cute' (soulless eyes not withstanding) face with an elegant movement of her arm, "is merely my favorite body at the moment. But I have about... twenty-two corpses I like to cycle through when the mood hits. Twenty-two cute ones, at least. Hehe~ I guess I can add Mugi-chan and the others to my extensive repertoire now."

At this, Azusa's face blanched. "W-what do you mean...?"

"All in good time~" said Kon-chan, whom Azusa was now really beginning to loathe (and just because of her 'unconventional' introduction). "Let's see... Um. It may surprise you to hear this, but I'm a shape shifter. At least, that's what humans call it. I probably have some incredibly beautiful name given to me by my people, but as I can't remember who my people are or why I exist, or even what I really am, I suppose that doesn't matter. For arguments' sake, call me a shape shifter."

"Like ditto?" asked Yui excitedly.

Kon-chan sighed. "Comparing me- an ageless beauty- to a _Pokémon _is a little insulting."

"Why would it be insulting?" asked Yui, tilting her head to one side. "Dittos are _cool_. They're so pink and squishy!"

"I... I suppose if it makes it easier for you to understand, you can liken me to a..." Kon-chan scowled. "To a _ditto_."

"Yay!~ Ditto-chan!"

"Once Yui-senpai has decided on something she doesn't change her mind, no matter how ridiculous it is. She's incredibly stubborn," Azusa explained. "I will forever be Azu-nyan to her."

"U-um, well..." Kon-chan frowned. "I must say, you're taking this rather well. At least, better than other people usually do… One time I revealed myself to be a shape shifter, and a rather unfriendly human tried to stab me in the face."

"We're not really the face-stabbing type," said Azusa. "But don't worry. When Yui-senpai and I realize what's happening I'm sure we'll both start screaming like everybody else."

"Ditto-chan is so cute..."

Azusa blinked slowly.

"Or... Or maybe Yui-senpai is perfectly okay with this. I really have no idea."

Had the tea 'Mugi' gave Yui been laced with Prozac? Azusa would have been inclined to believe this, if she hadn't already known Yui was that weird _all the time. _Maybe she'd been dropped on her head at birth...

Hirasawa Yui: in the face of an alien invasion, she'll just sit there and talk about video games. Truly, she is a miracle of modern science. Perhaps even more so than the aliens.

"Well... U-um, let's see... where was I? Oh yes!~" said Kon-chan, beaming. "I can't merely shift my form depending on my mood. To shape shift, I have to ingest the flesh of the person whose form I want to assume~ It doesn't have to be a lot, but the more of the person I eat, the stronger that form is."

It took a few moments for the full impact of that terrible truth to hit Azusa.

When it finally did, though, she felt like being sick.

Again.

…Azusa was tired of feeling so nauseous all the time. Wasn't variety the spice of life?

"Y-you... Y-you ate Mugi-senpai?"

"Not that much of her. Only a teensy tiny bit," said Kon-chan, measuring out a very small amount with her thumb and forefinger. "Like this much? I barely left a mark. That was why my Mugi-chan form was so pitifully weak. Dissolving upon contact with tea? _**Really?**_ This form I'm assuming now is much stronger than that, though, so don't try and pour tea on me when I'm like this. It won't kill it. I'll just piss me off~ And you won't like me when I'm angry~~"

"T-then... if you only a-ate a little..." Azusa could hardly say 'ate'- the implications were too horrible. "T-then is Mugi-senpai alright?"

"She's fine. Well… As fine as you can be when somebody's taken a bite out of your clavicle. Which is actually quite fine. Human beings are surprisingly resilient as long as you don't go for any major arteries or veins. The more you know, huh?"

Azusa wasn't really in the mood for a biology lesson from a carnivorous twelve year old who, quite cheerfully, had admitted to eating Mugi.

"Where is she? Tell me where Mugi-senpai and the others are!"

"That's not important right now!" said Kon-chan, folding 'her' (was it a her…?) arms and pouting. "Don't you want to hear more about_** me**_?"

"Not really..."

"Well, I don't care! I'm telling you anyway!"

"I thought you said giving speeches like this was a pain, Ditto-chan?" said Yui.

Kon-chan sighed. "It is, but I need to get all this Q and A stuff over with, or you'll start complaining that I didn't give you all the facts and I hate whiney humans. ANYWAY~ I've been alive for so long and taken on so many forms I can't remember my original appearance at all," Kon-chan continued to explain, the small half-smile never flickering from 'her' pale face. "In the beginning I tried to blend in with the other humans, but sooner or later they would realize what I was... And then they'd drive me away. Even when I didn't do anything wrong. But they tried to hurt me… They didn't like me. Demon, demon, demon, I'm not a demon, not at first I didn't do anything bad just because I'm different you don't like me and I didn't even eat that many people anyway heheheh…"

Kon-chan's black eyes narrowed, and 'she' began to chant a strange, half-crazed mantra under 'her' breath; "Selfish, selfish, selfish..."

Azusa felt herself shiver.

There was something wrong with Kon-chan; something even more disturbed than its questionable age, gender, species or origin. There was something missing from its brain; some integral feature that made human beings 'human' and capable of rational thought and empathy. But Kon-chan wasn't really human at all, despite its innocent appearance.

Its eyes were dead like a corpses'.

No- not just 'like' a corpse.

The body sat opposite Yui _was_ a corpse. It was the pale, ghostly skin of some long-dead human being worn like a cloak by a horrible monster; a monster far more hideous than any of the forms it had ever taken.

Maybe that was why 'Kon-chan' was a shape shifter.

It was so hideous it couldn't stand to look at itself- so it had tried to forget.

Azusa trembled.

The dead girl sat across the table didn't notice, didn't care. Kon-chan was too busy working itself up into a state of demented hysteria- and yet the look in its black eyes never once changed.

"All human beings are selfish! They only care about themselves! I learnt this when the humans drove me out of my home, hunted me down, called me a monster... B-but then I realized... Heh... Hehehe..." Kon-chan began to giggle softly, its corpse-colored fingers grabbing at handfuls of its own black hair. Kon-chan was rocking backwards and forwards, seized by an insanity brought about by eons of hate upon hate upon hate that Azusa could not even begin to contemplate. It was another display of decay similar to 'Mugi's', but this gradual demise was sweeping across Kon-chan's mind, not body (but Azusa was sure Kon-chan's head was slowly filling up with more black sludge). "I-I realized that I-I shouldn't be the one who suffers! I-I never hurt anybody for fun, I-I only did it to survive... B-but humans hurt each other needlessly, over and over again, by being selfishselfishselfishselfish... Hehehe... A-and... A-and I only learnt this when I banded together with other eternal creatures like myself..."

Other eternal creatures?

An image flashed through Azusa's mind. The pink-haired woman. The woman who, according to Akita, didn't exist. Was she a monster similar to Kon-chan?

"W-well... T-that's another story altogether. B-but we decided we would wipe out the unworthy, useless, selfish humans one after the other and make this world a better place~" Kon-chan said, its voice light and sing-song, as its pale fingers continued to twist at the roots of its own hair. "O-of course, we were fair about it. Not all humans are cruel. S-so Miss Megurine and I had a plan. I would transform and watch over you humans from afar as something inconspicuous, like a pet fish... A-an ugly fish- because human beings don't like ugly things; it's easier to see how corrupt people are when you take the form of something unattractive… A-and when you humans slip up around me, fail your test, prove how selfish you are and show your true colors... Hehehe... Can you guess what I do ne~xt~?"

Azusa and Yui didn't reply. They couldn't.

Kon-chan smirked.

Then, in a sudden jerking movement, Kon-chan tore its fingers away from its head. It took most of its hair with it. Strands of black hair, huge clumps, came away from the scalp, with such violence Azusa winced. It felt as if her own scalp was on fire- but Kon-chan didn't appear to feel any pain. The smile on those painted-on, dead lips didn't falter, like a Noh mask.

"I'd _kill them. _I-isn't that funny? Hehe... Hehehe..." Kon-chan giggled with the voice of a young girl. "T-the least you humans could die is die for me, after all you've put me through..."

"What do you mean, after all we've put you through? You've got persecution mania!" Azusa retorted, her eyes narrowing. "_We_ haven't done anything to you!"

"You **have**," Kon-chan shot back bitterly. "Don't lie! You have! ~"

"W-what... W-what are you talking about, Ditto-chan...? Azu-nyan's nice, she wouldn't hurt anyone…"

"That's a LIE! I see the way you looked at me," said Kon-chan, its voice suddenly becoming darker, lower. The previous note of hysteria was gone, even though it still held its own hair in its hands. "Azusa-chan... You thought I was disgusting. I saw it in your eyes~ Because I didn't take on a pretty form you despised me. So selfish, so shallow... And I thought you might be different, Yui-chan. But you're so lazy! You don't care about anything but cake. But... you humans are all the same anyway. And, in the end... You all forgot about me. You forgot about me altogether. You couldn't be bothered to keep feeding me… So it's only fair I feed on you now, right? You failed the test!~ Gyahaha!~"

Then, dissolving into a fit of helpless giggles that would've torn the throat of a normal human being, Kon-chan's body began to distort once more. The overall effect reminded Azusa of a sock being pulled inside out, as- from Kon-chan's open mouth- a sudden surge of black vomit and white, writhing fingers (they looked like maggots fat bloated distended maggots) began to emerge.

Kon-chan's skin wsd dissolving into black gunge and peeling off bone, as the mouth stretched open wider and wider and wider like a snake's, not bound by normal human anatomy, until that gaping smile acted like a zip that almost seemed to slice the top of Kon-chan's head off.

Three bodies were forcing their way out of Kon-chan's original body.

The terrible thing was, Azusa recognized them.

Mio.

Ritsu.

And Sawako.

All three of them began to talk in unison; an amalgamation of three voices that seemed to echo through the club room, making Azusa shudder.

"But I'm not totally unreasonable! If you defeat me, maybe I'll let you have your friends back... Like there's any chance of THAT happening!"

Azusa could only watch in abject terror as the three pale-skinned corpses shredded their way through Kon-chan's old body.

It was a fucking good thing the real Mio wasn't there to see this.

Things like that could _scar_ someone.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Kon-chaannn :D  
>My first 'original character' in this fic. I hope heshe/it doesn't dominate the fic too much, but Kon-chan is the main villain... ^_^;

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	9. It's time for an all out attack!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Nine  
>'It's time for an all-out attack!'<p>

* * *

><p>Azusa stared at the three pale, dead-eyed corpses that had pushed their way out of Kon-chan's much-too-small twelve year old body. They bore the unmistakable appearances of Sawako, Ritsu and Mio. However, physical appearance meant little now. Not when Azusa knew what lurked beyond those 'friendly' faces.<p>

Kon-chan was a monster who wore other people's skins.

A monster that wanted her and Yui dead- all because they'd forgotten to feed the damn fish _once._

Could anybody say 'disproportionate retribution'?

Azusa couldn't.

Her mind had completely frozen. She could hardly even remember how to say her own name.

The knowledge that her impeding death was close at hand was enough, however, to spur Azusa into action.

"U-um... okay..." said Azusa.

Immediately after she spoke, she winced. 'Okay' wasn't a fitting thing to say in the face of an alien invasion! Then again, Azusa had never exactly sat down to learn stock phrases for situations like this because she'd never have believed it could really happen.

Azusa's mouth felt numb. Talking was more difficult than it should've been. Her head was curiously empty, too. All of the shock from the past few minutes had hollowed out her skull rather nicely.

_Huh. I wonder if this is what stupid people feel like._

_Maybe I should ask Yui-senpai._

Azusa frowned at this cynical thought.

_...That was mean._

"I-it was nice talking to you and all, Kon-chan… You're a great orator, really!" said Azusa, bowing her head, "but Yui-senpai and I really have to go now..."

Azusa took hold of Yui's arm and tried to pull her senpai to her feet. Yui was immobile. The shock of seeing Kon-chan morph into Sawako, Mio and Ritsu must have- finally- taken a toll on her.

It was all up to Azusa now.

It was nice to know Yui was completely unreliable no matter what the situation was.

Somehow, with strength she didn't even know she possessed, Azusa managed to get Yui into a standing position. Yui didn't have enough energy to stand unsupported, though. Like a withered bean sprout that had grown too tall, Yui had to lean heavily against Azusa for support.

Right.

Now operation 'get Yui-senpai to her feet' had been completed, Azusa had to move on to her next mission.

Getting out of there _alive._

Azusa needed to get them to the door. It was still unlocked, wasn't it? They could run away and then form a plan of action! That was what she'd do! It was so simple.

Or at least, it _would _have been simple- if Yui didn't weigh so much.

Yui was skinny like a twig- it didn't make any sense that she should be so heavy. Then again, maybe Azusa's arms were just weak; shaking from fear. It was probably the affects of concentrated adrenalin and fear.

Azusa's heartbeat was hammering so wildly she felt as if she was going to vomit it out of her mouth, and her fingers were so numb they could have fallen off and she wouldn't even have realized. Struggling along to the clubroom door, three nightmarish monsters behind her, whilst supporting a near-comatose Hirasawa Yui with feeling-less fingers and legs that felt like they were going to splinter into matchwood wasn't really on Azusa's 'most fun things in the world to do' list.

_I'm sure I'll look back on this and laugh, _Azusa thought grimly. _It'll be a story to tell my grandkids._

…_Yeah, right._

_Like they'd believe me._

_Oh, who am I kidding._

_If I survive this it's not like I'll be able to tell anyone. If somebody told me _their _pet goldfish turned out to be an alien spy from beyond the stars I'd be just a _liiittle _bit skeptical, too._

Thinking soon began to get depressing so Azusa forced herself to concentrate on one phrase and one phrase only. After a few seconds of mental conditioning, soon the only thought running through Azusa's head was, _we have to get out of here we have to get out of here..._

It was startling how easy mind control was.

Of course, Azusa wanted to save her fellow members of HTT and Sawako, too, but that would be a little difficult if her head was no longer attached to the rest of her body. Azusa had no doubts that the_ lovely_ trio of nightmare visions could easily tear her apart with their long, spindly fingers.

Escape was the top priority.

Everything else came after.

Azusa was nearly at the door. She stretched out of her arm- just a few more inches... W-why did the doorknob suddenly seem so far away? Y-yui was so heavy... She really needed to cut down on the cakes.

_'I don't gain any weight'_, huh?

Ha!

When Azusa got out of this closed-off corner of insanity she was going to put Yui on a diet.

S-she was so close-

J-just a little more-

Her fingers brushed the doorknob-

And then...

"_Where do you think __**you're**__ going?"_

Well, of course, after building all that suspense, something bad had to happen.

That was just the way of the world.

The ghastly wail forced itself out of three throats- Mio's, Ritsu's and Sawako's. The horrible cacophony was spoken in perfect unison, using the exact same voices Azusa would have attributed to each of those people... but it was horribly distorted. There was an undercurrent of malevolence in there; something that made the flesh prickle and the blood run cold.

Azusa didn't have long to evaluate the hellish quality of these voices, however, because-

"Kyah!"

-Azusa felt a cold, clammy hand grab her by her throat.

_Crunch!_

Azusa winced as her head smacked against the wall. Azusa wondered whether the impact of her head meeting the wall would leave a dent. If it did would the light music club have to pay for it? What is Kon-chan's zombie/alien/unspecified revenge on humanity trashed the whole club room?

Who was going to have to pay for that?

It was strange, the things you thought about when you were being asphyxiated.

…Why were Azusa's dying thoughts all about money?

Icy fingers wrapped round Azusa's throat, pressing her against the wall. Her feet didn't even touch the floor- just like somebody being hung from the gallows with a length of rope round their neck.

A sticky wet substance was leaking from Azusa's scalp, gumming her hair together in clumps. The scent of blood completely overpowered the fragrance of strawberry shampoo that Azusa usually put in her hair.

Azusa blinked, her eyes tearing up, distorting the eerily blank face before her. It was Sawako who held Azusa by the throat, slowing choking the life from the twin-tailed guitarist. Azusa could see, just beyond her teacher's shoulder, zombie Ritsu backing Yui into a corner, whilst zombie Mio locked the club room door and then... proceeded to swallow the key. Zombie Mio's tongue seemed to uncoil itself from her mouth, wrapping around the key with more control and dexterity than normal humans had, before she dragged it down into the dark cavern of her mouth.

...That wasn't fair.

How were they going to escape now?

Maybe Azusa would die first. Then she wouldn't have to worry about that.

Azusa gave a choked gasp as zombie Sawako's fingers applied more pressure to her windpipe, crushing it like a straw. Azusa tried to kick out, tried to escape- but she didn't have enough energy. The few times her feet did make contact with Sawako's middle they had no effect at all. Azusa's attempts at resistance were so pathetic Azusa soon stopped out of embarrassment (and, perhaps more significantly, lack of oxygen).

Zombie Sawako was laughing at her.

Azusa had heard once, when human beings were asphyxiated, the blood vessels in their eyes burst. Was that true? Was it a rumor? But, regardless of whether it was factual or not, Azusa began to feel a horrible burning at the back of her eyes, as though something was trying to force its way out of her sockets.

Azusa felt sick, too, and she wondered, if she tried to be physically sick, would Sawako's impossibly strong grip on her windpipe halt the flow of vomit? Would it all get clogged up in her esophagus? Would she choke to death on her own-

W-well…

Azusa didn't even want to think about that.

It would be a rather undignified way to die.

Oh well.

She was going to die anyway- the actual mechanics of it didn't matter too much. Azusa didn't want the sight of Sawako's dead, blank eyes to be the memory she carried with her to the grave, though. It was probably meaningless, but Azusa wanted to choke to death remembering happy things.

The first time she played a guitar.

The first time she saw HTT play, when she was just a first year in the crowd watching them with awe-filled eyes.

The numerous times she sat with the light music club (no, not just members of a club- her _friends_) drinking tea and eating cakes...

Those were happier times. A-and even if experiencing those happy times meant Azusa would, inevitably, meet her death at the hands of a shape-shifting goldfish with serious mental problems, Azusa wouldn't have changed a single thing. If this pain was something she had to endure for having such a blessed life so far, she'd take it.

Just so long as she had her memories.

Azusa's eyelids flickered closed.

_It was fun being able to play the guitar with you, Yui-senpai... I enjoyed... n-no, I _loved _being with all of you._

_You all meant so much to me._

_I'm sorry it had to turn out this way. I wish I could've done something to help you. But maybe we can be together as... corpses?_

_It's not what I was hoping for when I said we could 'be together forever', but..._

_B-but-_

_I..._

_I-_

**"Hey!"**

Azusa's eyes snapped open.

_Damnit, Yui- spoiling my sentimental last moments!_

…_Wait, what?_

"That's **my **Azu-nyan! Get your own!"

Azusa stared, eyes wide, to see Yui, her hair disordered (where had her clips gone? Had zombie Ritsu tried to eat them?) and clothes rumpled, hauling a guitar over her shoulder-

(That looked pretty dangerous, a definite 'don't do this at home' moment)

-and then Yui swung the guitar, with a resounding _**swssh **_as it cut through the air.

And an even louder _**crunch **_as it hit Sawako in the face.

Sawako let go of Azusa immediately, the twin-tailed guitarist falling to floor in an ungainly pile of arms and legs. The sudden influx of air into Azusa's empty lungs made her feel light-headed, and for a few moments she couldn't do anything but quiver on the floor. It felt like her throat was burning, and Azusa knew- before her trembling fingers pressed against the irritated skin- that she now had a very fetching series of bruises peppering her skin.

Maybe that would make her look 'cool', like a delinquent.

Zombie Sawako staggered slightly as the guitar crashed into her face. With the force Yui had swung it, that would've smashed open the skull of a normal person, killing them on impact.

Sawako wasn't a 'normal' person, though.

Not this one.

(Then again, even the real Sawako wasn't all that 'normal'.)

The crushing blow broke Sawako's nose- that much was obvious by the way it was twisted to one side, swelling upon impact. At the same time half of Sawako's face sunk itself until there was a visible dent in her head, like a crater on the moon. It looked like her jaw had been dislocated, too.

That should have been fatal. Azusa had very limited medical knowledge, but she knew that much.

It wasn't to Sawako, though.

Within seconds Sawako's face had reformed itself, as though somebody had taped Yui hitting her with the guitar and then put it in reverse. Her nose slid back into place with another unhealthy-sounding crunch. The only visible sign that Sawako had been hit at all was the black blood leaking from her nostril, but she wiped it away with the sleeve of her cardigan.

It was strange to think a basic household commodity like _tea_ had dissolved the flesh of the zombie Mugi, but the zombie Sawako had been able to shake off a fatal blow to the center of her face like it was nothing.

Zombies were difficult to understand. Why couldn't they operate under human logic?

In the background, just beyond zombie Sawako, zombie Mio had- apparently- decided she wanted to join in the fun. She was walking towards Yui and Azusa, moving very gracefully, as was per custom.

Zombie Ritsu, however, was crouched on the floor, on her knees.

Oh, and she was missing the top part of her head.

The remnants of her jaw were still attached to Ritsu's neck; rows of teeth and her tongue clearly visible to Azusa. Black bile was running down Ritsu's chin; the same black bile that stuck to Yui's guitar. The top of her head, however, was missing.

It looked like Sawako wasn't the first victim of Yui's mad baseball without a baseball bat skills.

...The guitar Yui was holding didn't look very much like Yui's Gitah, though.

Azusa hadn't noticed it at first, being too busy trying to re-teach her body how to breathe, but the guitar Yui was holding looked an _awful _lot like Azusa's beloved Fender Mustang.

It was an exact replica, in fact.

"Y-yui-senpai..."

"It's alright, Azu-nyan!" said Yui, standing between Azusa and the oncoming zombies. "You can thank me for saving your life later!"

"N-no... it's not that... U-um..." Azusa pondered, realizing- all of a sudden- how horribly selfish her question sounded. 'Yeah, thanks for saving me and all, but did you really have to mess up _my _guitar?'

_Smoooth._

"I-it doesn't matter," said Azusa, flushing slightly. She couldn't get angry with Yui when she'd just saved her life.

She could get angry at Yui later, when the chance of them dying had been greatly reduced.

"Yui-chan, you're so heartless," said zombie Mio- or, to be more precise, the horrible monster speaking with Mio's voice and Mio's mouth. "How could you hurt us like this? Aren't we your friends? Or do you really only care about yourself?"

Yui's teeth grit together. Her grip on Azusa's guitar tightened.

Then- just as zombie Mio got a little too close for comfort- Yui swung back the guitar-

"You're not Mio-chan! Mio-chan _hates _violence! She'd be totally sick if I did this!"

-and smacked it against Mio's head.

…Well, that was an interesting way to argue a point.

Azusa had to wince and look away. She couldn't stand to watch. Even though the Akiyama Mio with the pale skin and dead eyes wasn't the real Mio, Azusa couldn't quite force her brain to distinguish the two.

The girl Yui hit with the guitar simply looked too much like Azusa's revered, beloved upperclassman.

The blow Yui dealt the zombie Mio made her stagger backwards. Like Sawako, Mio's head caved in on itself. Mio, however, seemed a littler more embarrassed about her injuries, and placed her hands to her face. It didn't really help. Soupy black goo oozed between her pale fingers, like sauce being squeezed through the prongs of a fork.

But it wasn't a fatal wound.

When Mio drew her hands away from her face, her skin and bone were already knitting together. The hole in her face filled out as though it had never been there at all.

"It's not doing enough damage!" said Azusa. "T-they're not like us... W-what if we can't kill them?"

Yui's hair was plastered to her face, sleek with black blood, and more splotches of it were spattered across her cheeks and uniform and- of course- Azusa's beloved Fender. Yui was breathing heavily, her body doubled over as though she'd just run a marathon- but her grip on the guitar didn't slacken.

Azusa wondered how much longer Yui could keep on swinging it before it snapped in two.

It'd be fun trying to explain that to her parents.

"Azu-nyan, listen to me!" said Yui, her voice more authoritative than Azusa had ever heard it before. "Go and grab Mugi-chan's teapot!"

"T-teapot...?"

"They're weak against tea! It's super effective!" said Yui. She sounded more serious than she had any right to, given she was spouting Pokemon terminology as though it were real science. "Then we can stop Ditto-chan from hurting anybody else!"

Azusa was so surprised Hirasawa Yui was thinking logically she actually had to pinch herself. Somehow, that was _more_ bizarre than the shape-shifting demon fish from outer space. Once Azusa had finally regained her sense, however (it still wasn't a dream), she nodded.

"Okay, Yui-senpai! I'll do my best!"

"Go on then, soldier Azu-nyan!" said Yui, turning to Azusa a small salute and her usual cheery grin. "I'm putting all my faith in you!"

"Y-yes!"

"And remember... If we both die, you won't be able to punish me for ruining your guitar!~ I always wanted to smash up a guitar like people do at the end of rock concerts, though... This is like a dream come true!" said Yui. Her voice adapted the same dreamy quality as Mugi's did when she spoke about how 'beautiful and pure girls' love is'.

If Azusa had been an anime character, she would have sweat dropped at that.

"_Y-yui_..." said Azusa, her voice very cold and wintry. "Are you telling me you decided to _smash up my guitar on purpose _because you always wanted to _see what it was like_?"

"Well, I didn't want to hurt Gitah!"

"But it's okay to destroy my Fender?"

"... ...Well, I_ did_ save your life."

Azusa sighed. "Point taken."

How the hell were you meant to argue against something like that, anyway?

Azusa had a horrible feeling Yui could hold this over her for the rest of her life. Any time Azusa suggested they practice now, Yui would just whip out the 'I did save your life once' card, and Azusa would have to do whatever she said.

That sucked.

It would've sucked even more to be dead, though, so Azusa decided to be thankful for what she had.

She was thankful really.

Azusa just liked complaining about things.

Azusa got to her feet. She swayed drunkenly, feeling off balance, like a cat whose tail had been cut off. More blood was leaking from the wound of her scalp.

Urgh.

She desperately wanted a shower.

"Azu-nyan! Before you go, take this," said Yui, bending down to... pull something out of her sock? What did Yui store in her socks? Cake?

No, that would have been disgusting, even for Yui.

It was a drum stick.

Yui had- presumably at the same time she'd taken Azusa's Fender- stolen one of Ritsu's drum sticks; a back up weapon to use in case the guitar splintered in two.

"I've got the other one in my other sock," said Yui proudly, proffering it to Azusa. "You can use this one to defend yourself!"

At this point zombie Sawako began to get a little too close for comfort- and, with a quick "sorry, sensei! Azu-nyan and me are talking!", Yui swung her (correction: Azusa's) guitar back and hit Sawako in the stomach, staggering her.

Azusa blinked at this sight with confusion, before shrugging.

"...Okay," said Azusa slowly, reaching out to accept the 'deadly weapon'. She remained apprehensive, though. How much damage could a piece of wood do to zombies with bodies made of marble? It felt a little bit like trying to defeat Godzilla with a toothpick.

In most video games, didn't you get given firearms and explosives?

However, the thought of Hirasawa Yui possessing anything that could explode was terrifying- simply terrifying. Maybe it was best their arsenal of weaponry had been reduced to drum sticks and guitars, then. At least they weren't likely to go _boom._

Shrugging, Azusa gripped the drum stick in her hand, and then began to run.

With a sudden burst of speed that could've secured Azusa a place on the track team, the twin-tailed guitarist dashed to the table in the back of the room. Azusa's footsteps fell against the floor rapidly, beating along in time with her frantic heartbeat. Her breaths came out in short, sharp gasps.

Azusa was nearly there- just a few more inches- when-

"Ow!"

Azusa felt a hand grab hold of her head from behind, pushing her against the floor.

This theme of very-nearly-but-not-quite reaching her destination was beginning to get annoying.

And painful.

Azusa's body twisted in mid-air as she fell, her twin tails swishing gracefully through the air. She landed on her back, her head banging against the floor so she saw stars; whole galaxies exploding before her eyes in a burst of white hot pain.

The drum stick flew out of Azusa's lax grip, landing on the floor a few inches away from Azusa's body with a _tok!_

When Azusa's vision stopped swimming around, Azusa realized she was being pinned down by zombie Ritsu. Apparently Ritsu had managed to find the upper part of her head after Yui had oh-so-cruelly knocked it off, because it was now firmly connected with her jaw.

Ritsu's headband had fallen off, her bangs hanging in front of her face like pond weed. That was a comfort; Azusa didn't want to look at 'Ritsu's' dead, empty eyes.

Ritsu's fingers curled round Azusa's wrists with the strength of iron. Azusa might as well have been nailed to the floor. She couldn't budge an inch.

"_I won't let you get away this time~" _said zombie Ritsu, the words forcing themselves from her throat in a broken, scratchy mess. The monster was speaking with Ritsu's voice, but it was intermixed with other cadences Azusa had never heard before. She supposed the ghostly, echoing chorus accompanying Ritsu's words were the residue 'voices' of the other poor people Kon-chan had eaten.

Her whole body shuddering, Ritsu's mouth then went through a horrible transformation sequence. Bones clicked as Ritsu's jaw dislocated itself, her mouth gaping open far wider than a normal human's could have. Soon that mouth became so large Azusa could have fit her whole fist into it. It seemed to eat up half of Ritsu's face, like an ever-expanding black hole, sucking in everything foolish enough to get in the way.

Ritsu dipped her head, her cavernous mouth threatening to fall off her face. Her teeth glistened like bits of glass- and Azusa knew, at that moment, Ritsu intended to tear out her throat. She could probably bite through Azusa's neck completely, severing head from the shoulders, with two bites- but Azusa would probably die of the shock the moment those sharp teeth began to strip flesh away and opened up her blood vessels to the rest of the world...

Azusa's heart hammered so quickly it felt like it would burst from her chest.

She couldn't move.

She couldn't do anything!

Ritsu's mouth was getting closer and closer to her face, expelling a horrible smell of rot and death against Azusa's face.

Azusa had to do something...

Something cunning.

Something _**ingenious.**_

Something like-

"H-hey, look over there!"

Azusa hadn't expected that childish ploy to work.

Strangely enough, however… it did.

The moment Azusa started shouting zombie Ritsu actually _turned her head away_, her grip on Azusa's wrists slackening.

It was nice to know Ritsu was always easily distracted, whether she was being her usual self or her image was merely being assumed by some unknown extra-terrestrial.

Moving quickly, Azusa managed to break free of Ritsu's grip whilst she was still distracted. Then, breathing heavily, body trembling, Azusa's fingers scrabbled around on the floor like spider legs.

Searching, searching. Got to keep searching.

Where was that dropped drum stick?

Where was it?

Where was it?

Where-

_Got it._

Her fingers enclosing round the wood, gripping so tightly Azusa's knuckles turned white, the twin-tailed guitarist cum zombie slayer and protector of humanity, Nakano Azusa, with only a drum strick as her sword but the eternal light of friendship in her heart, Azusa thrust her trusty drumstick upwards-

And shoved the tip of it straight through Ritsu's left eye.

Azusa didn't have a chance to choose which eye she would've liked to impale most. She didn't have enough time for calm, rational thought at all. This was survival of the fittest and she had to move fast, otherwise Kon-chan would tear out her jugular.

It all happened in under five seconds.

Maybe even less.

A horrible, piercing shriek tore itself from zombie Ritsu's mouth, as the drum stick skewered itself through her head. The drum stick got jammed by something hard and squishy, and Azusa couldn't push it through the back of her skull and out the other side, but Azusa managed to lodge about five inches of the stick securely through Ritsu's head. The eyeball had been surprisingly resistant, but- using a strength she never knew she had- Azusa managed to burst through the sack of vitreous fluid.

If Azusa had to describe it one word, she would've chosen 'gross'.

Shoving the drum stick in not-Ritsu's eye felt a little bit like cutting up raw meat. There was the same toughness that, eventually, yielded and became malleable the more force you exerted on it.

Disgusting, thick globules of black fluid leaked from Ritsu's eye. It ran down her cheek in a parody of tears and oozed, dripping, in large lumps onto Azusa's face. Azusa had to pinch her lips together to stop herself swallowing it.

The smell was sickening. It reminded Azusa a little of the time she'd found an uneaten, moldy, six-month-old orange lodged under the couch in her living room. Its skin had been green and furry.

Whilst Ritsu wailed like a banshee and tried to tear the drum stick out of her head, Azusa pushed the distracted drummer off her middle and scrambled to her feet. Azusa's knees were weak and she nearly fell over. The foul stench was making her gag, and her stomach was heaving-

But she couldn't stop.

She had to do this.

Yui was relying on her.

The rest of the light music club was relying on her.

Azusa staggered to the table, almost falling against it, her fingers landing in a puddle of lukewarm liquid.

What _was_ that?

Oh…

Azusa knew. It was the tea Yui had managed to spill on Mugi- except the tea was beginning to go cold now. Azusa hoped that wouldn't have an adverse affect on its alien-vanquishing properties.

There was no time to care about that now, though. Azusa had a mission to do.

Reaching forwards, the twin-tailed girl grabbed hold of the ornate teapot (it was still half full) and wheeled round, clasping it to her chest like a talisman.

She came face to face with zombie Ritsu.

This Ritsu had far, far more persistence than the other one. Whenever the Tainaka Ritsu Azusa knew came across something difficult she didn't want to do, she gave up. This Ritsu, however, was different. She had a drum stick lodged through her head and her burst eyeball was leaking black sludge that smelt like a sewer, and yet she was _still _trying to eat Azusa's soul.

That took dedication.

Ten points out of ten for effort.

Azusa's eyes narrowed.

But zero out of ten points for being a convincing Ritsu.

If Azusa had held any qualms about hurting people who looked like her upperclassmen before, she didn't now. It was obvious this wasn't Ritsu. It never had been.

The real Ritsu was somewhere else- and Azusa was going to save her. She was going to save Mio and Mugi and Sawako, too!

With that thought in her mind, Azusa forgot to be scared.

Ritsu lunged forwards Azusa, but the twin-tailed girl ducked to one side and skirted round her. Azusa's hair fluttered behind her in the breeze, whipping round her head and smacking her in the side of the face.

Ouch…

Long hair wasn't really all that practical for fighting the forces of evil. Azusa couldn't even control it to attack her enemies- it just went all over the place.

Zombie Ritsu whirled round in a disoriented blur of sluggish limbs and wide eyes (or eye, at least). But by the time she'd turned around it was much too late.

Azusa even had enough time to deliver a 'witty' finishing remark.

"Kyahhhh!"

…Okay, maybe that scream wasn't all that witty, whatever. But it got the point across.

Azusa took the teapot between her hands, drew it back-

And then splashed the contents in Ritsu's face.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **I don't think I'm very good at writing fight scenes ._. I edited this chapter a lot when I read through it because it sounded really clunky and not very flowy, and all the sentences seemed to start with 'Azusa did this' or 'Yui did that' and I was unhappy with that ._.  
>I hope you think it was somewhat decent XD<p>

I tried to make it somewhat gory to live up for the warning in the summary. Was it gory enough? Was it, was it?

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	10. The power of friendship!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Ten  
>'The power of friendship!'<p>

* * *

><p>Azusa had worried, for a few moments, the tea would do nothing to harm 'Ritsu' as it was stone cold.<p>

However, as Azusa soon found out, the temperature of the tea did not alter its face-melting properties. Azusa hadn't even known tea _had_ face-melting properties up until an hour or so ago, but apparently (to certain extra terrestrial beings) it was lethal, temperature notwithstanding.

"The more you know, huh?" Azusa muttered to herself.

Azusa was going to snigger to herself next time she watched _Alien_. Obviously, the correct way to kill those abominations was with tea to the face. Why had nobody ever tried that before?

The poor imitation of Tainaka Ritsu, the drum stick still wedged through its eye, froze the moment the tea splattered across its face. Then, after a moment's pause, in which Azusa feared it would launch itself at her and try to bite off one of her lovely twin tails, the skin on Ritsu's face began to blacken and blister. Starfish alien zombie Ritsu sank to its knees, wailing, as the flesh began to melt off its face like paints running down an artists easel.

...Now _that _was a sentence Azusa never thought she'd find herself thinking.

Azusa felt a little sorry for the Ritsu clone, even if it had tried to kill her. Lumps of meat were peeling off the bone in large chunks, slopping wetly onto the floor, mixing with rivulets of more strange black blood. It looked incredibly painful. As one of Ritsu's eyes was dislodged so, too, was the drum stick. It fell to the floor with a light _tok _sound.

Azusa pondered whether she should pick the drum stick up or not- but eventually decided against it.

She'd have to buy Ritsu a new set. It would just be _wrong _playing an instrument that had also been used as a weapon against alien invaders, and had been shoved through somebody's eye socket. The drum stick was bathed in black, acrid, foul-smelling ooze and clear vitreous fluid; not a nice combination. Just looking at it made Azusa shudder.

Did that mean she'd need to get a new guitar, too?

...Probably.

Azusa would just feel _unclean _playing a guitar that had been used to club alien imitations of her best friends to death. Azusa already suffered quite acutely from stage fright; the added knowledge that the instrument she was going to play was also a murder weapon wouldn't have made playing _Fuwa Fuwa Time_ to a large audience any easier.

How was Azusa going to explain her need for a new guitar to her parents, though? 'Oh yeah, me and Yui were fighting off an alien invasion?'

No.

She'd be laughed at.

Worse still, she'd be shouted at for ruining an expensive instrument for no reason whatsoever, then admitted to an asylum when she stuck by her story- 'it's true, our goldfish really did try to kill me! No, I'm not crazy! A-at least, I don't think I am, although I did get beaten up pretty bad...'

This experience was, Azusa decided, impossible to believe in unless you'd seen it with your own eyes. And, even then, Azusa was still having a hard time convincing herself this wasn't some strange nightmare born from eating too much cheese before she went to bed.

Oh well.

Azusa could worry about breaking the news to her parents about her Fender (R.I.P) when she got to it. She had more pressing matters to attend to now.

Like the zombie Sawako and zombie Mio.

Ritsu, meanwhile, had melted into a horrible black ooze that smelt a little of rotting fish. Her body was no longer recognizable as human; instead, her remains looked like some indeterminate, half decomposed corpse buried at the bottom of a trash can. It didn't necessarily look like the remains of a human, though. It could have been a raccoon or a lion; it could have been anything.

Just like Mugi's amazing melting body, Ritsu's corpse was already beginning to disappear. That was considerate, thought Azusa. Self-cleaning corpses. If only real life were that neat and tidy.

Then again, if bodies really did wipe themselves away in the real world, the rate of murder would probably skyrocket. After all, if you couldn't find a corpse, it was impossible to find the killer, right?

Azusa wondered if the crime rates were higher on the planet where Kon-chan came from.

The horrible smell still lingered on the air even when the body vanished.

"Yeah! Go, Azu-nyan!" Yui cheered, her eyes lighting up like constellations. "You really showed that horrible alien monster what for! Whooo!~ No evil aliens will mess with my Azu-nyan!~~ You're so boss!"

Azusa frowned in confusion. "So boss...?"

Then, she shook her head.

"That doesn't matter! Yui-senpai, focus! Evil Sawako to your left!"

"Okie dokie! Thank you, Azu-nyan!"

Yui spun round, her skirt fluttering round her thighs, and- with a war cry that wouldn't have sounded out of place in a Luna Sea song- smashed Azusa's Fender into Sawako's skull. Zombie Sawako gave a hideous moan, recoiling backwards from the force of the blow. Zombie Sawako now looked like a complete wreck (then again, being hit over the head repeatedly with a guitar would do that to you). The real Sawako would have been disgusted to see her image tarnished so! This Sawako looked as though she'd been living in a basement for most of her life playing video games and reading manga, what with her insane never-seen-a-comb-before hair and sallow skin. She was the spitting image of a NEET!

Except maybe a little more deadly.

Most NEETs probably didn't survive on human flesh. It would have taken too much effort crawling away from the thrall of their computers.

"Azu-nyan! We must strike while the iron is hot!" shouted Yui, bouncing up and down on the balls of her feet like a certain twitchy thief in a certain Final Fantasy game. "Let's go for the final strike!"

"Okay!" said Azusa. She was surprised to note her voice was just as eager- if not, more- than Yui's. Azusa had always considered herself above such hysteria, but now she felt so energetic she was sure she could've blasted through all of HTT's most popular songs in double-quick time. Her blood felt like electricity, crackling through her body with such intensity she shuddered. Azusa had never felt more alive before; apart from maybe when she was playing her guitar with the rest of her band mates.

This was perhaps a little worrying, considering she'd gained this sudden influx of energy from (effectively) 'murdering' people who bore her close friends' faces. Did she have some kind of pent-up anger issues? Was she going to work herself up into a berserker-like rage until she tore out zombie Mio's throat with her own teeth?

...Ew.

Azusa shuddered at the thought.

That sounded disgusting.

Maybe wasn't going to turn into a berserker after all. She still had some common sense, which was reassuring.

Well, that was a weight off her shoulders.

Didn't people say 'it's easier to work if you're under pressure'? Perhaps Azusa's sudden surge of energy was an example of that saying. Azusa was never normally so violent- but now her life was in danger, her qualms about attacking evil zombie alien look-a-likes of her best friends had diminished. Wasn't this human nature? Survival instinct? It had nothing to do with being a good or bad person.

It was merely a necessity.

Even so, Azusa still felt a little guilty.

_This day will haunt my nightmares forever. But until I fall asleep (or die), I have to keep going!_

Azusa charged towards the cowering Sawako with the speed of an antelope, her twin tails fluttering behind her. She ducked underneath Sawako's outstretched arms and- upper body turning, shoes sliding against the wooden floorboards- Azusa drew back her arms-

And poured the contents of the ornate teapot over Sawako's head.

The decaying process was rapid, very similar to Ritsu's. Azusa barely had to time to look at the withering, wailing Sawako, however, because the staggering form of Mio had just recovered from a point-blank blow to the head Yui had previously dealt. The 'zombie' (Azusa was convinced this was the wrong word to use. Mio wasn't moaning 'braainsssss' or anything) reached out for Yui. Its eyes were blank and empty as though somebody had poked two holes in Mio's face and then poured black ink into the grooves left behind.

Somehow, that thought managed to disturb Azusa more than the dissolving chunks of Sawako that began to fall apart on the floor.

There really was nothing human about these creatures.

She wasn't hurting her friends.

And, if Azusa didn't fight back- armed with her teapot of justice- then they'd kill her and Yui. Either that, or these monsters would hold them down and poke out _their _eyes so they became soulless and emotionless too... and Azusa quite liked having emotions, thank you very much. It made playing the guitar more sincere, trying to convey her thoughts and feelings to a crowd in a manner they would understand... and it was far easier to play music than formulate a coherent sentence.

Azusa would die before she lost her ability to play the guitar.

...Even if Yui was holding said guitar like a baseball bat.

Again, this brought up the problem that she'd have to buy a new guitar- but Azusa couldn't worry about that too much right now.

"Don't you dare lay a finger on Yui!" Azusa shouted at Mio, readying her teapot. "I don't know what you are- but you're not Mio-senpai! S-so I'm not going to feel guilty! You can't make me feel guilty!"

And then, with that, Azusa summoned up what remained of her resolve. She grit her teeth together. Her eyes narrowed.

And she poured the remnants of the lukewarm tea over Mio.

* * *

><p>In an incredibly bizarre sequence that would take ten pages to write about properly (but we're going to condense it into a few sentences for brevity, and laziness), the burnt, scalded, disfigured remnants of the three zombies began to congregate together on the floor. The bits of sunburned pink meat, oozing black fluid that drip-drip-dripped like raindrops down windowpanes, began to move. They were being pulled along by some invisible force. The same invisible force began to merge these bits of meat and acrid-smelling black blood together, until it formed a spherical shape. From this pulsating sphere on the floor a human body began to define itself; arms and legs and a head, as the bits and pieces of Sawako, Mio and Ritsu turned themselves almost inside out to form a layer of skin over the red and black mass. Within twenty seconds or so (though, given the nightmarish scene Azusa had just witnessed, it felt like longer) the remnants of the tea-slain 'zombies' had taken on the form of a young girl with pale skin in a yukata once more.<p>

Azusa was never going to be able to sleep after this.

Never again.

Kon-chan, despite her previous boasts that she was going to kill them all 'so just try and stop me!', was looking distinctly exhausted. She could hardly keep herself standing upright, and her legs trembled like pipe cleaners under the floral print of her skirts. Her head seemed too heavy for her body as it lolled downwards; her neck couldn't support it. Her eyes would continue to blink, as though she were looking directly at the sun. Her breath came out in short, sharp gasps.

If Azusa hadn't known that little girl wasn't some kind of Satan spawn, her heart would have melted.

Even when Azusa _did _know what that girl was, she still felt like reaching out of her hand in a show of friendship. Couldn't they make a truce?

"Azu-nyan... Kon-chan doesn't look too good," said Yui ruefully. "I think we really hurt her."

"Well, it was trying to hurt us," said Azusa defensively. "I think we had a right!"

"I know, but..."

Yui didn't need to elaborate. Azusa knew that by her 'I know, but' Yui meant 'I still feel kind of bad about it.' Azusa agreed- even though it was ludicrous to. She couldn't help it. The horror of the previous five minutes had all but vanished from Azusa's mind. She'd seen so many improbable things- the drum stick piercing Ritsu's eye, zombie Mio eating the key, zombie Sawako getting hit over the head with her guitar- that it didn't seem real. Instead, it felt like some strange dream. The only 'real' part that remained, anchoring Azusa's thoughts, was the sniffing figure of Kon-chan, who now looked like a nine year old girl attending her first summer festival (given the kimono). It felt a little bit like she should be holding a goldfish in a bag, or some candy floss.

Kon-chan didn't look too dangerous now. Had that crying little girl really attacked them? _Really?_

Maybe this was a trick... Although Azusa instantly felt cynical for thinking such a thing.

_No, that's just what she wants you to do! She (or should I say, 'it') took this form after we beat __it so we'd let our guards down and sympathize with it. Well... I'm not going to do that!_

_I don't like making people cry, though._

With a small _thump _Kon-chan's knees finally gave way and it fell- like a marionette with cut strings, or an over-used simile that probably appears in all works of fiction- to the floor. Kon-chan's knees hit the wood, head slumped, and the palms of its hands smacked against the ground. It looked truly pathetic; hardly even strong enough to pour itself a glass of milk, let alone commit murder.

"H-how could this happen?" Kon-chan muttered, its voice thick with tears. "I-I've never been beaten like this before... I-it's not fair!"

"It's not like we pushed you off the swing set in the playground or anything!" Azusa snapped back. "You tried to _kill us_- whilst wearing the faces of our friends! Don't you think that deserves a little punishment?"

"B-but I didn't think you were that close... You always looked so angry, Azu-nyan- always pushing people along when they didn't want to do any work... You got so upset. You acted like you really hated everyone," said Kon-chan. The tone of its voice suggested that Kon-chan felt betrayed - as though Azusa had lied to it.

Azusa flinched a little at these words. Was she really that unreasonable? To a third party person, did she look like some kind of fire-breathing dragon lady...?

But Yui put a comforting hand on her shoulder, snapping Azusa out of these thoughts.

"That's only part of who Azu-nyan is," said Yui. "She might get mad at us, but that's only because she really wants the band to succeed! She loves us, and she loves the band, and she wants to do the best for everyone! Sometimes she's a bit too serious- but isn't it good to be serious about the things you care about the most? I think Azu-nyan is a very strong, very kind person."

Yui smiled at Azusa. It was a warm smile, filled with affection. Azusa felt herself flush at this sudden attention she was receiving. It was... nice.

Did Yui really think she was strong and kind? Sometimes, even Azusa thought she was being unreasonable...

But Yui was right.

She only became annoyed because she cared about HTT so much, and she cared about the future of her band members, and she wanted them all to succeed. They deserved to succeed, because they were all- despite their faults and flaws- wonderful people, who had been so welcoming to Azusa when she first joined the light music club. Azusa wanted to repay their kindness by working as hard as she could, and keeping everybody else on the right track, too.

"You might not understand this, Kon-chan," said Yui, turning to look at the sobbing festivalgoer-esque alien. "I mean, you were a fish for most of the time you knew us, trapped inside a tank. Maybe Azu-nyan's words couldn't reach you. But there was kindness behind each and every thing she's ever said. She does it all for our own good. Azu-nyan is the most un-selfish person I know."

Azusa's flushed face turned a darker red. She wasn't used to be praised like that; it was embarrassing. However, at the same time, it made her heart flutter in her chest.

_She appreciates me._

_She really does..._

_Sometimes I wonder, but..._

"Y-yui-senpai..."

"Oh, silly me~" Yui giggled. "Azu-nyan is the most un-selfish person I know tied with Ui-chan. How could I forget?~"

"S-so..." Kon-chan looked up at Yui and Azusa from its (it was difficult thinking of the genderless alien as truly genderless when it looked so much like a little girl) position on the floor. "Y-you... really care about each other?"

"Yes!" said Yui proudly. "All of the members of HTT, and Sawa-chan, too... We're really good friends. It doesn't matter if we argue or disagree on things, because we'll always be close and we'll always stick together! _Always_. We'd even fight aliens and demons and monsters if that meant we could stay together, making music, forever. That's what it means to be a friend."

"You'd even fight aliens...? Does that mean I had no chance, even from the beginning, then?"

"Not ever!" said Yui, pumping a fist into the air. "Nobody can stop HTT! We're fuelled on music and tea and cake and the power of friendship!"

Kon-chan's eyes widened slightly at this, the dark black pin-pricks for irises becoming smaller.

"I-is this the power of friendship?" asked Kon-chan, its voice awed. "I've... never seen anything like it before... Not even after being alive for one thousand years..."

Azusa nodded. She felt strange saying such sappy things, but Yui had already spoken so much. It was her turn to say something meaningful.

"Friendship is... accepting other people, despite their faults and flaws, right, Yui-senpai?"

Yui nodded.

"Some people are selfish, but you can still love them despite that because there could be a thousand and one other personality traits they have that are actually really positive," said Azusa. Her face was flushed and she stuttered a little on her words (_why am I saying something so embarrassing! I'm not a character from Sailor Moon!_) but, nevertheless, she tried to remain strong. This was an incredibly important concept about humans and their relationships that Kon-chan needed to understand. "If I didn't care about my senpais so much, I wouldn't have remained in the light music club for so long. Even though they can be a little tiresome-"

"Hey!" Yui pouted, feigning hurt.

"-they're still the best friends I've ever had, and the nicest people I've ever met," Azusa finished. She smiled. "So... I guess we're fine as we are."

"You see, Kon-chan? It was kind of you to test the bonds of our relationship like that, but we don't really need it. We're fine just how it is."

"J-just how it is... Hmn... T-then maybe I… really can't teach you anything... A-and maybe I don't need to punish you…" Kon-chan looked as though it were experiencing an epiphany. Perhaps this train of thought had honestly never occurred to it before, being so convinced all humans were evil and all human relationships were based on selfish desires. But that wasn't true; anybody could tell you that was a lie. Kon-chan just hadn't known... But maybe it knew now. "Maybe n-not all humans are as cruel... as I'd once thought..."

"Kon-chan, where are Mio-chan and Ricchan and Mugi-chan and Sawa-chan?" asked Yui, her voice suddenly becoming strangely serious. It was incredibly odd when Hirasawa Yui became serious because it was such a contrast to her usual personality. It was al little like having a hot shower and then the water suddenly turned cold, or finding a lily in a bed of sunflowers. Unexpected. "We need to see them. I'm worried about them."

Kon-chan still looked overwhelmed. It was possible it had never encountered a girl like Hirasawa Yui. Well, Azusa hadn't either, until she stepped into the light music club room... But Yui had lit up her life. Maybe everybody needed a Hirasawa Yui.

…Not that Azusa would ever tell Yui that.

"I-I didn't kill your friends. I was hoping I could defeat you two, and then have a celebratory feast later..." Kon-chan's eyes lit up like this, until it really did look like a small girl at a carnival unsure of which food booth to go to first. Should I get takoyaki or dumplings or candy floss? "I was going to have a feast with all five of you! A banquet! A smorgasbord of different flavors... Uuu~ It would have been heaven..."

Azusa shuddered. "Please don't talk about eating us when we're stood right here. It's creepy."

"Well, I'm not actually _going _to eat you. It's hypothetical," said Kon-chan, slowly getting to its feet. The wooden zori clacked against the floor. "You did defeat me... So I suppose... T-though it's really, really annoying... I guess I need to repay you. Urgh. This leaves a bitter taste in my mouth."

"Does that mean we've won?" asked Azusa, hardly daring to hope. This situation was so bizarre, she wouldn't have been surprised if Kon-chan morphed into Chernabog from _Fantasia _(a movie so filled with nightmare fuel the six year old Azusa had been unable to sleep for a week after watching it) and clawed her face off like plasticine.

"I keep my promises," said Kon-chan.

_Wow._

_What an honest alien being from beyond the stars._

_Cthulu would never be this lenient._

_Then again, Cthulu didn't make itself manifest in the body of a nine year old girl, either._

"Besides... it would be no fun if I kept fighting. If I used my full strength it would be impossible to defeat me- and that would become so tedious, having a string of victories one after another. It's more fun when you leave life up the roulette of chance," said Kon-chan. It smiled a world-weary smile that didn't belong on the face of such a young girl. "You probably won't understand... but being alive for so many years becomes quite boring. So I like it when people challenge me. And... I don't mind losing occasionally, either... Especially to people like you. I don't think I've met any humans with such powerful bonds of friendship. I'm a little jealous."

"Aww..." Yui sniffed, wiping tears away from the corners of her eyes. "T-that's so sad..."

"Yui-senpai, it tried to kill us!" Azusa said, voice affronted.

"But Kon-chan has seen the error of its ways, I'm sure of it!"

"...You think too highly of people."

"Azu-nyan..." said Yui, her voice dropping in volume, as she took hold of Azusa's hands. Azusa shuddered as though a volt of electricity had gone through her body. Yui was staring into her eyes so intently her gaze seemed to burn. All of a sudden, Yui looked a lot older; more mature. "Don't you think it would be really lonely to spend your whole life cut off from the rest of society? It's not Kon-chan's fault it's an alien... but people didn't understand that. And I'm sure that would make anybody a little twisted. You don't want to be alone, do you, Azu-nyan?"

Yui's words stung Azusa; cutting through the icy front she displayed to most people. She was forcefully reminded of the impeding future she'd tried to blot out. Yui and the others were going to graduate. Then... she really would be alone.

"N-no... I don't..." said Azusa.

Yui smiled. "Then maybe we shouldn't judge Kon-chan too harshly."

"I only took a small bite of the others," said Kon-chan helpfully, hands clasped at its front. "Really. I just knocked them unconscious. They're in the store cupboard."

"Kay!~" said Yui. "Where's the key?"

"Wait a moment..."

And, with that, something rather disgusting happened. Kon-chan lifted its pale, milky white fingers in the air...

And stuck them into its mouth.

_Ew... I guess it really isn't human at all._

Kon-chan's mouth split apart, fissures running through its face like the lines made in broken glass. Its mouth continued to split open wider and wider, until it looked like a black hole- and more of Kon-chan's fingers were forced inside its opening mouth. The fingertips... then the whole finger... the wrist... almost up to the elbow? Was such a thing possible? The noises made by Kon-chan's search inside its body were hideous; a cracking, ripping, tearing sound...

Azusa had seen a lot of vomit-inducing things that day, but she had to turn around and put her hands over her ears at this.

It was a little difficult trying to defend such a horrific creature. Kon-chan wasn't human; therefore, it was reasonable to assume Kon-chan's mind did not work with human logic. Yui thought she had taught Kon-chan a lesson about 'friendship'- but maybe it was impossible for such a creature to understand the concept. It was like a French person trying to teach a German Italian; it was too easy for the lines to get crossed in communication, especially if they didn't speak the same language. Whilst Kon-chan could speak Japanese fairly well, the concepts Yui was talking about might not have made any sense whatsoever.

Maybe it was a wasted effort.

Then again... Azusa didn't know. Was it wrong to make such assumptions about a creature merely because it wasn't human?

After about a minute of cracking and crunching, as Kon-chan's fingers continued to dig around inside its body, Azusa heard a jubilant cry of "I've got it!"

Azusa turned around slowly, her fingers splayed over her eyes in case she saw a sickening sight. However, her eyes were greeted by Kon-chan holding a ring of keys. The keys were drenched in black bile, and the smell clinging to them made Azusa feel nauseous, but the scene before her was not so horrific she had to look away.

Kon-chan walked over to the storage cupboard, sleeves of its yukata fluttering slightly, and put the right key into the lock. It twisted it round, there was a small _clink_- and it pushed the door open.

There, lying on the floor, were the bodies of Mio, Ritsu, Mugi and Sawako.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Hmn, lets see... The next chapter will probably be the final one, then an epilogue, then an omake. Yay ;D

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	11. Yui sortof explains it all!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Eleven  
>'Yui (sort of) explains it all!'<p>

* * *

><p>Thankfully, Kon-chan had been telling the truth. None of the bodies in the storage room were cut up or bruised or broken, as one would usually expect to find when turning over the remnants of victims in horror movies. Instead, they could have been sleeping peacefully; eyes closed, lips parted slightly. Azusa couldn't see any wounds on them at all. If she hadn't witnessed the bizarre scene from a mere two minutes ago she would have assumed the remaining members of HTT were having some kind of weird slumber party in the storage room amidst the various dust-covered odds and ends (and Sawako's old mace).<p>

Actually, given Ritsu's impulsive nature, a slumber party in such an odd place wouldn't be too unbelievable. Mio would never agree to it, of course, but Mugi... Well. Who knew what she was thinking?

Sometimes Azusa had to wonder. It would be nice taking a vacation inside Mugi's head once in a while. Somehow, Azusa got the feeling Mugi never had to worry about _anything_.

Mio was the first to wake up. Her eyelashes fluttered open in a manner quite befitting of a Disney princess who had just awoken from a thousand year long slumber. Azusa wished she looked that graceful when she awoke; not a single strand of Mio's hair was out of place or anything.

Some people had all the luck. They had all the good qualities in life- looks, brains, money- leaving only dregs for everybody else to pass around. That was hardly fair!

…Oh well. Life wasn't.

Azusa didn't care that much anyway. She wasn't a particularly cynical person.

Yawning, Mio pulled herself up from the floor, arching her back like a cat. All the while, she blinked and looked about her in confusion. Obviously, she was wondering why she was in the storage room-

"O-ow..."

Mio had just pinched herself.

-or whether it was a dream or not.

It wasn't, mainly because she didn't wake up at home in her bed. The store room was still the store room, no matter which way you looked at it.

"H-hey, what's going on?" said Mio, her voice trembling with fear. She stared intently at Azusa and Yui. Azusa was thankful Kon-chan's bizarre black 'blood' had melted away when the strange fish monster had disappeared, or else Mio would probably have fainted. The faint, acrid smell of gasoline and rotten fish heads still remained, though. It was a _very _attractive vintage perfume, obviously.

Mm. Just lovely.

Azusa shuddered. She felt unclean and she_ really_ needed to have a shower.

But not before she'd dealt with Mio and the others.

(And... why did the phrase 'dealt with' sound so sinister? It made it sound as if Azusa were going to murder them and hide their bodies in the nearby trash yard or something, and that really wasn't what she was thinking _at all_. The thought had never even crossed her mind!)

"What am I doing here?" Mio asked once more, panic creeping into her voice. "Why are the others asleep? A-and what's that smell? T-this is kind of creepy... Shouldn't we be in class right now…?"

Azusa thought hard. She'd been so relieved to see Mio and the others were still alive- Ritsu was beginning to open her eyes as well, now, and Mugi had sat herself up with a vacant smile on her face- that she hadn't thought to think of a good cover story. It appeared Mio and the others had lost their memories of Kon-chan (which was always convenient. If Mio had remembered being bitten by a weird fish-thing she'd never get any sleep again), but now Azusa and Yui had no cover story to explain why they'd all decided to take a nap in the store room in the middle of the school day.

Or why Azusa's prized Fender Mustang had become so bent and broken it bore a striking resemblance to a work of 'modern art'.

...It was going to be difficult trying to explain _that_ to her parents, too.

Yui didn't look nearly so concerned with these trifling details, however. There was a wide smile on her face, and her eyes had lit up- just as they did when Mugi brought in a delicious cake to sample.

"Mio-chan! Riichan! Mugi-chan! Sawa-chan! You're alive!"

And, with that cheery, completely innocuous and unsuspicious specific exclamation, Yui torpedoed forwards to pull the just awoken victims of Kon-chan's wrath in a tight hug.

"Well, of course I'm alive, stupid Yui-chan," said Ritsu, shaking her head. "I can't believe you ever doubted me!"

"It's nice to know you care," said Mugi, giggling to herself.

"Yeah... Just so you know, I have no fu- I mean, _friggin _clue what's going on," said Sawako, rolling her eyes. Her glasses had slipped forwards down her nose, and Sawako had to pull away from Yui so she could push them back up. "Why are we all in the storage cupboard? It's not the best place to get some rest and relaxation. I mean, seriously." Sawako pouted. "I have higher standards than this."

Even if her house was a 'bit' messy at times (a 'bit' being an understatement, like calling cayenne pepper 'lukewarm'), it was still nicer than the store cupboard. Sawako had woken up in some strange places before after nights on the town, but this was doubly bizarre in that she wasn't hung over and she hadn't been drinking the night before.

"Y-yes, why are we here?" asked Mio.

Azusa sighed. She felt a little left out she hadn't been included in the big 'hooray, you're alive!' hug, but she had bigger problems to worry about than not being hugged now! And getting hugged by Yui-senpai had a weird effect on Azusa; kind of like getting a hole drilled through her brain. It was really difficult to concentrate on anything when Yui got all touchy-feely like that, b-but it wasn't like Azusa didn't _like _it...

It was just strange.

Maybe Yui's hug attacks were super effective against Azusa's defences, or maybe Yui had a really high special attack?

Or… would a hug be a normal attack?

…Not that it mattered.

"U-um... We're all in the storage cupboard because we... decided to play a game?" said Azusa, trying to disguise the panic in her voice. Azusa didn't like telling lies. Her parents had always taught her not to, and she respected them.

But it wasn't like anybody would believe the 'truth' about Kon-chan. That sounded more like something from a horror novel or a sci fi movie.

The twin-tailed guitarist had to wonder, though. Could the others remember Kon-chan at all? The memories of being eaten (kind of) by that stupid (sort of) fish appeared to have been erased, but what about Kon-chan's entire existence? Azusa would have to test that out later.

It was kind of unfair how aliens got so many powers, like mind-warping and shape-shifting. It really did suck to be a human.

"What sort of game could you play in a store cupboard though, I wonder?" Mugi said- more to herself than anyone else. She giggled. "That sounds kind of exciting, but I don't really remember the details!"

"I don't either," said Mio. "A-aren't you worried about this at all?"

"Not really. I think it's exciting!" said Mugi. "I've never experienced anything like this before!"

"Yeah! That's the spirit, Mugi!" said Ritsu, giving the gently smiling keyboardist a high five. However, Mugi seemed unsure of what a 'high five' entailed exactly, and in the end Ritsu very nearly ended up slapping Mugi across the face.

"Is this a bonding thing…?" Mugi asked, looking confused.

"Um, yeah," said Ritsu. "I can't believe you've never done that before…"

"I-I don't understand why everybody's fine with all this!" said Mio worriedly, reminding everybody that this scene of cheerful chaos required at least one straight man. Mio anxiously prodded her fingers against the side of her skull. "I-I think I've got amnesia! I remember going to school in the morning, then everything's a really big blur..."

"Wow, cool," said Sawako. "That's kind of like when I get drunk. This is one experience of many, Mio! Although, sometimes it's a _good _thing you can't remember what you did... Eheheh..."

"I-I don't like what you're insinuating and I don't like the sound of that laugh!" said Mio, her face flushing red. "I-I would never get drunk! I would never do anything so reckless...!"

"And yet here we are, inside the storage cupboard," said Ritsu, looking around her surroundings with interest. "Funny how things turn out, huh?"

"Hey, don't panic, Mio-chan!" said Yui, smiling blithely. "I can't believe you don't remember why we're here. Azu-nyan would be really, really upset!"

A collective 'huh?' ran through the assembled girls- even from Azusa, though she tried to bite it back. If Yui had thought of a good alibi then Azusa didn't want to ruin it.

Then again, what were the actual chances of Yui thinking up a good lie? That girl couldn't lie her way out of a paper bag!

…Not that lying was the most efficient way of escaping from the confines of a paper bag, of course, rendering that saying completely pointless.

Azusa had a bad habit of over-analysing idioms.

"I know it's still a school day and all, but Azu-nyan was really upset that everybody was going to graduate and leave her behind," Yui explained. Her voice was unusually sombre and mature. It reminded Azusa a little of Yui's speech in the café. And a mature Yui was a very scary thing indeed.

Yui continued, "Azu-nyan wanted to spend a whole day with the light music club, just us together! Maybe it was a kind of reckless thing to do, but that makes it more fun- and this is one of the last chances we have to be together like this! We all decided we'd have fun together for Azu-nyan's sake, right? Azu-nyan is more important than school!"

Azusa felt herself flush slightly as the light music club all turned to look at her. Ritsu's expression was similar to the one somebody would make when they saw a wet, bedraggled cat in need of a home. Mugi was smiling sweetly, as per always.

"Aw, is that the case?" asked Ritsu, patting Azusa on her head. "Poor Azu-nyan~"

"Eh… I can't really support what Yui just said, being a teacher, but whatever," said Sawako, shrugging. "School is good for you- but in some cases," she looked at Yui, "it won't help much… Ahaha. Geez… Who cares? Being responsible is boo~ring. I'll run with it. Good job, Azu-nyan- you got me out of teaching. Somehow."

"But won't that endanger your job?" asked Azusa.

"Huh? Mine? Nahh- I'm sweet as pie," said Sawako, smiling angelically. "Everybody loves me!"

"I sense the system is corrupt, Detective Yui," said Ritsu.

Yui nodded. "Incredibly so, Ricchan."

"But don't worry, Azu-nyan!" said Ritsu. "We'll never leave you behind!~"

"Yes! Even when we graduate we won't forget you!" said Mugi, smiling. She did a mock salute- giggling as she did so. "You can count on us! Hehe~"

Azusa felt her blush deepen slightly as her friends- the best friends she'd ever made- crowded round her. Yui pulled Azusa backwards into a hug, rubbing her cheek atop of Azusa's head... and, all of a sudden, Azusa felt all of her intelligence and brainpower fly right out of the window (even if said window was closed). Azusa couldn't help but make a small 'nya' sound at the sudden contact, which made Yui squeal with happiness.

"Aww~ Our Azu-nyan is so cute! To think, she's so sad we'll leave! But that will never, ever happen! Right, you guys?" asked Yui, her fingers squishing into Azusa's middle.

"Right!" said Ritsu, punching a fist in the air.

"We never would," agreed Mugi, nodding. "I-I want to hug Azusa-chan, too!"

"We can share," said Yui, beaming. "There's plenty of Azu-nyan to go around!"

"D-don't talk about me as if I'm an inanimate object! I can make my own decisions, you know."

"Oh..." Mugi's face fell. She frowned. "Does that mean you don't want to hug me after all? I'll understand if you don't…"

"I never said that!"

"If you want, you get a hug from your teacher~" said Sawako, a strangely lecherous look flitting across her face. It was the exact same expression she wore when she tried to coerce Mio into wearing embarrassing outfits on stage.

"U-um... No thank you, Sawako-sensei."

"But I thought this was meant to be an all girls' together bonding thing!" said Sawako, tugging on one of Azusa's pigtails. "You can't have favorites, Azu-nyaaaan."

Mio had been rather silent during this exchange. Her eyes were downcast and her fingers nervously toying with the hem of her skirt. Crouched on the floor, her hair falling in front of her face, there was something strangely melancholy about Mio.

"Hey, Mio~" said Ritsu, crawling up to her childhood friend so she could peer into her eyes. "What's wronggg? You're being really quiet."

"It's just..." Mio spoke in a soft whisper, her voice almost inaudible. "It's just... I-I feel... really guilty... and sorry for Azu-nyan... that she has to be alone next year! S-she's our best friend... and it feels so horrible... W-what if we never see each other again?"

When Mio lifted her head it became plain there were real, actual tears budding in the corners of her eyes. Her voice was broken and fragmented, occasionally interspaced with an odd sniff or two. Mio's cheeks were flushed light red, strands of hair sticking to her face.

Mio had never looked more vulnerable. She hadn't even cried when Sawako had forced her into those revealing outfits! Well... maybe she had a little, but this was different. Mio was actually... worried for Azusa. N-not that Azusa had any doubts Mio would be worried (Azusa didn't think Mio was heartless; quite the opposite), but it was still strange seeing just how much everybody cared about her.

Sometimes, Azusa had doubted it; especially when the light music club goofed around, eating cake and drinking tea instead of doing any actual work, to Azusa's irritation. But now... it was obvious; incredibly obvious.

They did care about her.

They all did.

Maybe Kon-chan had called humans 'selfish', and maybe that was true in most cases; perhaps even all. Humans were, essentially, selfish creatures. They wouldn't have survived if they didn't put themselves first.

But that didn't mean they couldn't care for one another, too.

That didn't mean people could become incredibly close, or make good friends.

Azusa had made her fondest memories with this group of people; all of them sitting in the dusty storage cupboard with Sawako's mace from her disturbing, dark days on the shelf. The twin-tailed guitarist loved all of them- each and every one, flaws and all.

She was so glad they were still here.

She'd managed to save them with Yui, sacrificing Mugi's tea, Ritsu's drumsticks and Azusa's prized guitar in the process… but Azusa didn't regret it one bit. She loved her friends more than she would ever have loved her guitar. It couldn't talk to her when she felt down, and it couldn't serve her vanilla cake, and it couldn't call her 'Azu-nyan' and give her tackle-hugs that crushed her ribs together.

In fact, if her guitar ever did such a thing, Azusa would be incredibly disturbed. She also would've begun to question her own sanity. She'd always thought it was fairly stable, but after meeting Yui, who knew?

It might have been a cheap, shojo anime cliché, but...

Maybe the power of friendship really did work after all.

Of course, Azusa would have to bang her head against a wall later for even daring to think of something so vomit-inducingly cheery and cheesy, but for now... she didn't mind.

For now, she was truly happy.

And she was sat in the storage cupboard collecting dust, missing school, just after defeating an evil alien threat from beyond the stars- but Azusa didn't care.

"Don't cry, Mio-chan!" said Yui, smiling. "We're still together right now, aren't we?"

"Well... Yes..." Mio sniffed, wiping away tears with the back of her hand. "B-but-"

"And even when we leave that doesn't mean we have to stop seeing each other, does it?"

"N-no..."

"So cheer up, silly!" said Ritsu, reaching forwards and pulling Mio's mouth into a strange grimace with her fingertips. "Oh, Mio, that's such a beautiful smile! You look just like an fashion model! Exactly like Isski Miyab- ow!"

"D-don't compare to _her_!"

Ritsu recoiled away, frowning, as Mio- through her tears and indignation- hit her over the head.

Some things never changed.

Maybe they never would.

"But hey, we didn't really resolve this mystery," said Sawako, folding her arms. "Why are we in the storage cupboard in the first place? And why were we asleep?"

"It's simple!" said Yui, beaming like a million watt light bulb. "We came into the club room to talk, then we looked in the storage room to clear it out, and then we were so overcome by the power of our amazing friendship we passed out and fell asleep!"

Azusa couldn't help but snigger at this bizarre 'explanation'.

In what planet was that 'simple', exactly?

Yui's head was a very strange place.

* * *

><p>"Azusa! What on <em>earth <em>happened to your guitar?"

Azusa looked down at her feet, her guilty face hidden by her hair. She knew she would be in trouble. Her parents weren't incredibly strict, but they trusted Azusa to be mature and responsible. The sorry sight of her poor, abused guitar- the only remaining proof Kon-chan had, in fact, existed- was enough to make her parents very, very disappointed with her indeed. They were never angry. They were always 'disappointed'.

Somehow, that was even worse that outright anger. It made Azusa feel like a child.

There was also the fact she'd been mysteriously absent for the second half of the school day to factor in, but her parents didn't know about that (yet). Hopefully they never would. Azusa had never been absent from class before, so maybe she would be excused?

"Azusa, look at me," said Junko, Azusa's mother. "What happened? How did it get in such a terrible condition?"

Azusa sighed. Well, not externally, because that would have appeared rude, but she sighed inside her head. She'd never appreciated the efforts magical girls and superheroes went through before but she understood now. Saving the world and then being unable to tell others your secret identity was so unfair! The situation wasn't entirely the same, but it wasn't like Azusa could casually remark 'oh yeah, Yui-senpai and me were saving our club members from a ravenous mutant fish that can shape-shift. The battle got pretty intense and my guitar kind of broke.' People wouldn't believe that! _Azusa_ hardly believed that, and she'd seen it for herself!

"Um..." Azusa muttered. She'd tried to think of a good explanation for her guitar during her walk home from school, but nothing had sprung to mind.

Damn Yui. It was nice that Yui had saved from the evil 'zombie' clutches of Kon-chan and all, but couldn't she have used her own guitar as a weapon? Yui's parents weren't the questioning type like Azusa's; they were hardly ever around. It wasn't like they'd notice if Gitah was broken.

Then again, Yui's love for Gitah bordered on _Romeo and Juliet_ type romance. If Gitah was destroyed, Yui might soon follow!

...That was a very creepy thought.

"Well?" said Junko, looking at her daughter (the pair were eerily similar, save the twin tails). "What do you have to say?"

"U-um... I kind of... fell down the stairs?"

"Wasn't your guitar in its case?"

"It was," said Azusa, voice faltering, "but... well... There were a lot of stairs?"

Junko only sighed. It was her 'I'm-very-disappointed-in-you' sigh, specially tailored to make Azusa wish a hole would open up in the ground and swallow her.

"Well, you know what you have to do," said Junko. "You broke the guitar so it's your responsibility to buy a new one. Honestly, though, Azusa, I didn't realize you were so clumsy. I'm a little surprised. You should be more careful!"

Azusa bowed her head. "Yes, mother. It won't happen again."

It seemed the powers of love and friendship couldn't save her now.

Stupid aliens from outer space with body-shifting powers.

They really weren't as cool as anime and manga portrayed them. In real life, they were just kind of annoying.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **I think I chose Junko as the name of Azusa's mother because that's also the name of Madoka's mother in Puella Magi... XD  
>It took me a while to write this chapter : You know how it is, when you really want to write something, but the words don't flow and you end up staring at a blank page for ages wishing some really inspired words will suddenly spill onto it? XD It was like that. I think I got over writers' block though, so... -cheer-  
>This is the standard LOVE AND FRIENDSHIP AND SPARKLY RAINBOWS BLEURGHHH chapter XD<br>Friendship is a wonderful thing XDD~

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	12. We'll always be together!

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Chapter Twelve  
>'It might be the end, but we'll always be together!'<p>

* * *

><p>The sun was warm against Azusa's skin. The twin-tailed guitarist (although her old guitar was currently resting in pieces) pouted. Even though she'd used almost a whole bottle of sunscreen on her skin, she knew it was a useless endeavour; she was going to get burnt to a crispy, brown pancake anyway. The sun and Azusa did not mix, period.<p>

...Then again, in winter she always got colds, so she was pretty much screwed whatever the season.

Sadly, Azusa was used to that. Sometimes, she wondered whether life was playing a cruel joke on her or not- which had led her to be rather cynical. Being with somebody as cheery and light-hearted as Yui was strange. Azusa almost couldn't believe how constantly, unerringly _happy _that girl was.

But maybe that was a good thing.

All comedy acts needed a straight man and an idiot, right? Maybe friendships were sort of similar.

Haa, that was an odd thought... M-maybe the heat really was getting to her.

"Hey, Azu-nyan, are you alright?" asked Yui worriedly, placing a hand on her friend's shoulder. "You look a little hot- kinda like you're goin' to collapse."

"Yeah. You can't die on us," said Ritsu, placing her hands on her hips. "That would be _so _uncool. Not to mention bad for business."

"Azusa isn't going to die," Mio snapped. "She just needs a drink of water- or maybe some of that lemonade Ui made. Maybe you should sit down for a while inside, Azusa."

"N-no, I couldn't possibly!" Azusa's face flushed light pink at all this attention she was getting. "I'm fine, honestly. I-It's kind of my fault we're here, 'cause I was so... um... irresponsible."

Or busy fighting alien shape shifters and trying to save her friends from a gory death via cannibalism.

Wait… _Was_ it cannibalism when the creature doing the eating wasn't actually human? Kon-chan looked human, so maybe it counted, but wasn't Kon-chan technically a fungus alien from another planet...?

Azusa frowned. Her head hurt, it was really hot, and normal people shouldn't have to think about the correct wording to apply to aliens that wanted to eat her friends.

It wasn't like anybody would believe the story about Kon-chan, though, so the 'falling down the stairs' line Azusa had given her mother had to suffice. Even if Azusa did feel really embarrassed using it. S-she was way more careful than that; she loved her guitar, and she'd never treat it so badly!

The girls of the light music club had, after hearing of the misfortune that had befallen Azusa's guitar, come together in the yard of the Hirasawa household on a sunny Sunday morning. What was their aim? Why, simply to help a friend in need and raise enough money for a new guitar. The girls had thoroughly cleared the old storage cupboard in the light music club room out, putting all the unwanted bits of junk up for sale to raise funds for a new guitar- even Sawkao's mace. Each girl had also brought a cardboard box with them filled to the brim with old stuff they didn't want that they were trying to sell dirt cheap- which the exception of Mugi, of course, who had to upstage everybody (not that she realized she was doing it) by bringing a whole car filled with what she called 'just old bits and bobs', that other people would have called 'incredibly well-made, almost priceless pieces of art, sculpture and tableware'. Honestly- who sold a whole, authentic willow-patterned tea set at a rummage sale?

Any passing antique enthusiasts who happened to stumble upon the Hirasawa household were very, very lucky people indeed.

Azusa was sure a mere third of the stuff Mugi had brought to the falling-apart table in the front yard, using her hired chauffeur as an extra pair of hands to move the large volume of _stuff_, was enough to buy ten guitars and her own private island.

...Well, maybe that was an exaggeration, but it wasn't too far from the truth. Sans the island, perhaps.

Azusa had been too embarrassed to accept all this help at first, her face flushed bright red, but Mugi had merely smiled and said 'don't worry! I don't mind!'

It must have been nice to be rich. Tsumugi seemed to live in some strange fantasy land unreachable to those without a large amount of yen and little common sense.

Meanwhile, Ui was baking cakes and selling them to help create funds for Azusa's guitar. 'Anything I can do to help~' she'd said cheerily, smiling.

Everybody was smiling a lot- even Azusa, though she felt incredibly guilty. I-it wasn't really _her_ fault her guitar had been broken, though. The guitar was... a victim of circumstances.

She'd (actually Yui) had broken it trying to save the others from a fate worse than death (not that they knew this, despite the large plot holes in Yui and Azusa's improvised story), so maybe accepting their aid was… okay?

It was really, really hot outside, though.

It felt a little like Azusa was going to collapse.

"Come on, Azusa-chan," said Ui sweetly, pressing a cold towel against Azusa's flushed forehead. "Why don't you go inside and have some lemonade?"

"I-I really couldn't," Azusa stuttered. "Y-you've all been helping me so much, and-"

"Don't be silly~" said Yui, smiling. "The light music club'll need a good guitarist next year, right?~ I mean, you have Jun-chan and Ui-chan, but they're all relying on you, too. You absolutely can't pass out from the heat, and you absolutely **do **need a new guitar! You don't want to let everybody down, do you? You need to know when to take a break too, Azu-nyannn~"

Azusa's face flushed light pink. "I guess you're right... Maybe I should go inside. U-um, if you guys don't mind?"

"Of course we don't mind!" said Ritsu, giving Azusa a thumbs up. "We can drum up business on our own! Look!~" And then, turning to the rest of the neighbourhood, Ritsu announced, "Hey, everyone!~ If you buy lots and lots of stuff from us we'll dress Mio-chan up in a nurse outfit for your own entertainment, okay?"

"Can I wear a nurse outfit too?" asked Tsumugi. "I don't want to be left out of the fun- and it sounds exciting! I've never done anything like that before!"

"Yeah, sure," said Ritsu, patting Mugi on the head. "You're not a bad looker either, y'know."

Mugi giggled to herself. "Yayyy~"

Mio, however, looked downright murderous. "D-don't say things like that, stupid Ritsu! You sound like an old man! Tsumugi, she's taking advantage of you!"

"Hey, I'm not like Sawa-chan! I'm not asking you to cosplay for personal reasons (which would be better left unexplored). I just want Azusa-chan to get a new guitar- and if that means sacrificing my friends' innocence by making her wear revealing nurse attire so she starts crying, then I'll do it!"

"I'm just happy to help," said Mugi, clapping her hands together. "This is the first 'rummage sale' I've ever had... It's exciting~ Do people normally dress as nurses during them? Is that traditional?"

"No," said Mio, deadpanning. "It is not."

Azusa couldn't help but smile at this scene. It looked like everything was the same as usual. They'd be fine without her...

Probably.

If Mio didn't murder Ritsu.

But that was _always _a worry every time they were together.

"Alright," said Azusa, nodding. "I guess I'll go sit inside for a while... I-I think everything will work out in the end... even if you're going far away."

"Of course it'll work out," said Yui, resting a hand on Azusa's shoulder. "It always does."

Even in the face of aliens from outer space, the light music club would fight- and they would win.

That was the power of friendship.

* * *

><p>"Heyy, you got beaten pretty bad huhh, Mizki?~"<p>

"Mizki? Is that my name?" asked a dark-haired girl clad in a yukata. She frowned, wrinkling up her nose. "I thought it was Kon-chan..."

"You got attached to that name?" asked Luka, raising a brow. "It doesn't suit you. I like Mizki more."

"Mm... I have so many names I get a little confused," Kon-chan admitted, giggling softly. "Ah, but those girls were really different, though. They managed to defeat me."

"They put a drumstick through your eye."

"It really hurt, too! That's not how you should treat a lady!"

"You're not a lady."

Kon-chan pouted. "W-well, you shouldn't treat _anyone _like that!"

"I think they had a right to~" said Luka lightly, threading her fingers through Kon-chan's hair. "Especially as you were trying to kill them."

"Hehe, maybe~ Just a liiittle. But... They defeated me." Kon-chan frowned. "Maybe there really is something to this 'friendship' stuff after all. I always thought humans were horrible and selfish, but maybe... maybe I was wrong."

Luka nodded. "Hm. Well that's food for thought. We can all learn from this."

"Yeah… I think I'm starting to see mankind in a different light."

"Me too."

There was a small pause; Luka idly plaiting Kon-chan's hair, whilst the starfish alien spawn of Ctulu in a pin k yukata lay curled up on the floor, her head in her 'master's' (for all intents and purposes) lap.

Then...

Luka grinned.

It was almost feral; her teeth unnaturally sharp.

"Sooo~ I'm bored. You want to go murder more despicable, selfish humans?"

Kon-chan's dark eyes lit up like fireworks. "Of course!~ I'm always in the mood for a little light slaughtering. I'm still pissed off over that whole 'drumstick in the eye' incident, too... And though I'll keep my word, and I promise not to harass those girls again, I'm really in the mood for butchering some adorable desu desu high school girls now."

"Alright!" Luka cheered, pumping a fist in the air. "That sounds like a plan! You can start by murdering the family that lives in this house a'fore they catch us and call the police. I think they have a teenage daughter, if you still wanna murder and cannibalize some young girls."

Kon-chan smiled sweetly.

Luka always knew how to cheer her up. She was the kindest, most thoughtful person _ever._

* * *

><p>Yes, thought Azusa happily, as she drank a glass of homemade lemonade (made by Ui, of course- anything made by Yui would probably be poisonous) with Yui in the Hirasawa's kitchen. The power of friendship would prevail even if her friends moved far away.<p>

Evil would always be defeated in the face of good.

She just knew it.

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, Izumi Soichiro arrived home in alarm to find the remains of his biological daughter and live-in, super-cute, super-short, super-sickly almost-daughter lying on the floor. That would have been strange enough- but the really bizarre part came when one realized they weren't playing dead at all.<p>

They were truly dead.

That much was obvious by the glazed looks in their eyes, the coldness of their skin and, oh yeah, the copious amounts of blood splashed across the living room. Their stomachs were open caves; burst like balloons, whilst bits of innards in slimy, sticky sauce tried to escape from the gaping maws littered across their bodies. Fragments of bone were visible under their torn up clothes; gashes made in the legs, arms, middle- and Yutaka was even missing an ear and half her right arm. It almost looked as if some horrible creature had been _eating _them; torn apart corpses picked at by ravenous cannibals.

A perfect copy of Konata was sat cross-legged on the floor, her head dipped over Yukata's carcass, pulling her intestines out of her stomach with a deranged smile on her face. Her eyes were curiously black and empty- and it was obviously not Konata at all.

The power of friendship did not help Soichiro at all.

But it was all okay, because our main protagonists never learnt about this atrocity, and they're the only ones that really matter!

And so everybody lived happily ever after!

…Apart from Konata and Yukata.

They both died.

Really painfully.

But you don't care about them.

* * *

><p><strong>The End<strong>

* * *

><p><strong>an: **Yayyyy :D  
>I'm gonna do an omake next, with a few scenes I cut from the original, and that'll be it~ It's nearly over :3<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


	13. Omake

**My Mutant Goldfish Ate My Flesh!**

Omake

* * *

><p><strong>DISPUTE<strong>

"Don't worry, Azu-nyan! I'll save you!"

A loud _crunch _split the air as Yui, her hair sweeping dramatically behind her (although it would have been more dramatic if her hair was longer- but you can't have everything), raised a guitar-

And hit zombie Sawako with it upside the head.

The zombified version of Sawako (who wasn't all that different from her usual self when she was drunk, to be brutally honest) was pushed away from Azusa. As she staggered backwards her head collapsed in on itself from blunt force trauma. She moaned, fingers going to her concave skull- but Azusa knew a little injury like that wouldn't hold her off for long. Zombie-aliens (zombiens?) were strangely hard-wearing and durable.

…Great. Now it sounded like she was trying to sell refrigerators or something.

"Thank you, Yui-senpai!" said Azusa gratefully. "Y-you've saved my life! I am now forever in your debt and… and…"

But Azusa's words caught in her mouth when she saw what, exactly, Yui had used to hit zombie Sawako with.

"That's my guitar."

"U-um, yeah," said Yui sheepishly, giggling slightly. "U-um… W-well, I would have used _my_ guitar, obviously, but yours' was closer and I wasn't thinking and-"

"You value your personal property more than you value mine."

"W-well, that's a little harsh, Azu-nyan…"

Azusa's right eye twitched.

"You're so_ selfish_, Yui-senpai! Did you ever stop to think about **me**? Oh, that's right- you NEVER do, 'cause if you did you wouldn't have used my guitar as a weapon and-"

But Yui never learnt what Azusa was going to say next. Midway during her angry rant, zombie Mio grabbed hold of Azusa's body and bit off her head.

* * *

><p><strong>DOUBLE<strong>

"So you see, Kon-chan," said Yui sweetly, extending a hand to the fallen girl in a kimono, "friendship really is important. That's how we were able to defeat you. Maybe you can learn something from this."

"Maybe I can…" said Kon-chan, her eyes going strangely misty, just like a girls' in a shojo manga. Her white, pale fingers reached out- trembling slightly- to take Yui's proffered hand. "Maybe I can… O-or maybe…"

Kon-chan's eyes narrowed.

"Yui-senpai, watch out!"

But it was too late. Kon-chan had already bitten down on Yui's hand, peeling a huge chunk of flesh away from delicate finger bones. Red blood oozed from the open gash down Yui's wrist.

In a mess of black blood and splintering flesh, turning inside out and a putrid smell, Kon-chan slowly began to transform until- after a minute- a perfect replica of Hirasawa Yui stood before Azusa. It even had a gory chunk missing from its hand, and the same vacant expression on its face.

Azusa sighed.

One Yui was bad enough, but **two **was a nightmare; especially as one of them wanted to eat her flesh!

"Now you can't tell us apart," said one of the Yuis. "What are you going to do, Azusa?"

Yui number one soon began to cry, reaching out to Azusa imploringly; "I'm the real Yui! Don't hurt me! Please, Azu-nyan- aren't you my friend?"

Meanwhile, Yui number two smiled dreamily off into space, occasionally turning her gaze on Yui number one and Azusa.

"Hey, Azu-nyan," said Yui number two, "does my nose _really_ look that big in real life? Oh, and my hand kind of hurts. That's not what friends do, Kon-chan- but I'll forgive you, since you have poor social skills. Hehehe… O-ow…"

Choosing the correct Yui wasn't all that difficult after that.

* * *

><p><strong>DISCOVERY<strong>

"Well, I'm so glad that's been explained," said Mio, smiling a little. "I was little confused as to how we all ended up in the storage cupboard, but it makes perfect sense now."

"Yes. Perfect sense," agreed Mugi, nodding.

Azusa and Yui grinned, secretly giving each other thumbs up. That excuse they'd created about the goblins and that piece of cheese was absolutely _genius._

The members of the light music club (sans Sawako, who was with the flute club) were sat in their club room, happily sipping tea and sampling cake. However, that peaceful atmosphere was soon broken when Mugi decided to stretch her legs and look at Ton-chan for a bit to soothe her heart.

But Ton-chan was not there.

"Um, everyone," said Mugi softly, turning to look at the other girls, "do soft-shelled turtles generally go for walks on the mainland when their owners' backs are turned?"

"'Mainland'?" Ritsu echoed, smirking. "This isn't _The Little Mermaid_, Mugi-chan."

"I know, but… it still seems strange that Ton-chan is gone."

"Maybe it's hiding under a rock?" suggested Mio, shivering slightly. "I-it can't have gone, right?"

"I-it has! I can't see it anywhere!"

Azusa groaned.

How could she have forgotten about Ton-chan? Stupid Kon-chan must've gotten a bit (or a lot) hungry and- _chomp._

…That was too horrible to even think about.

Azusa sighed.

It looked like this was another thing she needed to raise money for.

Stupid carnivorous, soft-shell turtle-eating aliens.

* * *

><p><strong>DIMENSION<strong>

"Hey, everyone!" said Suzumiya Haruhi cheerily, barging into the SOS Brigade club room with a large smile on her face.

"What is it? Did an alien spaceship crash land in class two?" asked Kyon dryly.

"No, stupid," said Haruhi, rolling her eyes. "If that happened we'd sooo be there right now!"

"Of course. How foolish of me."

"I thought…" Haruhi paused, trying to build up dramatic silence. It didn't work, given the only one excited was her (Mikuru was maybe 'terrified', which was fitting given all the stupid costumes Haruhi made her wear, whilst everybody else bordered on apathetic).

Finally, Haruhi said, "I thought that we could get a pet for the SOS Brigade! Wouldn't that be awesome? We'd be like a family then!"

"A pet?" asked Kyon, idly pushing a pawn forward in a chess game with Koizumi. "I'm a little relieved… That's far better than some of your other ideas."

"Isn't it though?" said Haruhi, beaming. "But I asked the lady in the store, and I said I only wanted the most interesting, unique pet ever- like, something that could be a secret alien! I figured I've been spending so much time investigating humans for possible alien traits that I never even looked at animals- but isn't there a huge probability aliens won't look like humans as we know it? Why would they? And the fish I got- for **free**, may I add- is so totally hideous there **has** to be something up with it!"

Kyon sighed.

Knowing Haruhi, the fish she'd bought probably _would_ end up being more a fish- and what'd happen then?

Kyon decided he'd ask Nagato to scan it first, just in case. It never hurt to be too careful.

* * *

><p><strong>an: **And this is the end of the omake, and the whole story~ It truly is complete now :3  
>Parts 1 &amp; 2 were scenes that were originally going to be in the actual story (minus Azusa getting her head bitten off in part 1), but I cut them for time 'cause the fight scene was already getting quite long XD Part 3 is commenting on a vague plot hole (whatever did/ happen to Kon-chan? XD) and part 4 is just… alternate universe :3  
>The parts of this chapter are all given titles beginning with 'D' because the original concept for this story was that the K-On! girls bought Kon-chan from Count D's pet shop, so it would've been a crossover between K-On! and Petshop of Horrors. I scrapped that in the end because Petshop of Horrors (the first series at least) is set in America, and I didn't want to have to put this fic in the crossover section whilst the actual canon character (D) had so little time in the fic.<p>

And, I think that's the end~  
>Thank you everybody who read and reviewed, &amp; those who put it on favorites. I'm glad to know you liked it, I hope it was (somewhat) funny and (vaguely) horrific, and maybe I'll write another K-On! fic in the future… We'll have to wait and see :3<p>

**~renahhchen xoxo**


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